The Sandmalks

Shadowselves

Part Two: Calamities and Cluelessness

by Handel W. Care

Almost a province unto itself, the vast meeting room of Erehwon stretched an inconsequentially massive distance away from the door. Weapons and a preponderance of masks graced the unsettlingly solid walls, shifting positions each time a watcher looked at them. Despite the imponderable variability of the space inside the room the harmonics were excellent, allowing voices to carry from any place in it to another with little effort.
"Slacking off again, eh brother?"
The Ticktockman did not look up from his board - it would have been a fairly hollow gesture, after all. "You, as they say, would hardly be the one to talk, HandeL."
"Just practising what I symbolise, you know that, Ticktock."
"IndeeD. The destruction of brain cellS. Well, each to their owN." Slowly and deliberately he moved a rook into position and managed to look quietly smug without actually making any obvious facial movements whatsoever. The abilities of the Endless are manifold. "Checkmate, I believE," he observed to the woman opposite him.
"You got me, that's for sure," replied Mercari with a sigh. "Good game though."
"YeS. Fate is fickle, but destiny is a constant, one could saY."
"Only if one wanted to careen very close to copyright infringement," added a gravelly voice from approximately table level.
The Ticktockman shifted imperceptibly in his chair. "BadgeR. How... pleasanT."
"What, you couldn't tell from the smell?"
"I thought that was your beard, HandeL."
There was a thumping from beneath the burnished mahogany table as Badger's subsequent laughing fit caused him to bang his head. Since his position had also been given away, further merriment was caused as Anna grabbed a pole arm from the wall and used it to flush out the large mustelid from his place of concealment.
"Bloody terrorist," she swore. "You tried that wet nose trick last time. Never again!"
"Oh, come on. You enjoyed it," snuffled Badger, his eyes glinting impudently as he poked his head over the opposite side of the table.
"Enjoying yourselves children," questioned a mellifluous voice ripe with undercurrents of sexuality. Elfkin posed just inside the door, enchanting eyes sifting over the growing crowd even as the mist of elf's cigarette swept out in the air, physical counterpoint to elf's palpable presence.
"As always," grinned Handel. His eyes shifted to the crowd behind his refined sister/brother. "I see that we have quite a gathering. Seats everybody!"
Bere took her place between the stiff backed Alex and the slight, elfin Riahanna and looked over the large group. As the first woman and in some manner all women she was well suited to giving piercing insight into whatever the purpose of this meeting was. It also meant that she could kill with a word, know things hidden in the minds of the most private of men and be several times more terrifying than the hordes of Hell. Thankfully she was in one of her more generous moods for the time being and was unlikely cause any severe physical or psychological problems to the males beneath Erehwon's roof just now. Across from her Alik and the freshly clothed and healed Bob were cautiously smiling back at their mother. She just hoped that they were going to behave. One psychotic and one stuttering imbecile? It was enough to cause her to cringe sometimes. Bloody apples, it was all their damn fault!
The Anomalies cleared their throats and began talking in alternate sequences, a trick they always liked to pull at parties and whenever they felt the need to impress, which was, admittedly, most of the time. "I'm sure you're all wondering why we have brought you here this evening," Anna began.
"Sounds like a murder mystery to me," muttered Teo to Maliki beside him.
"We can but hope," the dark spectacled man replied softly.
"{I suspect it was Miss Scarlet in the Library with the candlestick,}" said Erehwon quietly, catching the edge of their conversation.
Alex raised an eyebrow at his lord. "I haven't had any scarlet women in there. Killers or otherwise."
"Yes yes. We all know what you have had in there," came a louder, somewhat directionless voice. Handel looked down at the side of his chair and grinned broadly before catching himself and making a studied look of innocence at the table in general.
"eww. grotty," said the fiend, not because he had any idea what was going on, but because it was the sort of thing he randomly interspersed into conversation.
There were a few chuckles and a scattering of "Ook. Ook." comments. Alex's usually pale face gained a distinct colouring as the blood rushed to his cheeks, but he held his tongue.
"Yes. Well. Back to business," said Mercari. On either side of her Anna and Day had their elbows up on the table and hands shading their faces, obviously realising that this wasn't going to be easy... or so it seemed at first. Anna's hands were covering her ears, Day's were over her mouth and then for a moment Mercari passed her hand over her eyes. All three sniggered.
Alex muttered something that had Parr looking at him stonily for the next few minutes.
"So you summoned us here then, Ladies," Teo courteously asked. "For what purpose, if I might be so bold?"
"Yes," asserted Amaya, having used up the bulk of her capability to sit still without speaking. "And what do you mean 'summoned' us? I was here on a planned business trip with the Lord Shaper here." She gestured towards Erehwon with one lace ruffled hand, not noting the slightly wild eyed aspect Teo and Riahanna got as their queen began to work her monologue around to the benefits of trade with the Faerie realm. Sighing, they passed pamphlets down the length of the table and looked apologetically at their host.

