The Barfight
A Conglomerate of Mayhem involving:
- JoN dOE
- Erehwon
- Grand Spooke Malke with Spitz and Alex
- Reverend Omnicynic with Esteban
- Sammy
- Santiago
- Tepes
- Handel W. Care
- and various others from the Malkavian Madness Network, who I missed 'cause I'm lazy.
Foully edited, scraped together and missing bits that he lost by Handel W.Care.
Scene: A BAR? where the newly arrived Sammy has just broken free of the predatory grasps of Nightshade, Minarae and Handel. Sammy dances away from the others present singing happily, despite the ankle and foot left in Handel's grasp.
JoN, seeing someone run away, which he doesn't like, uses a tad of Celerity to catch up. "SIT STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouts. WHACK (Yes you know the sound, Sammy's down and JoN hit 'im.) "Now....as I was saying....HI."
Erehwon steps out of the shadows. He glares at JoN, Ventrue-like. "JoN, while I feel that you are probably the most worthwile contributor to the list at this point, you really can't abuse the newbies. You know the drill. If he doesn't want to listen to you, you can't make him." He turns to Sammy with a quick, practiced motion, causing his black overcoat to swirl around him. "However, I would very much advise that you pay careful attention to JoN's verbalizations. He has much to say,"
"No I don't," mumbles JoN.
Erehwon continues: "and despite the fact that he's one of those utterly evil and heartless Sabbat people, he's one of the smartest Malkavians I know. You would do well to heed his speech." He looks down at Handel. "You might be in competition, were it not for the fact that you have portaken of the dark blue bottles. However, you may still be..." Erehwon shakes his head. "Nevermind. I'm out of here." After which, he promptly returns to the shadows and disappears.
Handel wipes chip crumbs off his shoulder and looks up. "Wha? I put them back. How was I supposed to know you'd be keeping them in there? Does it really matter if the colour is starting to run?"
Something else hits him - figuratively, for the moment. "In compe. . . with . . . " He looks very nervous and moves slowly back towards the bar, bottle in hand.
JoN glances at the paranoid looking Handel."Hmm," he says, "I wonder where Zeke was."
JoN helps Sammy up and taps on his shoulder. "There ya go lad, and don't mind what he said about the Sabbat, it's only partially true.I may be utterly evil, but far from heartless. I'm actually quite pleased to meet someone with spunk here, quite refreshing if I may say so, pleased to meet you Sammy, hope you guessed my name...."
Spooke suddenly screams, "AAARG!! HE'S ONE A THEM SMURFS!! Don't listen to him anyone, he's one of the Smurfs For World Domination!! He's a Tremere plot!! Stop him!!" Spooke grabs a foot lying nearby and lobs it at Sammy.
Seeing Spooke chucking said foot in the direction of Sammy and JoN, Handel once again falls over the bar in his rush to hide behind it.
"A SMURF?????!!???!!!!!!!!!!?????? AAAAaaaaaarrrghhh! RUN!" JoN runs off, jumps behind the bar, pulls out his trusty Beretta from his longcoat, and randomly blasts away. BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!
BLAM!BLAM!Suddenly brightness floods the room as a blindingly clad figure appears. He is clad in late 16th century clothing crafted from the most garish colors imaginable. The hues constantly shift amoung the various neons (blue,yellow, green, orange, etc.) As their eyes attempt to adjust to the glare, he bows and speaks.
"Look out!!! It's gonna speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" warns Reverend Omnicynic.
"Greetings unto thee, my lords and ladies," says the stranger, "I am Santiago. I have recently arisen unto this strange new time and seek aid and guidance from those who know it well."
"Then what in the nine hells are you doing here ?" asks the Rev.
Santiago spins and promptly knocks himself down with one of the rusted manacles attached to his wrists. "Owwwww," he says moaning and clutching his head.
"Hmmm...stupid and clumsy," muses the Rev., "Say, just for research purposes, what generation are you? Not like me and JoN have any ideas or anything. Oh, also, are you bulletproof? That might be important shortly."
"YYYYYEEEESSS!!! I'm not the newest newbie here!!!! That means that it's time to...JUMP ON SANTIAGO!!!!" Sammy takes a flying cannonball leap directly onto the still moaning Santiago. "Doesn't Santiago mean Saint Jacob or something like that? Oh well. HEY EVERYONE!! PILE ON!! SANTIAGO IS GREAT FOR BREAKING A FALL!!!"
From a corner rises maniacal laughing, soon delving into the realms of mad, unceasing laughter. Anyone who looks sees Erehwon doubled over, laughing uncontrollably. He stands up, wipes a tear from his eye, and declares, "Now, this is good." At which point he falls to the floor laughing again.
Meanwhile, Handel reopens his bottle, after checking that it is indeed liquid inside. "Blessed alcohol, how it eases the pain. Not supposed to get violent until the booze runs out," he mumbles.
"GIMME A SLUG!!!" demands JoN. He raises his pistol again: BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!
BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!
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BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!"Here," says Handel as he hands over the bottle. "Geez that thing is loud. Are you using explosive silver rounds or something? Nah, wait. Smurfs are faerie types,aren't they. . ." He sniffs the air, where rum and cordite mix to form a heady boquet. A look comes over him.
From beyond the bar, Tepes answers the query: "Jon's using cold steel bullets. They're too tough to explode unless you fill em with something." He ducks as Jon points the gun his way.
