It was our last best hope for peace. A bar one and a half kilometre’s long and home to a number of people. A place where mankind and aliens could drink without differences but it failed. It is the end of the third age, the time of the great war where mankind was plunged into combat against the evil Earl-Grey’s. This is the story of the last of the Badgerlon stations, the name of the place is Badgerlon 5.

The station commander sat admiring the view. It had been a quiet day so far, only three murders, an act of piracy, a medical emergence, declaration of no more then two new wars and only the one assassination of an ambassador.
Parridan mused, as is her wont at times like this, she has only held command for a few weeks, ever since the last commander was replaced due to a lack of respect shown by the station crew. Unfortunate that Ereclair had such a hard time with his name but it’s understandable how the crew would laugh.
Enough of this wool gathering, she has to deal with her security chief. An alcoholic security chief on a giant bar, who’d have thought.

"Garibeardy, get in here pronto!" Cried Parridan into the comlink. After sometime a none too steady bearded fellow staggered into her office on the bridge.

"How’s it going Chief? "asked the Rum soaked officer.

"Tell me Garibeardy, was there some form of emergency you’d spotted on the Promenade deck?" Asked Parridan.

"Not that I can remember Chief?" Replied the security chief.

"Then why pray tell did you seal off the ‘Tomatari House of Rum’ and attempt to find the source of the ‘Rum contamination’ by drinking each keg one at a time?" Screamed Parridan. "I commend you for your attention to detail and not wanting to endanger any of the other men but couldn’t you have left just one or two bottles for the regular customers?"

There was an uncomfortable shuffling of feet as Garibeardy tried to find some excuse his commander would accept. His misery was interrupted when Parridan was summoned to a council of the Aligned worlds.

The room was filled with aliens of all descriptions and only a few looked like humans with a piece of polyurethane on there foreheads. Parridan took her place at the head of the table beside the Bimbarri ambassador and the Perklon ambassador inside his full containment percolator. Parridan looked at the Perklon ambassador out of the corner of her eye. No-one knew what he looked like inside that environmental suit but he sure did smell nice. All anyone knew was that the other Perklons got rid of him as he talked to much.
Faint wheezing and bubbling sounds could be heard from inside the suit as well as a little voice saying ‘oh that’s good coffee.’

Across the other end of the table the Bimbarri ambassador could be seen trying to cuddle the Tomatari against his will. Haggbo Molari, the Tomatari ambassador looked pained as he tried to pry the young woman of the Bimbarri Huggling caste off of him. Threats of being sent to the Tomatari prison world of Narnia were to no avail.

Parridan’s second in command entered the room. Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova walked in with the two ensigns on either side supporting his name plate.
Parridan winced at this the nametag got stuck in the door and Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova had to walk in sideways. With Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova and his nametag filling up half of the table the meeting got under way. The first item on the agenda was the continued war between the Tomatari and the Dane empires. Ambassadors Haggbo and Spoo-Key glared at each other and a piece of air to one side of Spoo-Key growled like air shouldn’t. On the other side of Spoo-Key stood a tall mysterious fellow named Dr Mordred. Every one knew the Dr was a servant of the Earl-Grey’s but just couldn’t prove it. The station telepath, Raven Winters, was always touched by a cold shudder around him and just didn’t know why. The meeting continued……

Parridan flipped ahead in the script and saw there weren't going to be any earth shattering revelations for a scene or two. Taking the time to get comfortable she mused on the station's history.

Mankind's first meeting with the Bimbarri did not go at all well. A Bimbarri Dimple class assault vessel met a Terran Federation Claymore class raiding ship. The Bimbarri held out the hand of friendship but a ghastly mistake took place instead. Captain Amhorach mistook the Bimbarri's hailing huggle for something far more serious. He ordered his crew to General's quarters (far more spacious then the pool room and the General was on vacation so Amhorach was sure she wouldn't mind) and responded with a Gigawatt leer. The Bimbarri crew were unprepared for the sheer ruthlessness of this response and fled back to Bimbarri space for urgent talks with the Hairdresser Caste.

