By Handel W. Care, Hagbutt and Dyer.
Part Ten........
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When last we saw our brave heroes Hercubadger, XeMEna and Handelolis they were in the company of Hagbuttus, and an elder god had just come through the wall:
Polystyrene rocks fell onto the pair - who overacted the impact. In the moonlight streaming through the now opened wall stood fiendolayhewho himself...
"That ain't Jim Bean...." said Hercubadger.
"Damn," said Handelolis, as realisation had struck along with the rocks, "I still haven't had that drink!"
"Oh no!" XeMEna positioned herself to cause horrible damage to fiendolayhewho whilst Hercubadger and his shorter comrade in arms pushed themselves out of the rubble. As her foot whistled towards his unprotected crotch she was suddenly put off balance and target by Hagbuttus waving a beautiful silver amulet in front of her face.
"Shiney," she said, grabbing for it.
Hagbuttus danced out of her reach. XeMEna soon found herself doing the foxtrot with the strangely charismatic next door neighbour of Parrhera. This close to him there was something vaguely worrying for XeMEna... sort of the same feeling she had around Hercubadger. Was it the almost unearthly strength of the man? Was it the palpable aura of semi-godhood? Was it the way the shadows of his stubble seemed impossibly more fuzzy than they actually looked?
"shituspantus, thanks hagbuttus," said fiendolayhewho, just as a cacophany of thwoks sounded from somewhere. fiendolayhewho turned slowly and caught sight of the arrows sticking out of his back. "owww," he owwed. "guess ArdOes has decided to put in an appearance," he managed to observe before being roughly kicked to the ground as the god of war entered the rock strewn passageway.
"What are you sad excuses for villains doing here," asked the formidable violent psychopath of a deity. "And where are the good guys?"
"Well they're right here you blind moron...." Hagbuttus' voice trailed off as he found that he was no longer holding XeMEna, and had lost the silver dog collar he had nicked to piss off Spookulus. There was also no sign of Hercubadger or Handelolis. Hagbuttus began repeating one word very loudly over and over and over again.
* * *
"He doesn't sound very happy. Maybe we should run faster." They ran faster.
"Should he really be saying that word," asked a barely puffing XeMEna. "Don't worry, the censors will take care of it," replied a somewhat red faced Hercubadger.
Handelolis, nursing a stitch, merely nodded.
* * *
"I can't WHAT?" Hagbuttus roared. More than a little miffed at the three women who had appeared and started shushing him, he made to attack the seemingly foolish females. A hand fell upon his shoulder and he turned to see ArdOes halting his attack. "Let me go, shithead!"
"Hmm. Not very PC. Sssssshhh," shushed the three. Whilst Hagbuttus recovered from the shushing AredOes was able to explain. "These are the three Censors - the babe, the mother and the old hag. Excessive and gratuitous swearing will summon them. Strangely, it needs a hel...heck of a lot more violence for them to get interested. A hint - they only speak American English in this version, despite being Greek." He put his hands up in a 'don't ask me' gesture.
"Really? Heh. So I guess that they'd have absolutely no idea if I called you a wanker? Cool," Hagbuttus grinned at the lack of hushing.
"well, they do use it as peggy bundy's maiden name. i guess they wouldn't have any idea," interjected fiendolayhewho, proudly showing off his "media junky since before you'd believe, mortal" badge.
"Yep," said ArdOes. "I can say 'merde' to my heart's content too." The Censors, beaten for the moment, faded from view. "Bloody hell," muttered Hagbuttus under his breath. "What were we up to before being so rudely interrupted? Oops. The good guys. They must have a huge lead by now, so we'll have to... cheat."
Putting two fingers to his mouth, Hagbuttus let loose a piercing whistle. Immediately, a rattling and padding approached. Down the passageway (which hadn't been that large before, but now was) came the Buttchariot - drawn by Drogaedogum, and pulled by him too.
"Jump aboard losers. Let's go get 'em," yelled Hagbuttus.
* * *
"It was great how you managed to get us past all those traps and zombies and things, Hercubadger," sighed XeMEna.
