A Coffee Rant

by Mr Badger

"Death is to good for them if you ask me. They all need a bloody good sort out and a kick in the bollocks if they think they can get away with that sort of carry on in public. People like that are just asking for a red hot poker where it'll really help them. If we all did that it'll be no surprise when it all goes tits up in the end," growled Mr Badger.

"It's a cafe Badger, they're allowed to drink tea if they want to," sighed Handel to no-one in particular.

"Not if I have anything to do with it," mumbled Badger as he ordered another of his vice. "I want it hot, hotter then a really hot day in Hades when the air conditioner is playing up. I want it strong, so strong there'll be members of the EPA trying to arrest me before I finish the cup. I want it even stronger then that so everytime I turn around there's Greenpeace picketing the kitchen so I can't get another. I want it to be even stronger than that so when I pour in the milk the soft sound of the milk screaming bloody torment reaches my ears. I want the sugar to spit my name as the last thing it does before falling sway to the soul destruction of my brew. I want a coffee so strong the Pope wakes up in a cold sweat just thinking about it. I want a coffee that glares at the people at the other tables and if left alone for more than a minute it'll be across the way biting someone's leg off. I want a coffee that not only keeps me awake but it'll rise elders from Torpor across the world and even Tremere himself will bolt upright and mumble the words 'Holy shit!' I want a coffee that'll summon Caine from his travels just to witness it's glory. I want a coffee that then make Caine not only buy the t-shirt to prove he was there but to then start to sell the souvenir pens to passersby. I want a coffee that'll make die hard tea drinkers drop dead in shock then rise again as even that sleep is denied them. I want a coffee that will sterilise children just by them walking past as it was drunk. I want a coffee that'll make Mr Wobbly jump up and shout about how great it is to be alive again. I want a coffee that'll make women lose their virginity just by hearing about it on the news. I want a coffee that'll have Bill Gates at my door trying to buy the rights so he can use the slow hissing of its breath as the opening sequence to Windows 2000 :Armageddon is just a mouse click away. I want a coffee that'll put the flesh back on the dinosaurs and strip it just as fast from bare skin if spilt. I want a coffee that isn't just a beverage but a member of a whole new arms race. I want a coffee that can only be shipped inside a case of pure Hard-to-obtainium. I want a coffee that'll bring small dirty Arab gentlemen to my door requesting its purchase. I want a coffee that causes the fall of nations, the death of thousands and the dawn of a new age, all before lunch time. I want a coffee that'll have the public renaming planets in its glory as well as six of the seven high seas. I want a coffee that is immune to the tides as well as precise air strikes. I want a coffee that'll have the Army shaking their heads in confusion as they try to make tanks out of it. I want a coffee that is not only immune to enemy Radar but hurts the eyes just to look at it. I want a coffee that is so black the void of space is considered to be a mid summers day in comparison. I want a coffee that isn't as much stirred as encouraged by soothing words. I want a coffee that can only be prepared by the deaths of sacrificial hamsters on a full moon as it's that nasty. I want a coffee that in history has had people burnt at the stake for even considering it. I want a coffee that when dropped would cause a disaster that could only be the bastard child of the China syndrome crossed with the sinking of Atlantis. I want a coffee that the consumption of brings forth the spontaneous growth of bodily organs never seen before by medical science just to let it urinate it out again. I want a coffee that is so abrasive on the tongue it feels like a mountain of small kittens are licking you to death from the inside. I want a coffee that isn't so much bad for as a bad idea for the entire human race in general. I want a coffee so strong it not only violates physical laws but could even get a lawyer to throw down their papers in disgust. I want a coffee that could bring a smile to an Accountant and then the truth to a politician's lips without thinking it too much. I want a coffee that brings fear to even a mother in law then eclipses the Sun as the solar object in questions flees in terror from the Demon of the Mug. I want a coffee that makes Great Old Ones give up their plans for dominating the world as a bad idea and go back to bed with a sigh. I want a coffee that not only oozes evil but ejaculates pure desire in a simile that only the fiend could say without grinning like a moron. I want a coffee that'll make Hagbutt go bald and Alex retro-evolve back into a simian in as many minutes it took to say it. I want a coffee that strikes Newbies down in a pillar of flame by will alone when they infringe on my freedom. I want a coffee that could end the world in a gigantic bottom burp as all the people of China are given flatulence at once, it'll be that evil. I want a coffee that isn't as much drunk as exorcised and I don't mean with aerobics. I want a coffee that can genetically cleanse people who wear flares after making them get a hair cut. I want a coffee that makes the IRS sound like nice guys. I want a coffee so charismatic it can get served at a Drive Through. I want a coffee that would be named one of the seven wonders of the world as well as the other six. I want a coffee that could conquer Europe in 80 days and that's including the three month holiday in Turkey getting to know the locals better. I want a coffee that could be used to pave roads. I want a coffee that could be fired through the Sun only to return better then ever, with a tan. I want a coffee that could be buried underneath a mountain and lost for a thousand years then dug up by a foolish band of adventurers only to have their throats torn out and their bollocks stomped on by the beverage in question for their trouble. I want a coffee that could not only last all night but would be drinking a beer and watching the rugby while it did it. I want a coffee that could be elected to the Senate after spending three years of campaigning without wearing any trousers. I want a coffee that could not only build Rome in a day but also all of the pyramids the right way up for a change. I want a coffee with more testosterone then the entire Russian Olympic team. I want a coffee that will be listed in the Dictionary as the definition of Death on a Stick. I want a coffee that could only be spoken of in hushed tones and then require many warding gestures by the speaker before they could continue. I want a coffee that could only be successfully immortalised by a gigantic pile of corpses with smiles on their faces. I want a coffee that could get a even a cat to pay attention to the matter at hand. Above all I want it now," drooled Mr Badger.

"You want fries with that?" Asked the waiter.