Going out amongst others is always an experience both regretted and longed for by Hazel. It has been too long since she was with her brothers and sisters. Moments such as these are precious to her - the barely suppressed mirth on Handel's face; the studied indifference of Ticktock's mien; Parr's gentle eyes soaking up the interactions, glorying in just being; the divine perfection of Elfkin beside the glaringly bright misfit that is the fiend and the quiet watching of Erehwon. She feels the growing despondency of the Anomalies as their repeated attempts to get things back on track fail. Amusing and sad. Their pain is her own. Actually, it is - doesn't the woman ever shut up?

Amhorach held what coud arguably called his chin in his hands and let his mind and gaze drift. Alex appeared to have recovered his good humour and was furtively reading a book. Lord Erehwon looked just the same as usual, sitting alongside his siblings. Of them only the Ticktockman seemed to be doing anything out of the ordinary. He had just turned a page in his book and then hurriedly ducked beneath the table.
"Hey there Ticky. I wouldn't try it if I were you, they've already kicked me once." Badger's coarse voice cut cleanly across the stream of words above table.
The thunderous detonation that followed deafened everyone momentarily. Remarkably, it was not directed at the whining mustelid.
Rather than stick his head up again the Ticktockman simply read from his book to discover what was occurring above decks.
Surprisingly little real damage had befallen those gathered about the table. Hairstyles and clothing had taken something of a battering, however, with the three Fae - Amaya, Teo and Riahanna - in a state of extreme shock thereby. Many clouds have silver linings. A profusion of wood chips, plaster and some stonework had erupted from one wall and sprayed across the chamber.
"Shit. Guess who's gonna be cleaning up this mess," commented Amhorach to Mickey as he picked splinters out of his head.
"Whoa. So it wasn't just me then? Good." The raven cast a bleary eye over the rest of the assemblage. "Haven't seen this kind of havoc since.. Hmm."
Handel suddenly felt the weight of many eyes on him.
"What? What? I'm the good one."
"Mmhmm. Sure you are, lord of destruction," said Alik, eyes intent and accusing.
"I was just sitting here, minding my own business!"
"And your business does, of course, include acts of terrorism like this."
Looking a bit shifty eyed, Handel continued to object. "One report of a bearded Arab terrorist with a giant badger and everyone thinks I have something to do with it? What kind of justice is that? Anyway, it's my job, I don't take it home with me."
"Yes, but this isn't your home," added Alik pedantically.
"No one likes a smartarse, son," chided Bere.
Alik growled and surreptitiously inserted a thin knife into Bob's left ear for chuckling at their mother's comment; then wiggled it around to cause a grand show of death spasms before whipping the weapon away behind his back. "Ick," he said in a tone that threatened to proceed into the worst kind of melodrama. "He's haemorrhaging again, and all over me! Spiteful bastard! This blood is hell to shift!"
Unattended, Bob's body slipped beneath the table, expunging Delight from a pocket. The small gargoyle let out a disconsolate "Eep", then wandered across the floor towards the hole leading to the centre of the explosion, the library. It was getting quite crowded down there, what with the Ticktockman reading, Badger trying to glance over his shoulder, the three Fae slumped down due to shock and the more usual collection of limbs.

Erehwon sat looking thoughtfully at his Librarian as the conversation drifted and flowed about him. Even straighter backed than usual, Alex had done little since the unexpected interruption to events except stare in horrified fascination at the small section of the Library he could see through the damaged wall. He was obviously in need of a lie down.
"{Enough.}"
Eddies of imagination gathered about the Dream King and swept him away. A mountain top, created at the speed of thought, crumbling away from the ground up. Temporary perch but sufficient for the time being. Dark eyes glared out across the realm and espied the interloper, striding away from his present position. Relativity's tenuous hold relaxed as ordered and the giant found itself next to a man of slender build standing on a thin edge of grass hovering at eye level.
"{This is my domain. Those who break its rules must answer to me.}"
"Piss off, shorty."