"Yeah, it's a shame that they're saving the sfx budget up for that big showdown later, though," replied Hercubadger.
"Is Handelolis alright? He looks mighty strange. Perhaps one of Parrhera's minions has cast an eeeeevil enchantment upon him?"
"What? There'snothingwrongwithme.Whatareyoutalkingabout?" Rattled off Handelolis in 0.75 seconds.
"By Erezeus," said Hercubadger, putting his hands to his head in distress. "He's been without Rum for too long. He'll just keep getting faster and faster without depressants in his system. We must find some alcohol, and soon."
"Is he in danger," asked a worried XeMEna. She watched as Handelolis shook with barely controlled energy and sought in all the corners for enemies to fight... or was he looking for a certain dark liquid?
With a sickly grin Hercubadger explained. "No. It's just that he'll be able to finish off the minions of evil before I've even had time to pose at this rate. I'm the hero damnit!"
Part Eleven........
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Behind the reins of the Buttchariot, Hagbuttus was quite happily swearing in German to his heart's content.
"Scheisse, Scheisse, Du bist ein schwein, Ja ja", said Hagbuttus. "You know, it doesn't do any good at all. Hey, look what I just made." He proffered an Olde Yoghurt Bowl, with a foul smelling liquid in it.
"What is that thing?", asked ArdOes, turning up his nose. "This is the reason why I always get cast in films. It's a Special Effect, and we will shortly use this to cause the effect of a ball of flame. Does anyone have the Gift of the Gods?", asked Hagbuttus, making little scratching motions.
fiendolayhewho looked around proudly and announced: "i do."
"Good. Then light this thing"
"oh, you mean fire. no, sorry, i'm all out."
Hagbuttus was getting mightily angry at this moment, and from his mouth came a loud alarum. "BEEPing H*ll, you BEEPin BEEPwit! I told you to bring the BEEPin fire when we got onto this BEEPin thing, and we don't BEEPin have any!!!"
Everyone noticed the background music becoming more urgent and pacing, they could see Hercubadgers' party and a particularly enraged Handelolis.
"Dismount & prepare the fire!" commanded Hagbuttus, the mildly fuzzy at this stage, but not fuzzy enough to make a big deal out of.
"Woof" said Drogdog, as he prepared the Box of Eerie Noises.
"i'll be with you in a minute" said fiendolayhewho, "i've just got to get these arrows out of my back. i look like a blo..bla..big porcupine"
* * *
"BLACKBERRY NIP!!!!", screamed Handelolis as he entered into a berserker rage, smashing down a stable with a single blow.
"TURKISH COFFEE!!!!". Handelolis was now in the process of slaying guardsmen with a rollingpin.
"GA.....!", started Handelolis as Hercubadger hit him fiercely over the back of the sternum, knocking him unconscious.
Hercubadger looked embarrassed and blushed. "Sorry, but he was stealing my lines. You know how I don't like that."
"I understand, it's obviously just a bad case of Malkavius Rigor Non-Mortis. This has been a Hableus Corpus.", said Xemena, stowing Handelolis' lumpy remains into a corner out of the way, "He should be all right soon. But what's that sound?? That music.....?"
The sounds of Wagner filled the air, as a cloud of dust appeared on the horizon.
Part Twelve........
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"The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming," muttered Handelolis in his somnambulent state.
"Business as usual," said Hercubadger, girding his loins once more. XeMEna looked away. "Don't you think you've been over doing that recently," she asked in a slightly puny voice for a warrior princess.
"This is no time to get all silly and weak kneed," replied Hercubadger. "We're a man short, and for a change he's not actually able to get into the fight either. Through no fault of his own," he quickly added somewhat shamefacedly.
Hercubadger peered at the four harbingers of evil clustered around the now stopped Buttchariot. One was doing contortions, another loading a huge multiple crossbow, while the last humanoid and the dog were gathered around something on the ground. "Foul sorcery," yelled our hero, as he caught a whiff of the gunk in Hagbuttus' bowl with his mighty nostrils. Luckily, he woke up near Handelolis' evening breath fairly frequently and was used to powerfully unhealthy odours. A lesser mortal might have become a mite queasy.
