Rosemary's Badger

by Mr Badger

The Umbra was shadowed and darker then that seen by the Garou. Seen that is unless they're in the presence of Wyrm taint. Energy cracked from out to within then back again. Each time the strength of the pulse increased due to the journey but with each case the polarity reversed. The area of taint wasn't uninhabited by any means. Inside stood, if that word fits, a number of twisted individuals. Each was humanoid but with disturbing angles and features present. All faced toward the centre of an impromptu circle, inside of which was a tall gangly person. It was neither a man nor a women, nor a homosexual or one of those old ladies you see at the supermarket which defy gender description but you surely hope that it's a women under all those scarfs. This person had hands which were long and thin like tree branches but they possess wicked claws the like of which even a Gangral with testosterone problems couldn't muster without really straining a blood vessel. All were wearing long black robes with those little hood things that make you chuckle with a covered mouth while thinking of Jawas. Silence ruled this area, that was until the centre person spoke.

"I have been blessed with the will of our Dread Lord. Lord Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck has seen fit to endow his most worthy with his will. I have gathered you all here tonight to discuss our plans for the future," whispered the middle figure. Of course even the mostly lowly Cultist knows the word 'discuss' actually has the same definition as the word 'order' and the word 'coerce.' Discussion doesn't come into it unless you count the final begging for a merciful end if you should wish differently to your coven leader. This is the second lesson any Cultist learns if they turn their Avatar to the Dark Side of the Prime as it were. The first lesson is how to pronounce your Dread Lord (Lady) of choice. To be honest the Dread Deities choose for themselves who will and who won't make a good servant. Correspondingly, if you ignore the pun., they have very little patience for those who can't even get their names right. Blessed (apparently) are those who are chosen by the Dread Lady Gloria and less then fortunate are those who get someone like Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck. The more gifted Mages use their Spheres to aid them in the struggle for correct pronunciation. The use of the Mind Sphere can give ones memory a kick in the pants when needed and who can go past Entropy to get it right by sheer 'chance.' The more advanced use Correspondence to let their tongues be in many places at once without injury or Life to allow contortions Heidi Vess would only dream of and heal the damage afterwards.

"The child we have been waiting for, the one who will lead us all to the glories of Ascension, even those who call us nasty names when they pass us in the street for no good reason. This child was to be the materialised Avatar of our Dread Lord Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck. Word has come, all praise Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck, that this child was born over 150 years ago!" Exclaimed the Head Cultist.

"Well that's us buggered then isn't it? How long till the next one comes along?" Asked one of the other gathered Coven.

With a scathing look the Head Cultist continued. "Yes, one not privy to will of our Dread Lord would think that. Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck, may he be praised, has told me that the chosen one has been taken as a Child of Caine. He waits us still to awaken him to the wonders of Magick. All we need do is get the Vampire to drink from the Tea of Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck and he will be ready to be a fitting chariot for Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck. Here is a picture of the chosen one."

They all leaned forward to look at the Umbral Illusion of the man. He was tall with dark brown hair, his blue eyes glinted with mirth and over his shoulder was a spade. "Drink the tea eh, why do I get a bad feeling about this?" Mumbled the same Cultist as before. Sadly no-one took any notice of this sage advice. One by one the Nephandi left this cursed place to gather one more when the time was right.

Mr Badger whistled a happy tune as he bludgeoned a lawyer with his spade. After the unconscious figure stopped moaning about suing for assault Mr Badger buried the man in a shallow grave. Just before the head was covered with earth he opened a crystal glass and poured the sluggish brown contents into the lawyer's mouth. "Hmmmm, Lasombra today I think. Better get rid of it before the whole lot goes off. Sounds about right for that Clan actually but at least it'll be consistent [Author note: sorry Amaya ::grins::] Don't know who to feel more sorry for, the Lawyer or the Lasombra, Lasombra by a mile," grinned Mr Badger as he made a decision. A rarity for him in general as many can tell you.

"Being seeing you later," added Mr Badger as he finished covering the lawyer with dirt. Looking at the approaching motorway, just a few days from completion he chuckled quietly to himself. "That is if you get a move on, wouldn't tarry if I were you. Bye, bye now!" Waved Mr Badger as he walked away.

As he walked Mr Badger was struck with a cold shiver down his spine, as if someone were looking at him with dark intentions, as if someone has poured coffee down a drain for no reason, as if he really shouldn't have drunk the water in that particular country. Closing his coat a little tighter against the chill Mr Badger walked back to his Haven before the approach of dawn. "Really should learn how to drive," muttered Badger.

The Nephandi were also creatures of the night (cue music and advance those half face masks). They were dormant during the day but come the fall of night they were out and about with evil in their hearts. Not Evil but only the little sister called evil. Being only servants of the darkness they really have to make some effort to be Evil with most falling well short and only by finger tips managing to be petty. A fair number lose even this glory and can only achieve the dizzy heights of pathetic. To get an idea of how that works just think of the difference between a maths teacher and PE teacher. Sort of works in the end. They gathered just after the dusk outside Mr Badger's Haven, but to find it empty of the person they searched.