Thus did the Earth-Bimbarri war commence. Earth fought bravely but for no avail. Being so far away from everyone else Earth had no chance to stay with the latest fashions. The Tomatari's stayed neutral and only gave sarcasm and unhelpful advice that involved spinning one's head. Beaten back to our home system Earth was prepared for the worst when the Bimbarri suddenly surrendered. Parridan is one of the few non Bimbarri who knows why. The Couch-potato Caste of the Bimbarri sampled Earth's entertainment and spotted Beverly Hills 90210. The war was ended and a truce began.

With that bit of background out of the way Parridan turned her thoughts to grief. Five years ago her husband was lost with all hands on the survey ship 'Sitting Duck.' They were exploring a fringe world who's only name was Zar'she'blows. Northing was heard from them since. Dr Mordred was on the same vessel and he has since returned so Parridan still holds hope that one day she and Odonis will be reunited once more.

Parridan's thoughts quickly returned to the meeting when she heard Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova clearing his throat at her. Looking down she saw she had turned over two pages of the script at once and indeed there was a startling revelation to come. DeHanna, the Bimbarri ambassador, stood, dimpled at the crowd and in a hushed whisper introduced Alexus, the head of the Bimbarri/human trained band of crack anti-Earl Grey commandos - The Derangers! Everybody clapped and DeHanna nearly managed to pull off a group hug before anyone noticed. Faced with the rule that he couldn't drink while on duty Garibeardy quickly put himself under house arrest pending an investigation and cracked open a hip flask of the dark stuff.

The meeting adjourned and Parridan left to consider the latest earth shaking revelation to strike since last Tuesday. She was interrupted by Garibeardy and Raven Winters the telepath. Raven presented Parridan with evidence to suggest foul play was the cause of the tragic death of the previous Earth President. It seemed that the exact cause of death was kept out of public eye. The public version stated that he died from a heart attack but now the truth was out. He died of a bowel explosion. Through means foul he was artificially constipated while at his summer residence with his mistresses.

"You don't mean?" Gasped Garibeardy.
"Yes, he was bored shitless!" earth shakingly revealed Raven.
"Sighcorp !" Snarled Parridan between clenched teeth.
Sighcorp are the band of Government sponsored Apathaths (Apathy telepaths) which are responsible for public mental heath and university lecture notes.
By use of sheer mental power they can suck the enjoyment out of a room and leave it dull and listless. They gathered their power in doctor's waiting rooms and the schooling system before taking over a major part of Government. Now they rule with a steel grey fist and suffer no mocking.

"Only they would be so bold, and icky," she continued.
"But that's not all Captain," said Garibeardy.

Parridan sat at her desk, face frowning in worry. The meeting with Raven Winters and Garibeardy had gone well but the information was upsetting. How could Sighcorp be so bold as to first assassinate the President then to try to replace the stations coffee with decaf? (boo hiss!) The crew would have been dull and listless, ripe for mental domination. Being a woman Parridan filed this idea away for later use. Oh how Parridan wished for the old days on her previous command, the Argumentative. She remembered the fabled ‘Battle of the Line’ during the last ditch defence of Earth. A Bimbarri hairstylist had pushed past Parridan on her way for more drinks. A bitter fight broke out and only sheer cunning and a well placed blow to the happy sacks won the day for Earth. Ever since Parridan is known to the Bimbarri as ‘bar-killer.’ Parridan’s thoughts returned to the present. That was then and this is now and later will be dinner. She had more immediate problems to face. Number one was the Dane blockade of the station and the Dane hostage taking of the remaining Tomatari hairgel. That defy gravity hairstyle doesn’t just happen on it’s own you know. Already some Tomatari visitors had been mocked and ridiculed by station personnel. Medbay was filled with the casualties of these vicious attacks, Tomatari had flooded the medbay’s meagre resources with cries of embarrassment and the need for a shoulder to have a good cry on.

