The Lost Years

By Mr Badger and Handel W. Care

This tale isn't part of the on going adventures of Hercubadger but a new tale from Hercubadger : The Lost Years. All characters and events may or may not have any connection with persons livng or undead. - Mr Badger

The Lost Years : Why we have six months of winter
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[Ed Note: Being below the 45 degree parallel I actually have nine months of winter but that's another story]

The tale begins with our Hero's in a drinking establishment. Handelolis is laying on an impressive pile of Rum casks (empty). A faint voice can be heard from the throat of Handelolis.

"Must drink more...so much Rum so little time.....body so frail...mind so weak..."

Another voice could be heard from Handelolis but about half a metre lower then the last one.

"....no! Leave me alone ya big bully. What did I ever do to you?"

"Quiet Liver or it's Hercubadger's Homebrew for you and no mistake.." groaned Handelolis.

"Did you say something?" Cried Hercubadger as he crawled out from under a pile of women. Hercubadger was looking splendid, as usual, dressed in a fine collection of wooly underwear and little leather straps. He strapped on his mighty warspade 'Thesarus' and opened the curtains. Handelolis screamed in agony as the bright rays of the stars stabbed his eyes. Ironic really considering the old saying.

"Get up my fine male friend with no connotations common to those of Ancient Greek culture even considering how I am dressed. We must journey forward on our quest to discover the lost city of Adidas. On the way we may perchance run into mythic monsters and a wonder bra or three." Inticed Hercubadger.

Handelolis was immediatly considering the latter while forgetting the former. "I'll do it!" With a combination of sheer willpower and the complete disreguard for the damage his body had suffered Handelolis jumped to his feet. After impacting against a table or two and missing the door by a good metre he finally made it out the door.

Outside stood Spookulus with three horses. Spookulus was a regular companion of the mighty Hercubadger and his mightily hung over side kick Handelolis. This was before Spookulus chose the Dark Side and took orders from Parrhera, this was before he learned the Dark Arts and started drinking De-Caf. This was when Spookulus was wearing furs and leather and not that stupid skirt, I mean toga, he wears in a later story.

"What fine timing Spookulus. What brings you to these fair parts with an extra horse or two?" Asked Hercubadger.

"I come to bring you warning Hercubadger and a message. Your stepbrother HadOes has kidnapped Parrsephone and taked her down to the Underworld. You must rescue her or the world will suffer an eternity of winter." Intoned Spookulus.

[Ed note: I know Parr already has a full time role but the budget's tight so we all have to make these sacrifices]

"And the warning?" Asked Hercubadger.

"Lay a hand on Parrsephone and her mother will have your bollocks for breakfast," replied Spookulus.

With the guys getting that sick feeling that goes hand-in-hand with castration the party set off towards the handy entrance to the Underworld. Outside could be seen the merchant Giovannius hammering at the door.

"Let me in, oh go on, just for a minute. I won't touch anything, I really like what you do that's all. How about a job? Part time?" After getting no reply Giovannius stomped off muttering something about how they will be sorry later and how he was working for Cappadocius until something better came up.

"Think we should stop him Hercubadger?" Asked Handelolis.

"Nah. What harm could he do. Let him go, I'm sure he'll become a useful member of society in the future." Replied Hercubadger with that lack of common sense that will be his trade mark in the future. Using the beeper that was his birthday present from Erezeus one year Hercubadger opened the gate to the underworld and the three brave-but-stupid heroes left this world for the other.

Downstairs in a room decorated by some one with a fetish for black/white with a bone fetish stood the Geehod of the Underworld, HadOes. HadOes had a collar that stood taller then mortal man. Any taller and people would mutter Set behind his back.

"So they come to take away my bride do they. Little do they know that my dog Surlybus is waiting for them. Would you stop building pyramids out of the damned!" Shouted HadOes at Parrsephone.

"Sorry, force of habit. They seem like such a good idea. Maybe we could make some money out of them?" Replied Parrsephone. "I find playing with souls so calming."

Far away in a badly lit chamber made out of stone the three heroes journeyed ever downwards.

"Watch out for the dog waiting in ambush Hercubadger," mumbled Spookulus in a voice loud enough so he could not be accused of not trying but not loud enough for Hercubadger to actually hear enough of to do any good.

With the warning just working its way through his not thin skull Hercubadger tripped over the waiting three headed dog and fell over on his face.

"Aww. Look at the puppies," chimed Spookulus and Handelolis, coming over all misty eyed. Completely ignoring their leader's unfortunate predicament, they moved slowly towards the pile of moving fur that was the offspring of Surlybus.

The mother of the puppies herself (well, no one ever got to check, did they) saw the strangers heading for her litter and got all protective. Obviously, the first order of business was to remove the lummox who had fallen on her while she was resting.

