The Vacation of HercuBadger : Part the first

by Mr Badger

HercuBadger awoke to another dreadfully fine warm summers day. How he was sick of all that blue skies and light spring breezes. Living in Ancient New Zealand could certainly wear thin, all that idyllic weather and graceful sunshine. What HercuBadger really wanted was some old fashioned pissing down with rain. A gale, with winds so strong they'd even surpass the 'Handelolis eats too much Bran' incident of years past. Noxious fog so thick you'd think he was in the laundry and it was wash day. HercuBadger sighed.

Handelolis walked out of the next door Villa and stretched with a collection of pops and groans that led HercuBadger to believe he was under small arms fire. After HercuBadger got off the ground and brushed the micro amounts of dirt off his person Handelolis stopped grinning and sat down with a wheeze and a crackle issuing forth from his elderly body.

"Is something upsetting you HercuBadger? It's not even the crack of lunchtime yet you're up and about sighing all over the place. You usually wait for the maid to clean up all the unconscious women from your floor before showering at least?" Asked Handelolis.

"It's the job my little budget sized powerhouse. When one is this handsome and powerful one soon tires of all the senseless adoration and devotion from one's fans. One waits for some unforseen setback to leap up and punch one in the throat just to contrast one's own eternal perfection. Soon even one's own golden locks fail to interest one. Sure they shine like a glorious beacon to the little people, as if made of sunlight blended with the finest ambrosia and sprinkled with a multiple orgasm. But to one they are just a reminder of how gorgeous one really is without even trying. One needs a change Handelolis, I need to get away from it all and just have a luxurious slob in private," replied HercuBadger.

Handelolis nodded and decided that if HercuBadger mentioned 'one' once more there'd be 23 of him under all that hair. "You should go on holiday HercuBadger, go somewhere really horrible, somewhere so lacking in comforts you'll just love the change. Somewhere the monsters aren't made of polystyrene, somewhere where people speak a strange and foreign tongue that grates at the cell in your brain. Somewhere the only sun shining will be out of your own backside. Somewhere so backward the only hot water you'll see will be a coffee cup with two sticks rubbed vigorously together under it. Somewhere the women will only throw themselves at your feet to steal your shoes. Somewhere the local beer tastes exactly like it smells and it smells exactly how the locals look. Somewhere so depressing it makes a Tremere holiday camp look like a dose of Prozac." Stated Handelolis.

HercuBadger nodded slowly, slowly as being actually in the morning he wasn't sure what stress he could put his brain under without it slipping out his ears, again. "I know just the place Handelolis. It's nearby and populated with the throw outs of many a story. It's the place where b-grade villains are sent to 'get over it.' The place where harden criminals are sent to make room for more harder criminals. Its a place where you have to be thrown out of somewhere else first to go. We're off to Ousted-ralia."

Handelolis groaned. "Shouldn't we pack first?" Said Handelolis as he scuttled after the disappearing HercuBadger.

"What ever for my wrinkled car battery of a companion? I've got my leather pants, you've got your shirt and dangly thing around your neck. Do we need any thing else?" Asked HercuBadger. Handelolis shook his head and followed silently.

The journey to Ousted-ralia was to begin by ship. It wasn't the most sea worthy looking vessel for sure but not many a sane sea captain would risk the horror filled waters of the Tasman sea. HercuBadger boarded the 'Fair Dunk'em' just before sun set. The Captain of the vessel greeted them both at the water line. He was a tall gentleman wrapped in a long brown robe. His breath, even though the face was hidden, smelled strongly of peppermints. The Captain waved permission to come on board and HercuBadger nodded his thanks.

"Looks strangely familiar that chap eh Handelolis?" Asked HercuBadger. As no answer was forth coming HercuBadger spun around to find a Handelolis shaped empty space beside him. With Handelolis being only a little chap HercuBadger looked down to make sure he hadn't inadvertently stepped on him during the walk along the beach. Finding no foliage attached to his boot HercuBadger shrugged and walked across the plank to question the Captain.

"Yes, I know of the brave soul known as Handelolis. He is famous on board this vessel for being wise beyond his youthful years and being of great stature, all parts of him," answered the Captain. HercuBadger looked at the robed figure more closely, closer still, then if at all possible closer still. The Captain grew slightly nervous as this passenger was now standing only centimetres away and squinting fit to burst a (the only) brain cell. "It's me you dozy twit! Careon, the Fairy Man. Remember that little trip across the River Fiddle Styx?"

