Drinking

by Mr Badger

There has been a fair bit of confusion shown by some referring to alcohol and its consumption. There are a number of reasons for drinking and some of them are even reasonable.

1) Company

Some person who was very wise once said that "I drink to make other people more interesting." The softening effect of alcohol can make even the most annoying person tolerable and even the most boring, repeated story new and exciting. It's so much easier to drift off in one's own mind but appear to be focused on your surroundings when drunk. Failing that you can just ignore people and get away with it because "I was drunk at the time."

2) Shield

When you're sitting at a party/pub and that interesting female over the way gives you a look and a smile the very first thing you do is get shit face before you don something stupid, like talk to her. Alcohol gives you a convenient wall against all things which may or may not upset you. Being too 'chemically disadvantaged' to walk is a good excuse in one's own mind to avoid making the first step. The down side of this is that the female may make the first step as it were and you're so far behind in the thinking stakes you miss it entirely. This can lead to you being called 'a bastard.'

3) Balance

Pubs and parties can violate the physical laws. Just by entering a pub you are under an entirely different gravity field to that outside. To counteract this effect men need to be carrying a glass of substitute in the form of an alcoholic beverage. With this in hand it is possible to navigate once more in a reasonable manner. Being very volatile under normal conditions this beverage must be consumed and replaced at regular (more regular as time goes on) intervals. Without a beverage in hand some men find it impossible to relate to their physical surroundings and end up walking in circles. Upon leaving the pub one finds themself again under unfamiliar conditions as the person in question has become acclimatised with those found within the pub. As carrying a beverage down the road is socially unacceptable in some countries and drinking on the run is hazardous to one's eyes as well as wasteful it is just as well there is an alternative to being 'beached' outside the pub. This alternative is to have a pocket full of small change to weigh down one of your legs. With this counter weight in place it is safe to navigate back to one's dwelling.

4) Brains

Being men our brains are very closely linked to our libidos. In order to make sure the libido doesn't endanger our limited but very real sense of free will we drink to keep this part of the thinking process under control. As can be seen, sometimes prolonged exposure to being sober makes some people consider relations with the other sex more often then can be considered safe. The rapid application of an alcoholic product can dilute this desire and return oneself to being a valuable member of society once more. The last thing we need in this world is have men think more often, I hate even to consider it.

5) Taste

People are always saying that beer tastes awful. Rubbish I say. After a few ales not only does it taste divine but also one can switch from beer to virtually any other beverage and still think it is a lovely drop that should obviously be shared by one and all. This can lead to adverse affects such as drinking cooking sherry as well as wondering if meths is all that bad?

6) Hangovers

Hangovers are just great. There is no better way to feel more sorry for one's self than to be under a force nine hangover. There is no other feeling of being alive than to be wishing otherwise as your head tries to physically swap location with your stomach - which strangely enough feels like it not only agrees but is half way there already. A hangover is a great way to met new people as you all sit inside a darkened room muttering about 'never doing this again' knowing full well you'll all be there in less then a week's time.

7) Vomiting

One of the more important parts of the drinking culture is the vomit. Known as blowing chunks or the technicolour yawn this is a means for the stomach to show minor disagreement with what the brain had considered a good time. This can occur during the evening, in the middle of sleep or at any point the next day depending on how much was had to drink and the frailty of the person involved. Vomiting is a wonderful method of examining what one has been eating that day. That and the delightful process of digestion in all of the major stages. One thing that is certain is no matter what you've been eating your stomach will exhume diced carrots. Some people blame the Carrot Fairy but I believe that is what your appendix is really for. Even those people who have their appendix removed notice this effect as another part of the body takes over the vitally important role. Vomiting is a great way of meeting people at their best. Not only are all social obligations waived for a time but there is very little you can hide when you're showing your stomach contents to the world at large.

8) Economics

Drinking is a wonderful way of getting rid of all that excess income you might have before you do anything stupid like saving it. Drinking is expensive and all most certainly you will have nothing to show for it afterwards. Except, that is, tissue damage and the possibility of a social disease. Depending on what State you have been drinking in the latter may indeed include a spouse. I've not found a better way of going out with a pocket full of cash and waking up with not only empty pockets (except the life saving mound of small change) and Automatic teller receipts to show you've spent even more than you thought.

That's just a brief insight into the world of drinking. To be more accurate I should have been drunk when writing this but life can't always be fair.