In the middle of her summary Parridan’s comlink bleeped for attention.

"Garibeardy here Parridan, we have a situation down here on B deck. Ambassador Badger seems to be ill!" Came the voice from the speaker. Parridan ran down to the deck in question and found the doctor (as yet uncast) and Garibeardy standing beside Ambassador Badger’s full environmental percolator. From out of the percolator steam could be seen to emerge and a faint screeching could be heard. From out of nowhere came the faint smell of apples. Parridan leaned closer to the suit and the screeching started to make sense.

"I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt......" was all she could make out.
The doctor opened up his VCR remote control and waved it over the prone form of Ambassador Badger.

"Um, this says he’s taking a shower Captain and also it’s time for your dental check up, your horoscope looks fine for the rest of the month and your colour for the day is blue." Said the doctor, reading off the screen of his VCR remote.

"A shower eh?" Replied Parridan as she leaned closer for a look inside the suit. No matter how she leaned and rubbed at the face plate she couldn’t make anything out so she gave up with a snort. Finally she grew bored and gave the percolator a kick. A small squeak came from within.

"What the hell?" It squeaked then with the hiss of feedback of an amp being turned up came the usual booming snuffle expected of the Perklon ambassador. "Yes? Captain you are wanted in the command centre."

"How the heck do you know that?" Asked Captain Parridan.

In his usual mysterious manner Ambassador Badger said nothing and walked off. Having not looked up Parridan and the good doctor didn’t notice the wall TV displaying the words "Captain get your butt up here pronto!"

In the command centre waited the Bimbarri ambassador, De-Hanna. After a quick huggle ™ for one and all she got to the point.

"Captain sweetie me and the girls have a surprise for you!" She squealed.

With perfect timing only possible with computer graphics an impressive ship came out of the Wyrm hole. It’s graceful lines and sleek body made it look more like a modern art sculpture than a designer sports shoe so the designers were safe from copy write infringement from the Roddenberry lawyers. It looked like a combination of Bimbarri technology as it was cute, a combination of Perklon technology as it was fast and a combination of Human technology as it had enough guns to blow a hole through a Win95 instruction manual.

"Holy shit!" Said Garibeardy for no real reason.
"It’s a gift from our home world Mini-bar!" Continued De-Hanna so I could use up a joke I’d been saving.
Parridan smiled, she’s going to go kick some ass!

The Dane Tomatari war: How it started.

Haggbo sat in his quarters. For all the eye could see was soft sheep skin (he's sort of Australian after all and they *like* to rub against sheep, real close like) and not a hard edge was within spitting distance. Haggbo was bored, he'd stuck a brush to the back of his head as usual but even this was not as interesting as it used to be. Suddenly he had a thought (for an Australian this is a often the cause of a national holiday,) "Why don't I start an intergalactic war which will cause untold numbers of people to be killed and even more numbers of people to be made television less?" The Danes have to be punished for their crimes. During their independence battles they had captured the world of Escort in the Ford system. This planet had the only naturally occurring source of pink and fluffy dice, without which no vessel could make use of jump gates or Wyrm holes. We must recapture this planet so we may form a glorious empire that will last one thousand years! With that thought out of the way and after having a good lay down because of it Haggbo had to find a way of not having to expend any effort on his part.

Two years, three months and a hand full of days the solution came to him.
"There's a Dr Mordred to see you your most non pink and fluffy magnificence," drooled Haggbo's assistant Vurgal. "He says he's the emissary of evil and wants to have a chat about the little problem you've been having."

"See him in and prepare my most gaudy outfit with even more gold accessaries than a catwalk stalking Fort Knox," cried Haggbo.

In walked Dr Mordred who was dressed in an outfit so black it had the vacuum of space filing for copyright infringement.

"Doctor Mordred, survivor of Zar'see'blows, emissary of evil, possessor of a smug smile that'll make David Copperfield fill his trousers and please don't ask who I work for," introduced the Doctor.