HercuBadger nodded with a grin and slapped the towering figure on the back of the shoulder. Under his robe Careon tilted sharply to one side as he nearly fell off his stilts. "This is my summer job, the pays better and you get to meet more women, well the same number of women but they're not all pinning for a lost love or out to rescue someone from the HadOes Happy Holiday Inn and Punishment Realm. The Ousted-ralian's aren't all that bad once you stop them stealing everything. We lose a lot of lamp fuel as well once they realise it tastes better then their beer but all the same they know how to have fun. Good to see you after all this time, still got the pants I see."

HercuBadger stalked the deck like a woman locked outside a shoe sale. He was eager to get to Ousted-ralia so he could relax without being overwhelmed by women wanting to keep their hands warm inside his trousers. HercuBadger took a long look at the vessel. Things had changed since last he sailed such a voyage with Captain Jayus. The wonders of Technology were strewn all over the ship. On top of the Bridge sat a slowly rotating little dog which 'yapped' at the sky softly every now and again. The dog sniffed the return of each 'yap' and wagged it's tail wildly at one point in the sky. The 'yapping' got louder and louder until even the keen eyesight (keen as to eyesight as sharp is to a rolling pin) of HercuBadger noticed the high flying figure of an Imperial Parrheran Catapult rider over head. Impressed with the wonders of the new light weight ROVER sensor HercuBadger shook his head at what else would come from the Parrheran Resource Laboratories.

Captain Careon chuckled behind HercuBadger, causing him to spin around in a manner not unlike a washing machine covered in golden lint the size of dreadlocks. "Amazing what they'll come up with next. When I was a lad all we had to watch out for aircraft was a really tall mast. We'd wait for them to hit it and before you could say road kill we had some lunch. Now days we have ROVER up there for us. Come have a look at this," explained Careon as he led HercuBadger away to the bow of the vessel.

At the very front of the bow was a small cage with a clear bottom facing the ocean. Inside the cage was a incredibly cute looking fluffy kitten with it's attention focused on the water in front of the vessel. The kitten continually paced up and down the cage meowing as it struck out at fish only it could sense. Every now and again the kitten would rear up and hiss toward one certain direction. Every time this happened the crew person stationed at the bow would shout a warning to the tiller. "Kraken on the starboard bow!" Shouted the person. In response the ship was steered slightly toward the left and the confrontation was avoided.

"Back in the good old days," explained Careon in the tone of voice that only the extreme elderly can pull off without sounding patronising. "We used to just run into those things all the time, be it beast, reef, other ship, Sumo Wrestler what ever. If it were a beast then generally it was either concussed and we'd escape, mad as hell and it was over the side with a Ginsu in your teeth, or just a friendly Dolphin and it was over the side time with a Ginsu in your teeth. Can't stand those grinning bastards, you know I can't. This sort of thing can be a bit hard on the old crew if it happens too often. Lucky for us, or rather for them, the good people at the Parrheran Research Laboratories came up with an ocean version of ROVER up there. It's called CENAE and works along the same lines. To top it off with CENAE we've got rid of the bothersome rat problem as well. The only draw back seems to be the headless Albatrosses I keep finding under my bed but I can't stand those ugly things either so here's to Progress!" Toasted Captain Careon. Careon looked deep in thought for a few minutes. "Little bugger could still be out there without moving, CENAE has trouble spotting that sort of thing on passive. Better shift to active CENAE!"

After this command a crewperson sneaked up to behind the kitten's cage with a hand full of peanuts. "Just one ping, that'll do it," whispered Captain Careon. In response the crew person flicked just a single peanut at the kitten's head. With a little meow of surprise the kitten growled and swiped a paw at one corner of it's cage. "Thought so, still ahead of us, take us around if you will Boson!" Ordered Careon. HercuBadger shook his head and patted the kitten to pass the time. "Used to have a few problems if we used a Tom CENAE, too many pings and the instrument will urinate at you, the smell hits the water and suddenly everyone knows where you are. Passive CENAE can pick up an overly active one from kilometres away." HercuBadger nodded his head at this new technology.

The next day adversity struck. "Pirates!" Shouted a crew member. HercuBadger staggered out from his cabin but luckily landed on a huge pile of empty beer cans he'd thoughtfully tossed out his cabin window the night before. Off the side but easily keeping up with the 'Fair Dunk'em' was a strange looking vessel. It was coloured yellow and seemed strangely warped to the eye. The flag flapping proudly in the air was of a leaping frog with dark glasses on with a stick.