There is a rasping noise as Handel draws his sabre.
Tepes sees this. "Wow! I thought I was the only one with a blade!" He pulls out his Swiss Army knife.
Handel stands, and in a voice slowly raising in volume says, "Come an' get it you blue skinned freaks! Taste some good spanish steel! All hands on decks. Prepare to REPEL BOARDERS! I'm not leavin this BAR to YOUR tender mercies. SMURFBERRY JUICE MY CODLINGS. YOU'RE DEAD SEA SCUM!!!"
"No!!! Not that!" Tepes ducks and hides, pulling as many of the very marketable smurfs with him as he can.
There is a definite smell of overproof rum in the air, JoN, if he turns, will see almost palpable fumes rising from the pores on Handel's open skin - one stray spark could do it.
"Damned lush..." Tepes noshes smurfs, feeding on faery blood until gorged.
Handel appears to have lost all cognitive faculties as he yells: "WAAAAAARRRGHHH!!!!" Swipe, swipe.
Tepes continues his repast: "MMMMMMMMM!!" Slurp, slurp
JoN's still shootin' smurfs. "Get the black ones! If they bite yer butt yer a goner!!!" *BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*
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BLAM!JoN pauses to reload.
Handel takes advantage of the respite to walk through the bar with a great smashing of timbers and wades into the Smurfs on the right, keeping a hopeful eye out for any black ones. "I'll take the right." He starts kicking tables across the room to see what's hiding beneath.
LOTS of chip crumbs start falling everywhere, accompanied with choking laugh-sounds from the darkness of the rafters.
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*
BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*- Lunge
- BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!- Slash
- BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!- Slice
- BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*- Maim
- BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!- Puree
- BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!
*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!- Shishkabarb
A stray ricochet smashes into a chandelier, narrowly missing Spooke, there is a shower of incandesence as it pulls away from its electrical cord. Some of this passes through Handel's overproof nimbus - he bursts into eerie pale blue flames, but seems unfazed.
Around a feral grin he snarls: "Die and fry, you little spuggers!
"AUG!!" Chips fly everywhere as Spooke leaps for dear unlife - woohoo, swing by the chandelier... which is... no... longer... attached-
KRONSJ
A black smurf, about to cowardly pearl harbour Handel, catches alight like a roman candle. Handel carries on, oblivious, leaving charred footprints in his wake.
Rev. Omnicynic turns towards Esteban (who is still Obfuscated), and says, "This is why they don't let kids your age into bars late at night."
Spooke leaps from behind the bar with a bucket of ice. "Don't worry Handel, I'll save you!!" He heaves the bucket of solid ice at Handel. "...oops. Mmm Spitz, get something else to pour on Handel. Alex, get the poor guy a drink... he's gonna want it when he wakes up..."
JoN leaps up on a table and enters a state of semi blood-lust frenzy thing,he pulls out another pistol, and repeats the world famous loft scene from the crow, *BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*BLAM!*
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BLAM!*BLAM! mowing down Ere, Handel, Jeanette, Santiago, and anyone nearby.They all strangely stand there and take it, then fall down.
Rev. Omnicynic stands protectively in front of Esteban, bullets dropping to the floor about 3 inches in front of him.
Once he empties his clips, JoN summersaults . . .
(Mysteriously fast speed metal music occurs throughout this scene. The music comes from Rev. O, who has a guitar in his hands, which is being played with great Celerity.)
. . . and lands on the bar, he reaches under, grabs the two katana and leaps back into the frey, slashing up anyone who avoided his bullets.
"Hey!! Those are my katanas!!" yells Spooke.
JoN continues: *slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**
slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**
slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**
slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**slash**
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slash**slash**slash* then, he throws the Swords away."Arrrrhhgg. Gurgle." comes from Spooke, downed on the floor.
JoN grabs the glass full of pencils near the cash register and starts staking everyone a la 'From dusk 'til dawn'.
In sotto voice to the others Handel queries,"They're very good likenesses. Who did them? Most I can do with Rummery is DT's, an' they generally don't appear to more than one person at a time." He looks very hard at Ere, Jeanette, Santiago, Tepes & the other obfuscated Malks.
JoN carries on: *stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake*
*stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake**stake* "Huh huh huh....... Oooooops. Sorry y'all..." JoN removes the staking pencils."You staked my guitar..." says Rev. Omnicynic, with a frown. "See Esteban? That's why I left the Sabbat."
"Forget those, get these damn things out of me!!" gurgles Spooke.
The 'bodies' fade out as the malks fade in.
"That's okay JoN. Good show. " Handel smiles. "I think we got the Smurfs."
"AUGH!! Handel, I APOLOGIZED already!! HELP!! aaaarrrrhh!! anybody?? ...hello??" comes from Spooke.
"Did someone hear something?" says Handel.
"If somebody doesn't let me up in the next minute, I'm going to steal all the Thrill Kill Kult CDs in the world and store them in inconvenient places" continues Spooke.
Handel looks around big time. "Over here, I think." He reaches Spooke and s m i l e s, "Heyyyyyyy buddy!", then helps him up and out of his present predicament.
Glug
"Have a drink. There's plenty of ice around, I found it in the back of my head, down my shirt and in my pockets . . . would you believe. " He looks vaguely puzzled and heads towards the remains of the bar.