Haggbo was surprised as his quarters door remained open for minutes after the doctor entered. He swore he could hear faint voices as well and something was definitely standing on his toes now and again.

"Owwwww, he is pink and fluffy isn't he? Not much space in her is there?" Said the voices that no-one knew where there.

"Dr, may I offer you a tomato juice?" Said Haggbo.

"Most certainly, Ambassador," replied Dr Mordred.

"Selfish bastard isn't asking us is he? He can't see us you ninny, shut up will ya? I'm trying to catch a look at the script to see when next we get a chance to look down the blouse of that telepath woman." Replied the Earl Greys inmasse.

"Ambassador, I offer you unlimited use of our devastating armada of advanced Death Machines and all I ask is to destroy you all at a later date?" Asked Dr Mordred.

"Hmmm, not to sure about that," replied Haggbo.

"How about I offer you a set of steak knives and a VCR to go with it?" Smiled Dr Mordred.

"You're on!" Cried Haggbo as he sealed the fate of his race.

So was the pact with evil signed and the fate of many set.

Parridan sat nervously in her command chair. The refit of the station defenses had been going to plan but she wished there won't so many men involved with the redesign. She knew it would only be days before the station was over run with duct tape and sore thumbs. "It's a wonder anything works at all?' she thought.

Garibeardy walked into the command centre and slapped Parridan on the back.

"All set, just fire her up and we'll see what guts this station has got!" Shouted the security chief.

The station had just had it's defence turrets upgraded to at last pose a threat to something more hostile than a wet piece of paper.

Parridan activated the defence grid and armed the turrets. With a mighty flash and a beam of pure puce a turret opened fire and destroyed a neighbouring solar system..

"Holy crap!" shouted Garibeardy as he rapidly pulled out the extension cord from a power socket and replaced it in another. "Sorry about that, should have know not to use the mains."

The turret fired again and gave a gunnery target a nasty case of sunburn.

"Much better," clapped Parridan as once more the station defenses were as much use as a condom in the Vatican."

Garibeardy smiled as thankfully this meant the station wouldn't have to be renamed the 'Deathbar' and no-one wouldn't have to dig that bloody useless trench.

Before Parridan had a chance to relax her comlink beeped once more.

"We have a situation down her Captain, half the bar staff have come down with decaf poisoning! The poor bastards are just laying there!" Crackled the comlink.

"Get them to Medbay and call up the Doctor and I don't mean that strange chap that follows Haggbo around all the time," replied Parridan.

Down a few decks and across a wee bit stood the Medbay. Inside the doctor tried his best to save the crew members that had come down with the poisoning, He activated the alien artifact that allowed him to transfer coffee from one person to another at great risk to the donors health.

After this crisis was adverted Parridan returned to her quarters for a rest. Inside stood ambassador Badger, pretending he hadn't been going through her underwear shelf at the time.

"I'm sick of all this hiding and taking losses, I want answers Badger!" Cried Parridan.

"You aren't ready," replied the Perklon in a deep and booming snuffle.

"I want the truth!" Shouted Parridan.

"You can't Handel the truth," answered Ambassador Badger.

There was a shocked silence as the pun set in and Parridan stormed out as she wanted no part of this ill advised attempt at a joke.

The Bimbarri donated ship ran as smooth as a ruler who really knew what it was about. The Huggling caste of the Bimbarri crewed the ship and hug relief zones dotted the not even close to being crowded Bridge. DeHanna herself was giving a team peptalk that seemed to include as many group hugs as it did words. Parridan was impressed as this ship was even more advanced then Ambassador Badger’s living ship CoffeeBean 1. VDU’s were everywhere and there was even an entire section of the ships AI dedicated to running network Doom.