Preparations over the bowl continued, to the sounds of demonic voices and eeeevil mutt'rings. Drogdog played with the buttons on the Box of Eerie Noises some more and listened to the track results until Hagbuttus gave him a baleful gaze. Hagbuttus put the box back on parliamentary broadcasts whilst Drogdog played with the baleful gaze.
"What's that terrible pong," asked Spookulus from behind Hercubadger. He had already knocked out XeMEna, who was splayed across the back of Spitzandalexus, and was attempting to fireman's lift the prone form of Handelolis onto his left shoulder.
"Ooops," he exclaimed, realising that Hercubadger had been alerted to his presence.
The Fates, however, smiled upon Spookulus, as at this moment the background music built to a crescendo and Hagbuttus threw the now lit yoghurt bowl towards the wavering demi-god. Having little choice but to act incredibly courageous and stupid, Hercubadger attemted to intercept the smoking missile before it could harm his unconscious friends. Leaping skyward in a tremendous bound he swatted at the container with his rolling pin.
* * * B O O M P H A * * *
An explosive fireball the likes of which few on the ground had ever seen engulfed the form of Hercubadger. All instinctively looked away from the flash. When they were able to see again, there was just smoke, the terrible smell of burnt hair, and the remains of an Olde Yoghurt Bowl shattered beside the cindered mess that was once a sandal.
"SHIT!!" fiendolayhewho and ArdOes shouted in amazement. Then they ran, for three woman had appeared, and were beating them about the head and shoulders with placards.
"Heh heh." Hagbuttus smiled, while shooing noxious blast vapours away from his face. "Serves the... stuck up youngster right," he gloated with great self control.
* * *
"Yes, my beloved goddess. Hercubadger dead, and Handelolis and XeMEna at your feet. Have I done well," asked the abased servant at his mistress' (he wishes) feet.
"Too well, I fear, Spookulus. Things are falling together just a little too easily. All the same, I am impressed with your service. Greatly impressed."
Parrhera paused and looked at Spookulus.
"Two other things, my faithful right hand man."
"Yes," Spookulus raised his eyes hopefully.
"Get that damn dog out of here, it's scaring the peacocks and you did get the Demon Spelling to rewrite the script, didn't you? There's no way we can be sure Hercubadger is dead otherwise?"
"Of course I did , great one," lied Spookulus.
Part Thirteen........
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The palace guard was martshing into a bar, for the usually evening aktivities. In the very bak of the line, one person was walking along with his head down. "Join the army, they said..." muttered the last soldier.He looked up and looked for his friend, Random, but kould not find him. "Have a great adventure they said..." He turned and looked behind him, bekause looking behind him seemed to be a safe thing to do... "Yeah right."
"All that I have done in this army is go to a bar every night, and fight Herkubadger, who is not doing anything wrong... So why am I doing this?"
Lt. Dyer got to the krowded bar, and sat down. "Maybe I should quit." Dyer turned and looked at all of the soldiers, who were doing the same thing they had done every night sinse he had known them. He dukked as a spear flew at his head, and then sat bak up again. His eyes followed the flight of a dirty body across the room, and he watshed as it krashed into a resently vakated table, skattering shards of wood all over the plase. "And all the army does is provoke this? Well, I have had enough..."
Dyer stood up, and walked karefully towards Random. "Kapt. Random, sir. I am afraid I have something to tell you."
"Yes, what is it Lt., are you bored again?"
"Yes...er... well besides that, sir. I have desided to hang up my loin kloth." Dyer dropped the kloth to his feet, pikked it up, and handed it to Random.
"Is that it then?" Random asked impatiently.
"Well yes, I suppose that it is..."
Dyer walked out of the bar, happy with his desision, and quikly realized just how useful a loinkloth really is. He looked around for a klothing shoppe, and as soon as he found one, he went inside.
Properly dressed, Dyer made his way out into the kountry... to hopefully fight with Herkubadger instead of against him.
* * *
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