Trained by years of incessant comments from one source in particular, Handel jerked his head around. "Did you say something, Badger?"

The ground shifted beneath the giant's feet. He looked down to see that he was now standing on a hand. Pitiless black orbs peered at him from miles above and a soft but thunderous voice spoke.
"{You were saying?}"
"why are you talking like that, ere," came a voice from behind him.
Erehwon cringed slightly at the sound of fiend's voice. Try to get away and be impressive and your family just has to follow you like a ... a bad smell. The boy really needed to upgrade his personal hygiene at some stage.
"{I am occupied, fiend.}"
"you know. the little squigglies around your words," continued fiend, oblivious to any social embarrassment he might be inflicting upon his brother.
Clenching his hands in an attempt to control his reaction, Erehwon turned to face the fiend. "{Yes, I know. Just like the lack of capitalisation in yours. Try to remember it for once, would you?}"
"i have no idea what you're talking about," replied the fiend with a hurt look on his face, making him resemble nothing so much as a large, sad, teddy bear in need of a hug and a decent haircut. "ooo. why is your hand dripping, ere?"
It must have been a frost giant. There was ice water running out of Erehwon's white knuckled fist. So much for question time.
"{Oh... damn.}"

"An ice giant, huh, Ere? Well, that sort of suits. It was a bloody huge chunk of ice that fell on the library there. Well, more of a slushy, actually. Rasberry flavoured too. Anyway, the roof's caved in and the shelves have mostly been destroyed. There's water everywhere. Lots of ruined books too. I'm afraid that your Librarian went into conniptions and had to be dealt with in a medical fashion."
Erehwon looked at his brother questioningly. "{A medical fashion?}"
"YeS. Too bad that Alex let on that he was a teetotaller and refused the drinK."
"You really didn't need to hit him that hard, Handel," said Parr admonishingly. "It's his own choice, he doesn't have to drink if he doesn't want to."
Handel cringed before his sister, looking, strangely, not particularly ridiculous despite the disparate heights of the two. The woman's slender form and outstretched finger came across as far more terrible than the burly male standing before her, which was, of course normal, but there was a little more to it than that; being the anthropomorphic representation of death gave Parr a slight advantage over other women in this area.
"We had to calm him down somehow, Parr, he was distraught," whinged the man.
"For shame, you should remember that not everyone is built like a brick... a brick.."
"Shithouse, Parr."
It was Parr's turn to cringe. Taking the moment's reprieve to look about him, Handel was horrified to see that Erehwon, Ticktockman, Elfkin and the others had scuttled off to leave him alone with their sister.
"Bastards!"
"What?"
He wildly swung his eyes back around to the diminutive form glaring up at him. Things were not looking good.