The ship, ‘The White and Two Sugars’, was on it’s shake down cruise. For some unknown reason this revolved around cruising past the local McDonalds with the sunroof down leering at young men/women. The Bimbarri enjoyed this immensely and had in the end to be dragged away. On the Bridge with Parridan and DeHanna was the local Deranger representative, Alixus; Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova (with the two ensigns holding his nameplate); Grand Admiral Amhorach, who had leered half the ships crew into a corner before breakfast and finally Ambassador Badger who was just there to go on a hoon with the lads. Little did they know but a grey shaded giant chicken shaped starship was following them, just this side of Hyperspace. A Earl Grey Chocobo fighter had found them.

The shuttle docked at the main entrance to the station. It was black with black trim and who could miss the black racing stripes on either side. It had only one passenger and that person was an official of SighCorp. Dyer Tractorfaktory left the ship clutching his duty free by his side. Bypassing customs with the SighCorp two fingered salute (yes that one) he made his way straight to the Bridge. By the time he had arrived thirteen different visitors had committed suicide rather then continue their now boring existence. Dyer was satisfied with his job. His last employer made him wear a silly red jumpsuit which seemed to attract fatal accidents like only a multi-million dollar insurance policy can. At least now he always looked like he was in formal evening wear and the accessories went with everything. No-one noticed his arrival until the sheer mass of hair gel present upon his head triggered a nearby smoke detector. Dyer smiled in embarrassment as the klaxon finally was silenced. He was annoyed to find most of the command crew away on a ‘shopping trip’ but soon got down to business with the sweating Garibeardy.

"So Mr GariWeardy…" Said Dyer.

"That’s Garibeardy," interrupted The security chief.

"That is what I said Mr GariWeardy, we are konkerned with the latest dewelopments in the Dane-Tomatari war," continued Dyer with a frown at Garibeardy for mentioning his speech problem. His last job always made him substitute ‘w’s for ‘v’s. Dyer cringed at the number of times he was required to say the word ‘wessels.’ "The Danes are going to attack the Tomatari supply world of KheapKrap in the K-Mart system. As you know this world is where the Tomatari empire has stokpiled its only supply of paper umbrellas for Koktails. I don’t need to tell you how the loss of these paper umbrellas would harm their war effort. We can’t allow this to happen so I want you to keep a klose *sober* eye on the Dane Spoo-Key so we can tell when the offensive is due to begin."

Garibeardy winced at having to spy on his friend Spoo-Key and nearly cried at the word sober. With a direct order from SighCorp and Parridan too far away to run interference he had no choice but to do as he was told.

The Dane Resistance movement met in one of those tunnels that riddled Badgerlon 5 that were large enough to hold a rock concert and seemed to exist for no real reason. On the wall were a number of large revolving fans hidden behind grills that serve no understandable purpose and were backlit for a reason known only to the station’s architect. A large view screen sat in one corner and this showed the Dane Empire’s leader during this moment of crisis. Also in a screen inserted in a bottom corner was Daytona as even a war can’t stop the sports channel.

"The attack must commence as soon as possible. We must destroy the umbrella’s before the Tomatari make use of them in vile ways that probably involve vodka," said The Great Dane (now there is an old joke.) "You will have full use of the Moog attack ships and Woog stealth fighters. This attack must succeed as the entire war effort is at stake."

"Whys that Great One?" Asked Spoo-Key.

"We can’t be bothered coming up with another plan," replied the Great Dane.

Unbeknown to them all Garibeardy sat hidden behind a tree branch he held before his face. Human cloaking technology is the best in the galaxy.

Unbeknown to them all AND Garibeardy sat Mr Mordred behind a disco ball. This guy is everywhere.

Unbeknown to them all BUT Mr Mordred stood seven Earl-Grey’s around Mr Mordred. They chatted amongst themselves and played ‘Travel Scrabble ™’ One seemed to be in a foul mood while another seemed quite jovial. One reclined across Mr Mordred’s shoulders fast asleep, one carried a medical bag., one seemed to have a cold, another wasn’t too bright and one blushed red while hiding behind Mr Mordred. This battle was going to go a little differently from what the Dane's think.

