The Twelve Tasks of HercuBadger

Task One

by Mr Badger

HercuBadger moaned in his sleep for reasons other than the 'sort of hot' curry Handelolis had cooked for dinner that night. Sweat covered the mighty brow of the Hero we know and love. HercuBadger mumbled as his dream unfolded.

"Please stay," asked the nymph, "me and my seven sisters would be ever so grateful."

"Only the eight of you eh? I don't usually cater for small crowds," replied HercuBadger to the adoring crowd of nymphs. "But you do seem to have a very large comfortable pony harness over there so..."

"STOP!" Roared a new voice in this dream. The voice was male and filled with the clash of thunder and the firing of sidearms. A hint of baked beans was in the air as well as the acrid smell of fermented corn products.

HercuBadger turned and saw that the voice belonged to none other then his father the mighty Erezeus. "The people need a hero HercuBadger. Times are tough and they need to see the golden light of your shining hair at the end of the aqueduct. It has been sometime since you were out doing good as well as the odd maiden. The people have forgotten you, you must remind them again of your glory."

HercuBadger lowered his head in shame as the visions of the nymphs vanished from this dream along with the very comfortable pony harness. "You are right father. It has been a long time since last I waved my hair in the air during a particularly well choreographed fight sequence. What should I do to recapture my fame, glory and merchandising rights?" Asked HercuBadger as he again stood tall.

"You must complete 12 great feats of strength, glory, intelligence and honour," answered Erezeus.

'I'm screwed' thought HercuBadger to himself. "If that is how it must be then compete I shall. Must I tread this path alone or may I take along my merry companions," continued HercuBadger as he subtly didn't complete the sentence with the words ".....as fodder."

"Hell yes," grinned Erezeus, "you wouldn't stand a chance in HadOes otherwise. Don't forget that little chap who seems to do your thinking for you and get him a shirt before he dies of a cold or something," said Erezeus as he faded from this dream.

"Step mummy put you up to this didn't she?" Asked HercuBadger pointedly to the spot where the father of the Gehods had just stood.

Erezeus snapped back into view with a frown on his bearded face. "Come on son, be a sport. I have these needs you see. You can understand that. Your step mum has been a little unreasonable ever since you've been bad mouthing her across the world. It's not as easy as it used to be. Times ago I could just turn into a golden rain shower or a farm animal. Before you could say liberal civilisation I'd be on the right side of a blouse full of goodies and a happy Gehod. Now all I can manage is a golden shower of perspiration and maybe a bit of furniture if I really strain myself. I'm sleeping on the cloud tonight if you don't play along with Parrhera's plan. Be a dutiful son or I'll publish some baby photos in a trashy women's magazine."

Erezeus vanished once more in time for HercuBadger to awake from the dream. "Oh shit," mumbled HercuBadger as he greeted the new day.
"How am I supposed to know what tasks to complete?" Asked HercuBadger as he woke the snoring Handelolis. At that very moment Spookulus arrived on the scene with a parchment in hand. Unrolling the paper Spookulus read out aloud (mainly for HercuBadger's benefit than any form of overt melodrama).

"And so, it shall be, that on this sunny day. Before the witnesses of the Gehod's. That HercuBadger shall undertake, in the form of tasks numbering 12, a number of set goals to prove his worth. These tasks shall, and not be undervalued as such, prove his qualities of honour, glory, bravery, intelligence, physical might and all out heroic qualifications." Intoned Spookulus.

"Being paid by the word eh Spooky?" Asked Handelolis as he desperately attempted to remain awake during this speech.

"Get to the point before I make a unkind comment about that skirt you're wearing," threatened HercuBadger as he pointed at Spookulus' toga.

With a bead of sweat running down his chin Spookulus flipped over a few pages and continued. "Etc etc and etc so on and so forth. HercuBadger's first task shall be to journey to the city of Panam. There he shall attempt to be present at a Wedding while remaining sober AND single by the receptions end." With that Spookulus bowed to the crowd and fled as fast as his horse would allow.

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Panam was a built in the valley between two large polystyrene mountain ranges. HercuBadger had last been here 10 years before with Handelolis in tow. After a great combat involving the warrior princess XeMEna as well they had defeated the nest of badly animated stop motion monsters without really breaking out a sweat. While this was true that broke many a keg of different poisons that night, all on the villagers expense.

As they entered the city HercuBadger turned a bright red as he saw the large number of golden haired youngsters running around in the fields outside. All seemed to be around a decade old by some coincidence. Handelolis nearly fell out of his saddle in amusement when he noticed that each golden haired child was being followed by a small kid with a suspicious amount of facial hair. "Hurry it along Hercy, we don't have all day you know," muttered Handelolis.

The wedding was between one of HercuBadger's third cousins thrice removed. It seemed that a few generations ago Erezeus had visited this place in the form of a golden bidet and one thing came to another, nine months later another demiGehod was born. The blood had thinned by this point but family is still family.

HercuBadger was sweating inside his leather straps as he thought of the prospect of standing through an entire wedding with out the comforting buffer of being completely piss faced at the time.

"Don't worry HercuBadger. I'll stand by you and remain sober also as I'm that kind of team spirit guy," declared Handelolis. "No I'm not, just kidding. Learn to laugh a bit will you Hercy. See you later, I've spotted the beer tent."

HercuBadger said words a demiGehod really shouldn't say around impressionable young minds before trying to find a spot where he could witness the wedding without seeing the bride, bridal party or in fact anything in a dress that looked at all available. As his luck would have it the one tent he wandered into was where the bridal party was getting dressed.

"Oooooh HercuBadger! Could you give me hand over here for a minute?" Asked one lovely.

"I'll have the other hand if it's free?" Giggled another vision of beauty.

HercuBadger nearly chocked upon his own tongue as it attempted to escape his mouth into the promise of a better land. Stumbling over everything in his path HercuBadger escaped the tent with his leather straps all in the same place they were when he entered. Glowing a bright red HercuBadger spared no time in throwing himself into a horses' trough to cool off. After the steam had dissipated and HercuBadger could be seen standing again with out looking like he had the Washington monument in his trouser pocket. He again took his place in full view of the wedding ceremony.

The ceremony took place without delay. A moments loss of composure occurred when the bride removed her garter but HercuBadger restored his cool by glancing at a photograph being held some what unsteadily by Handelolis. This photo was taken at the Gehod Health Spa and Rodeo Bandito Ranch and involved the not so lovely at that time Parrhera in a mudpack, chocolate combination after the famous 'Gehodess eats her own weight in junk food, seven times' episode. HercuBadger suppressed a shudder and resisted the mental urge to look around for a harpoon. By the time his stomach had settled again the wedding was over. The bridesmaids had all left HercuBadger alone as during that time he'd looked greener then a Kermit the frog look a like reunion. HercuBadger sighed in relief at having completed his first task. Now if only he could find out what happened to Handelolis, that industrial sized tub of butter, those bridesmaids and that cart horse?

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The second task