Back in the meeting hall the minds of the participants had been somewhat concentrated by recent events.
"Since no one but the Anomalies and the Ticktockman knew we were all going to meet here, who could have known enough to call an 'attack' of this fashion," questioned Teo, flinging his long hair back in a distinctly poncy fashion and trying to catch the eyes of all the ladies. He shuddered at the thought of the amount of damage that raspberry slushy would have done to his flaxen locks and fine clothing.
"And who would have failed so dramatically? Unless they really were after either the library or intending to cause Alex to have a heart attack," added Amhorach, who had decided that he'd let the books dry out on their own until Alex recovered enough to order him to do otherwise. Only mugs volunteered, after all.
"As to the first question, I'm afraid that we have the answer to 'how'," said Day with an embarrassed glance she shared with her sisters.
"Our duties mean that we have to be aware of things going on everywhere - important dates coming up, deaths and births so that we can show up and be mysterious, that sort of thing," carried on Mercari.
"Only one of these lug heads went and left our notes out in the open and some sneaky, two faced son of a gristle miller stole them," finished Anna. "So now we're having to work off memory. Especially since the Ticktockman won't give us any hints from his book."
"I'm not alloweD," said the Ticktockman, looking slightly smug. "You know the RuleS."
"Yeah yeah yeah," said the three Anomalies with a disgusted look. "One day you'll want a favour off us and then the shoe will be on the other foot."
"NeverthelesS." The Ticktockman folded his arms over his book and hugged it to his chest. His sightless gaze seemed to fix apologetically on Erehwon, as if he were addressing his brother rather than the three woman. "Them's the breakS. SorrY."
"maybe the giant was just a very bad shot," said the fiend. "they're not noted for their intelligence, you know. i imagine that they were told to drop the ice on us rather than the library and got confused. could be that there was a signal of something from the library. is that a possibility?"
"Yes fiend, very good," said Bere, patting him and realising from past experience that anything the man said was of little use. Pausing, she mulled over his words and was impressed at the fact that they were more than a mere soundbite to gain attention, and showed no presence of even the slightest sexual allusions. Others were coming to a similarly astounding conclusion.
"So that's why we keep him around," mumbled Badger to himself, nodding. "Still, I'm not sure it's worth the amount of outlay for that much profit."
"He could be right," said Maliki lazily. "There was that annoying little Thing in there not long ago. Is he here now? He was meant to be with the Fae wasn't he?"
"Oh, he nipped out for a call of supernature a bit before...." began Mickey. "Hmm. A bit before the ice came through the roof. "
"Who better to steal from the Anomalies," said Riahanna quietly. "He has always prided himself as a thief unparalleled." Blinking her glorious elven eyes up at the gathering around her and pushing a strand of brown hair out of her face, she continued. "But the Thing is merely a trickster, he would never have had the gall to carry out such acts on his own."
"Eep," said Delight from down by her feet. The elven girl lifted up the gargoyle, to find it wet footed from its travels in the library. In Delight's mouth were two white hairs, one plain as day, the other strangely insubstantial.
"Interesting," said Elfkin, taking the hairs from the creature. Elf's arm brushed across Riahanna's hand as she did so, sending a thrill of raw passion through the girl and setting her blood to throbbing. Smiling for elf's own reasons, the enchanting entity held the two white objects up to the light for all to see.
"Think now. Who is given to knowledge and the causing of embarrassment to others? Who has a hold over ice and snow and the products thereby gained?"
No one made a sound. Elfkin raised a perfect eyebrow and made a long suffering face.
"Okay then, who hangs around with two dogs, one alive, the other a ghost, and hasn't got files of his own that he has a great deal of information in?"
"Um, Handel? No, wait, he only has Badger, and he's not really very insubstantial," said Hazel.
"Or particularly alive before he gets his coffee in the mornings," added Mickey. "Believe me. Not a pretty sight."
"No change there, then," grinned Amhorach.
Elfkin groaned, but it was throaty and low, so no one actually realised that it was anything more than a pleasantly exciting sound rather than the sign of annoyance that it was supposed to be.
"Eep," said Delight again, holding up one paw.
"Look, there's something else," said Riahanna, who was feeling a little weak kneed by this stage of the proceedings. "It's a note!"
Teo took the piece of damp paper from his sister and unfolded it. Running his hand through his hair and standing in the correct position for public speaking, which caused a few muffled comments about the fit of his trousers, he cleared his throat dramatically. "Wha?"
"Well go on, fancy pants," said Badger. "What does it say?"
Looking non plussed, Teo cleared his throat again. "Muahahahahaha," he said.
"What's that, vocal exercises," asked Alik.
"No, that's what it says."
"Oh, it's Spooke then," Amhorach said matter of factly.
"What? You get all that from a laugh and didn't get it from the hairs and my clues," asked Elfkin, amazed.
"Those were clues?" Badger looked surprised. "Why didn't you just say that the Norse god of mischief was being an arsehole again?"
Elfkin pouted, prettily.
"{To action. Firstly - Maliki, find the Thing and bring him to me. He shall be questioned as soon as it is possible. In the meantime those who are so inclined may come with me to meet with Spooke in his lair. The way will no doubt be fraught with peril, and not easy, by any means.}"
Maliki nodded and strolled out of the room, leaving the master and the others to their talking. With the hunt on he now had a bearing of purpose usually not seen in his every action. Crouching low on the floor outside the door his senses picked up the signs of the Thing's passage, distinguishing them easily from those of others there. That aftershave was really bargain basement stuff. He sneezed and sped away. 

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Part Three

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