‘The White and Two Sugars’ flew gracefully through the dark void of space exactly like rocks don’t. Not that I have anything against rocks mind you, I wouldn’t let my daughter marry one even if I had a daughter but that’s another story. I like rocks and think there should be more of them but you hardly see rocks in the Russian Ballet now do you? Anyway ‘The White and Two Sugars’ was being graceful whether this is representative of rocks in general or not. Behind it a grey chicken shaped ship was being even more graceful, more graceful then a chicken generally is but I don’t want to start that argument again so we’ll leave it at graceful and say no more.

‘The White and Two Sugars’ was heading for a Terran Federation cache in a nearby system. After such a successful voyage of discovery (Ambassador Badger had discovered the now empty drinks cabinet) the tired crew were after a few beers for the trip home. All except the statutory Bimbarri driver who was pouting at the helm.

Looking out of the corner of her eye the Bimbarri helmsperson had noticed a Superstar Dispoiler leaving the cache and she immediately threw ‘The White and Two Sugars’ into reverse to grab the now empty parking space. The Bimbarri are not famous for their parallel parking skills so this was to be avoided at all costs.

Unsuspecting of this wild driving manoeuvrer the Chocobo fighter panicked and collided into the rear of ‘The White and Two Sugars’. Knowing that the Bimbarri crew would now be aware of it’s presence the Chocobo fighter dropped its stealth mode and made that screeching sound the Earl-Greys love so much. I think its like that noise trucks make when backing up but sounds far cooler.

Meanwhile on board ‘The White and Two Sugars’, Ukoivanovaiclovanovichanova cried "Holy Clusterf….."

Parridan turned towards him….

"…udge! We’re under attack Captain!"

Taking command of the vessel Parridan started giving out orders. "I want more red lights flashing and that klaxon noise to show this is an emergency! Get some of the crew to run up and down the corridors and bounce off the walls now and again. And next time we hit something I want to see the Bridge crew flung out of their seats as if they were attached to bungy cords! Show some life people!"

Grand Admiral Amhorach made his way to the gunnery console and activated the weapons of the ship. The screen scrolled down a staggering number of devices designed with mutilation in mind and the artistic flare to put it off in this fashion conscious universe. Just as he had locked onto the Chocobo fighter and pointed every gun on the ship at it he noticed the flashing red message at the bottom of his screen.

[ Please insert 2534 ‘C’ sized batteries before weapon use ]

"Oh bollocks," he mumbled as he realised the ship was defenceless.

The Chocobo fighter was taking no chances with this one. Already embarrassed and having lost its no claims bonus for this year it wanted it do nasty things to this interloper. Panels in it’s skin retracted and from out of the space inside came two elongated hands armed with a feather each. Flying under the Bimbarri ship the arms reached out and slowly started to tickle the belly.

[Tickle Tickle Tickle ] went the tickle alarm (what else would you call it?)

The Bimbarri crew was shocked as this tickle terror weapon was used against them. The ship rocked and squealed as it was assaulted by the Chocobo fighter. Grand Admiral Amhorach had one weapon at his disposal but just couldn’t bring himself to leer at a giant chicken. Strapping on his sword he readied himself for a boarding action. Their ship or the enemy one he wasn’t fussy.

Parridan looked out the view screen at the Chocobo fighter. So this was the enemy revealed at last she thought. Kind’a stupid looking really. No wonder they want us all dead, they can’t handle the embarrassment. Grabbing the helmsperson by the scruff of her neck (thus disabling her central nervous system) Parridan sat at the controls and commenced very evasive manoeuvrers. Escaping from the Tickle Cannon ‘The White and two Sugars’ circled away from the Chocobo fighter with fight or flight on it’s mind. Parridan had a plan which just may work. Without any active weapons systems and without Amhorach being able to leer at the fighter (if only they had agent fiend on board) Parridan was forced to improvise an attack. Ambassador Badger wheeled himself up behind her and gave unhelpful advice as always.