Hercubadger rose into the air with a yelp of pain, his hands clasped to his punctured posterior. "!!&^+?*$*@%%!!," he yelled (just in case the Censors were around), and spun to face the beast of legendary horribleness. A battle royale ensued, with Hercubadger finally gaining the upper paw.

"Don't hurt her," Spookulus yelled. "She's got puppies to bring up. Other than this one." He hugged a two headed bundle of joy, it's tail wagging madly. "I shall call him Spitzandalexus, and teach him to hunt down the minions of the evil Tremulus family everywhere."

"Guys, I could use a hand here you know," shouted Hercubadger in a life and death struggle to save his groin and all it entails from a doggy sponsored castration.

His struggles were ignored as Handelolis and Spookulus clucked and hmmmmmed at the puppy. The puppy seemed to be strangly transparent as if having a three headed mother guarding the land of the dead would influence a developing puppy's growth. At a loss to find an easy way out of this predicament Hercubadger grabbed one of the puppies that wasn't Spitzandalexus and drop kicked it over the river Fiddelstyx. Sillybus roared the cry of a pissed off mother and ran after the yelping puppy. Hercubadger groaned a sigh of relief and proceded to kick nine types of authority out of Handelolis and Spookulus. After this male bonding session was finished the three got up to continue the journey into the underworld.

Awaiting them on the shores of the Fiddelstyx was a hooded figure that looked strangely like Handelolis in a bathrobe. Turning around Spookulus noticed that Handelolis was nowhere to be scene. In fact, no one remembered seeing him since the last commercial break.

A pale hand stretched forth from one sleeve of the bathrobe. "It's four denars for the two of you," the figure declared. There was an amazingly strong smell of mints in the air. "The dog can ride free."

"We've got a friend coming along any minute.." began Hercubadger, but was cut off by the hollow voice.

"Umm. Burly, handsome looking fellow with a beard? Don't worry. I sent him on ahead."

Spookulus tried to get a better look at the ferryman's face, but was distracted by the puppy licking both of his ears at the same time.

"All aboard," bellowed the intimidating fellow, motioning to the ferry... which looked a lot more like a longboat than Spookulus or Hercubadger had expected. "Oars in rollocks, hands off bollocks. Ho, heave ho. Heave ho, " he intoned.

"I thought Careon was taller?" Spookulus whispered to Hercubadger as he pulled at his oar.

"And skinnier," Hercubager replied in hushed tones. "Maybe they have a roster system of some sort, or maybe it's all young wives' tales.."

The longboat pulled steadily through the mists, with Careon steering with one hand and keeping the face of his bathrobe closed with the other. Slowly the shores of the damned came into view.....

At last our heroes stood on the far shores of the Fiddlestyx after being delivered by the Fairyman Careon.

"Don't you think this dark visage before us looks a bit like Handelolis?" Asked Spookulus.
"Not at all my fine companion, Careon here stands many cubits taller then the dwarf size of Handelolis. Also Careon smells of pine incense and mint while my sidekick Handelolis emanates the smell of Rum from his very pores and on the subject....hey!" Cried Hercubadger in outrage as Careon's staff hit him in the back of the head.
"Sorry about that, got to get this thing fixed sometime," replied Careon, nearly hiding his broad smile.
"You'll have someone's eye out you will....ow!" Mumbled Spookulus before suffering the same fate as Hercubadger.

The two heroes and the Fairyman journeyed across the bleak and desolate landscape before coming to the final toilet before the Shadowlands.
"Why are there no toilets in the underworld oh wise Hercubadger?" Asked Spookulus.
"Because it's torment without relief Spookulus," replied Hercubadger with a joke that is nearly as old as he is.
As the three brave and foolish mortals/immortals came to a fork in the tunnel Careon raised a hand to his ear.
"Do you hear that?" Asked Careon.
"Hear what?" Replied the other two.
"That sounds like the footsteps of that brave and handsome adventurer Handelolis. Wait here and I'll go look" he cried as he ran down the tunnel.
Before long Handelolis appeared from the same tunnel.
"That dashing young man in the cloak wants us to carry on without him. He said something about opening time coming up soon or something." Said Handelolis with a completely cop-out excuse.

Meanwhile in another place, Erezeus and his band of banditos were partying up large, much to the disgust of his long suffering wife Parrhera.
"Juan you and Enrico go and get us som' more tequila. Jose I want you to fire your gun in the air a bit more." Said the King of the Geehoods.
Parrhera left them to their drinking and gun firing in the air. She journeyed through the many and varied rooms of the Palace of the Geehoods, taking time out to kick passing peacocks and many a small child, before coming to her favourite room, Evil Plots and Schemes Set #21. This room had the unbelievably sized bed as well as the magic viewing coffee percolator. Parrhera smiled to herself and called for her favourite guardsperson Random.
"Get me Hercubadger's brother, I have a vile and evil plan for him," she said.