"Cane Toad," corrected Careon as he passed. "Thought we were in trouble there for a minute but these blind buggers have to work up enough energy to hurt themselves let alone anybody else. Come from some Monarchy passed system up north, Queensland or something? Anyway all the dismal weather and endless cloud filled skies depress the hell out of the locals. They just sit there and tan not at all and when it does happen it isn't easy. Bloody dreadful place, palm trees all over and cane as far as the eye can see. Why don't they just turn it into Rum and make everyone happy? Blah, blah, blah....., blah!" Ranted Careon.

HercuBadger turned away from the Captain and waited for him to finish. Just as the 'Banana Bender' come along side and seemed to be ready to over take then cut off the 'Fair Dunk'em' the crew went silent and each held a small white piece of paper between their fingers. Some were moving their lips in prayer while others were thumping the hand rail of the 'Fair Dunk'em' in excitement. Just as the 'Banana Bender' was neck and neck with HercuBadger's ride it almost instantly broke and two and sank. In the water were some very surprised and unhappy Queenslanders. The more energetic amongst them waved an angry fist at the 'Fair Dunk'em' as it disappeared into the distance.

Captain Careon looked at his hourglass and addressed his waiting crew. "We have a new record, just 8.57 seconds from failure to complete submersion! The winner of this voyages raffle is crewperson Saragason who wins a the bottle of Rum from my private collection."

As the crew departed to do that ship sailing thing they know so well Careon turned back to explain things to the notably inpatient HercuBadger. "You see Ousted-ralians are famous for a number of things and one of those isn't their shipbuilding skills. Put one of their efforts under a little strain and before you can say 'bugger me, she's frucked,' they break in two and sink. After laughing our tits off the first few times we on board this vessel decided to hold a little raffle now and again, to lighten the journey somewhat. It's starting to cost me a bit of Rum now days so next time I'll leap aboard and scuttle her myself to get some of it back, all's fair and all that."

Soon the voyage was nearly over. On the horizon could be seen the blasted crags of the coast line. The vegetation was worn and scarcely alive. A few locals could be seen tending the crops but even they seemed twisted stunted individuals. After following the coast line for a time the entrance to their port of call appeared out of the gloom. To one side sat an enormous winged structure, brightly lit and curved like a pile of dishes joined by chewing gum.

"What's that?" asked HercuBadger.

Careon looked at the sight and grinned. "The local brewing facilities seem to revolve around the use of sweat socks and cattle urine, so the taste leads us to expect. Even they agree that the beer from your homeland is much easier on the palate as well as the furniture varnish. As such they import vast amounts and store in inside that structure. Having your homeland export all its undesirables along with the beer hasn't endeared you to the Ousted-ralian's but they'll do nearly anything for a good beer, only thing that makes me believe they're human. To keep it cool they built that structure over there to hold it straight off the ship till it can be distributed elsewhere. That my friend is the Sydney Harbour Fridge," grinned Careon.

HercuBadger nodded this wisdom and hid the pain he felt on the inside at that pun. Soon they travelled under a massive iron structure that stretched from one side of the harbour to the other. On the far side of this was a huge cathedral like building. Its battlements were story upon story high and eventually vanished into the clouds. Guards were positioned at the gates and Careon started the tour guide speech again.

"The Ousted-ralian's are ruled by their desire to star in soap operas. This desire overwhelms what little willpower that can muster. That building over there is their temple to all that is frivolous and nauseating. No one knows who rules from inside but if that scares you wait till you see their 'Neighbours.' Tremble in fear HercuBadger, if you should ever be trapped within the Sydney soap Opera House." Finished Careon with a booming but unnecessary evil sounding chuckle. After the Captain finished his coughing fit he docked the vessel and waved goodbye to his passenger. Walking down the gang way, high fiving the ripped leather wearing muscle boys trying to steal the ship's barnacles (never expect a barnacle lock to secure anything), HercuBadger heard the sound of a sudden splash from behind him. Turning around he saw nothing out of the ordinary and continued on his way to shore. Waiting for him at the bottom of the plank was a wet looking, dripping Handelolis.

"Right then, welcome to Ousted-ralia, where ever you've been. Lets cause some trouble...." grinned HercuBadger as he and Handelolis went off to find a bar.

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Part 2: In Ousted-ralia