"Use the Force," snuffled the Ambassador.

"What?" Asked Parridan.

"Brute Force, clobber the bastich," replied the Ambassador with the sound of water boiling to add to the booming snuffle.

Parridan closed her eyes and with a swift prayer she started to rapidly reprogram the Bimbarri computer. Soon the ship’s AI was convinced that what she had in mind was in it’s best interests. Lights went out all through out the ship as all the available power was directed to Parridan’s will. With a final key press she was ready and ordered the computer to execute. The sound of a gun shot rang out and Parridan reworded her command before another Bimbarri became a ‘casualty’ of war.

The Chocobo fighter drew near to deliver the killing blow to ‘The White and Two Sugars.’ As it activated that really cool beam weapon it was shocked to see a panel open in it’s target and what looked to be a large boot emerge. Before it could take defensive actions the boot lashed out and the Chocobo’s last thought before its Happy Sacks imploded was "Oh shi…."

Parridan wiped her brow and signalled the crew to turn off the red lights. After picking up the beer they returned the ship to normal operations, rescued some of the crew from the before inactive spa bath and returned back to the station.

Parridan sat at the command center looking bored. The Dane-Tomatari war had ground to a stand still with no end in sight. The Earl Gray’s were still being chicken like and mysterious and her lesson with Ambassador Badger was hours away (she’d been learning the ancient art of Icky-thump.)

The station rocked suddenly and Parridan cursed as her coffee spilled slightly. Quickly Parridan cleaned up the mess before Ambassador Badger could see the spill and an interstellar incident caused because of it.

"We’ve had an accident Captain! Looks like a bombing!" Shouted Garibeardy as he ran in and then out of the command center.

Quickly Parridan followed and soon they came to an intersection riddled with debris. Bodies lay motionless across the floor and a good number of buildings were lying in pieces. "Good lord, the senseless loss of human life, oh and some aliens as well," said Parridan.

"Don’t worry chief, those bodies are just mannequins we put there after the explosion to make it look more exciting. No-one was actually hurt but having bodies does look better for the press," winked Garibeardy. Examining the crime scene Garibeardy filled in the details for Parridan. "It seems some nameless extra in a jumpsuit wondered down here and put a token into the coffee machine. After it dispensed the beverage the machine exploded in a CGI fireball with real nifty special effects. It was just as well he had drunk the coffee as its life giving powers saved him from injury and made him a much better person because of it. The coffee that is, not the explosion. All the explosion did was make necessary the rapid trip to a Laundromat before we interviewed him. Nasty business that, the smell will linger inhere for weeks now," continued Garibeardy.

"Hang on Garibeardy, did you say a coffee machine was the victim? Shouldn’t we inform Ambassador Badger?" Asked Parridan.

Before Garibeardy could answer the station was rocked again. This time by a mournful cry that bought tears to the eyes (ears?) of all who heard it. Inside this cry was the sound of a heart breaking and the shattering of all things beautiful. Sunsets won’t be as breathtaking and the stars at night will be ever dimmer. "OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shouted Ambassador Badger in dirge mode. The cry came in the form of a deep and booming snuffle. This deep and booming snuffle was much more deep and booming then any deep and booming snuffle heard before. This deep and booming snuffle was so deep and booming it made all the deep and booming snuffles that have come before sound like the laugh of a school girl on a summers day. This cry was so deep and booming whales in a nearby star system looked up and said to themselves "Now there’s a man who knows how to be deep and booming."

"Don’t worry chief, I think he knows," answered Garibeardy. Garibeardy and Spoo-Key made a quick note in the files neither one of them have. It has been confirmed that the Perklons do worship a greater being and this being is a Bean, a coffee bean.

The corridor fades out in a cheap and tacky fade out way but without any tasteless music in the background. Ambassador Badger joins Parridan and Garibeardy in the command center. The Ambassador looks unhappy and paces up and down in front of the view screen. His little wheels squeak as he trundles back and forth.