Hercubadger, Handelolis and Spookulus continued to journey through the under world looking for Parrsephone. Handelolis was getting a little nervous as he hasn't been beaten up the entire episode. Usually he gets beaten up to within 2.54 centimetres of his life at least once an episode. They must be saving me for the real big fight scene that's bound to happen soon. Yeah that's it, I'll be safe with Hercubadger beside me. He's so brave and strong while I'm so weak and short.

From out of the darkness came a chilling laugh. Spitzandalexus ran for cover up Spookulus's toga. Hercubadger took a mighty pose and waited for the evil to present itself. As the camera panned a little to the right the audience could see the big nasty that was to be this weeks episode badperson. Handelolis gasped as he saw a perfect replica of Hercubadger standing in front of them. Hercubadger grunted at the new comer who grunted back. Handelolis and Spookulus waited for this long and drawn out from of masculine one upmanship to finish. Before long the two Hercubadgers were all posed out and the battle could begin.

"I knew you had to be here somewhere. It has been nearly two whole episodes since one of my relations tried to kill me. So I see it is your turn, my twin double who happens to be my sister's second cousin by marriage twice removed Hairdressers assistant. I could smell you 1.61 km away Percubadger," ranted Hercubadger.

The evil twin of Hercubadger posed in the traditional evil doer's pose. He chuckled as he sampled the contents of a steaming black stein made out of a polished skull. The rich aroma of ground coffee beans, leached by hot water drifted across the room and Hercubadger was strangely attracted to it. He fought this urge and waited for the traditional evil doer's reply to the hero's opening rant.

"Ah Hercubadger we meet at last. For too long have I washed women's hair while they endlessly complain about their husbands. For too long have I rinsed while you gather all the glory in far away lands. Now I am our Father's new wife's favourite. Now I will be sponsored by multinational corporations to sell Whisky products. Now I will be the one who gets to meet all those beautiful people in beautiful places and not do anything to them. Now I will be the one who gets to see all those push-up bras and it'll be from the front and not above like all the other times when I'm fixing a tacky dye job. Prepare to be permed Hercubadger!" Snarled the bitter exhairdresser's assistant.

Hercubadger leapt back as his twin brother (nearly) threatened him with a hot styling brush. Hercubadger feared for his golden flowing locks and retreated before the hair stylist.

It had so far been a clean fight but for no longer. As the two fenced off with curling tongs PercuBadger pulled forth a can of hair mousse. With a practice 'whoosh' into the air like they always do with syringes PercuBadger grinned and advanced upon our hero.

"You cad!" Cried HercuBadger as he took a step back from the 'do ruining weapon.

"At last I can claim my just share of wonderbras (TM)!" Retorted PercuBadger with an Amhorach patented leer in his eye.

Handelolis and Spookulus stood to one side utterly bored by the entire event.

"Is all this posing really necessary?" Asked Spookulus.

"Of for sure, HercuBadger can't even get out of bed in the morning without at least a pose or two. He once went into one of those hall of mirror things and nearly starved to death because of his non-stop posing. A horrible sight it was, exhausted and yet still flexing just that one more time," replied Handelolis.

Faced with yet another terminally boring fight scene the two sidekicks of the great one had to take action. Handelolis quickly sketched out his plan to Spookulus and the two of them (and a little puppy) immediately put it into action.

"We need just one more thing and it's over there behind that fake looking rock. Wait here and I'll just go get it," Said Handelolis with a wink.

Handelolis disappeared behind the rock and minutes later the Fairyman Careon strode like only a cloaked figure can down the passage.

"Relax companion of the handsome bearded chap I just saw pass me on the way here. I have the matter in hand," said Careon.

Careon reached into his robes and pulled out the Cellular Phone of the GeeHoods! Spookulus ignored the empty Rum bottles that fell out as well as the Wardrobe people can't be expected to find them all. Holding the phone out to Spookulus Careon waited patiently for the not yet evil one to insert two coins, local call, no indirect charges. After punching in a 24 digit number Careon reached the one he sought in an effort to end this fight scene before HercuBadger could toss his golden locks in the torch light again. The call was answered on the first ring and a voice spoke out before Careon could utter a word.

"Ah Fairyman, I knew you'd call. Yes I can end this dreary combat but first I have an offer you can't refuse. All it will cost you is your service on the dark path," said Omnius, the Geehood Father.

"Never..." began Careon before being interrupted.

"...wait a minute, that doesn't sound so bad. Do I get an Evil Gleam (TM)?" Asked Spookulus.

Shocked at this change of heart shown by Spookulus Careon fled to another chamber of the rock caverns. Coincidently Handelolis returned minutes later. Taking matters into his own hands Handelolis reached over to Thesaurus (mighty spade of HercuBadger) and took a mighty swing. With a BONG that could be heard as far away as the Sunken Island of Adidas PercuBadger crumpled and the fight scene was ending just in time.

While Spookulus haggled with Omnius the three ventured further into the underworld....

No demigeehoods or hairdresser assistant's were injured during the making of this episode.

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