"This must not happen again!" Snuffled the Ambassador.

The command staff nodded and smiled at the Ambassador in the same way you nod and smile at an insane relative at a family get together. Parridan’s Comlink bleeped at her.

"Ah, Captain. Hope I haven’t found you at a bad moment. This is the Mad Bomber that Bombs only at Vending Machines. I have some unreasonable demands which are so unreasonable I won’t bother telling you them. As you won’t listen to me I’ll just tell you that I have planted another bomb and nothing you say to me will make me tell you it’s in the Reactor Bay. Oh damn, never mind….<click>" Said the Mad Bomber that Bombs only at Vending Machines.

Garibeardy gave the Ambassador a high five and rushed off to get some troopers in armour to find the bomb. "Hold on Garibeardy," said Parridan. "I’ll come with you with all the rest of the stations irreplaceable personnel. We’ll stand right next to the bomb and as we’re all so special there’s no way it can go off without killing us all and dooming this show to introduce a whole new cast."

"Excellent idea Captain but can we leave Ukolov………… etc here instead. His name plate eclipses the sun and that’ll make defusing the bomb that much more difficult.?" Asked the security chief.

Parridan nodded and the tour bus sized party wondered down to the engineering bays to find the bomb. Inside the bay was a huge throbbing fusion reactor that was easily 10 stories tall and as many wide. Lights winked on and off all over it and strangely colored pipes ran to and from this mighty engine. A low hum could be heard coming from it that promised at least as much power that is needed to operate a women’s hair dryer, twice, even when her hair is *really* wet. Next to this phallic symbol of an engine sat a tiny little two stroke diesel engine that was chugging away to itself quietly.

"What’s that?" Asked Parridan as she pointed to the humming power plant that harnessed the power of the stars.

"That’s the power source for the stations coffee machines." Explained Garibeardy.

"And that?" Asked Parridan as she pointed to the diesel engine.

"That powers everything else on board." Said Garibeardy again. "We really should get another one as the station’s lawnmower wouldn’t mind getting it back sometime."

Next to the fusion reactor sat an old IBM 386 with a countdown on the screen. The countdown read thus "T-minus 1 minute until Win 95 installation complete."

"We’ll all be killed if *that* gets near the reactor," said Parridan.

Everyone nodded around her as the horror of a Microsoft product having control of anything larger then a toaster struck them. A toaster with no bread that isn’t plugged in at that. After humming and buggering around for most of the minute someone finally decided to do something at last. Rather then see the station destroyed in the furnace heat of a systems incompatibility crash Ambassador Badger took action. There was the sound of Velcro ripping and of metal hitting the ground. Steam poured out of the Ambassador’s suit as it opened. Out of it came Ambassador Badger in all his glory.

What RiaHanna saw : The Bimbarri Ambassador looked at Ambassador Badger in shock. Out of the suit came a figure bathed in golden light. He wore a jeweled jumpsuit with a mighty collar. RiaHanna blushed as she stared into the face of ‘The Great One’. "Elvis!" She squealed as she tried to leap into his arms.

What Haggbo saw: Nothing, being a male and an Australian he missed all the important things and his only thoughts were of beer and rugby. Not that I’m saying this is a bad thing ;)

What Parridan saw : She looked into the open suit and her eyes finally met Ambassador Badger’s face to snout? From out of the suit crawled a small black and white animal with deep blue eyes. It was vaguely shaped like a weasel but had wicked claws on the end of all it’s paws. "What the hell are you looking at smoothskin?" Asked Ambassador Badger as he gave her a lick on the face.

Ambassador Badger leapt out of Parridan’s arms and jumped onto the 386. With a well placed, and many badly placed swings of his claws the Ambassador demolished the computer and the station was saved but more importantly the coffee machines would perk onward into the future. While everyone was standing around looking confused Ambassador Badger climbed back into his suit and had a hot one in celebration of the day.

The day was won but the Mad Bomber was still loose. What would happen next?