"Bugger", muttered the Leader. Quickly he formed a search pattern and sent off his lower Cultists in different directions. The thermos containing the tea of Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck was clutched tight to his breast (actually he had two of them but the thermos wasn't big enough to cover both). Only the Leader was to have the honour of awakening Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck's Avatar and only the Leader was to be gifted by their Dread Lord as being Cultist of the Month.

It didn't take long for Mr Badger to find he was being followed. The main reason for this was he had only got as far as the neighbours fence when he had this sudden and near violent urge to urinate. As such he was about two meters away from the Nephandi when they were discussing their plans. Gifted with his mighty powers of Auspex (OK he waited for one of the Cultists to pass and asked for a look). Mr Badger managed to see he was the one they were looking for.

"Have you seen this man?" Asked the Cultist who was quite pleased the locals were so friendly.

"Sorry mate I haven't. Quite a dashing looking bloke though. Must be real popular with the ladies looking like that. Nah, if I'd seen him I'd surely remember someone so impressive and manly as that," answered Mr Badger.

The Cultist looked disappointed as she put away the photograph. After she left Mr Badger took a good mouthful of Coffee from his ever present thermos to get the sour taste of sounding 'faggy' from his mouth. Knowing he didn't have much time he couldn't fetch Handel or BigJobbs and even Mickey was too far to grab in time.

"Going to have to do this myself," muttered Mr Badger as he realised his evening was well and truly buggered. "Bloody Cultists of Dread Lords always seem to bugger up a busy schedule." With that Mr Badger grabbed his spade from behind the hedge and jogged off on a short cut to ambush the Cultists. After a few steps Badger swore and walked slowly on an even shorter cut as Dread Lords servants weren't worth the threat of physical exercise.

Being Cultists the first search pattern to come to mind was a pentagram. Mr Badger took advantage of his occult knowledge and waited for them all to come together again in the middle. Sitting there quietly (quite a struggle for our Badger) he greeted the Leader when he arrived. The Leader was easy to pick from the crowd as he had the highest collared black robe and his ceremonial dagger was so jewel encrusted to be useless as anything other then a paper weight. Quick as a flash the Leader compared the stranger to the photo then back again.

"Oh chosen one, how have we searched for you. Let us worship you in all of your glory before your investment by the Dread Lord Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck," drooled the Leader.

"If you must, go ahead and worship me then," chuckled Mr Badger. "Who's this Asthma-your-mother-nick-my-van-tick when he's at home?" said Badger as he committed a gross sin against the Dread Lord by mispronouncing his name. All around him the other Cultists looked up in horror and made warding gestures.

"The chosen one mocks us in his gratitude. Laugh with him as we pour the tea of Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck for his consumption," replied the Leader with a frightened look in his eye (he actually has both the usual number of eyes but only one was looking frightened. The other looked a little half shut as that side of the face was trembling with a force 5 Rictor nervous tick).

"TEA??!!??" Roared Mr Badger in the expected result of such a statement. "This had better be a sad joke else you'll going to wake up garden ornaments!"

"We must bring you the sanctified tea of Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck else you can never be the Dread Lord's materialised Avatar!" Begged the Leader as he saw a blunt instrument wound in his near future.

"Like bloody hell on a stick I'll drink that!" Growled Mr Badger as he took out one Cultist with the first swing and another on the follow through of his spade. The Cultists jumped back and Reality (tm) wavered as Magick was bought on line by the survivors. Mr Badger ignored the attempt to turn him into a garden chair and smashed the Cultist in question in the head with the Cultist to the left of her. With a snarl of 'what the fu...?' Mr Badger found himself stuck in place and a warm feeling on his chest. One of the braver Cultists had tried to make his thermos explode as it had actually contained high pressure aviation fuel instead of coffee. Also at that exact moment a high tension power line had broken and touched the pressure vessel.

Against all odds that was the exact time that a micro-meteorite had fallen from the stars and impacted the thermos. With a sigh Mr Badger looked toward the Cultist and with a tear in his eye for the lost coffee (a shirt suck would save the best of it so he was actually hamming up a lot of the emotion) he said "Piss off," and presented the Mage with the dictionary definition of 'Co-incidence' compared to the dictionary definition of 'grasping at straws.' The full force of bullshitting in the face of the StoryTeller struck the Mage and she disappeared in a puff of white feathers with the signature 'Greg, you're next!' printed with Ether in the remaining space. [Authors Note: Greg is a player in Handel's Mage game who has very little idea what the word coincidental actually means].

The remaining Cultists drew back in horror of a bad plan that's really gone to the dogs reared up in their faces. Mr Badger was getting sick of the entire fight scene when the strange and bizarre occurred. A vision barrel rolled sideways out of the Umbra. Its hands dripped with the black ichor of Coffee and a manic grin was emblazoned against its face. With a growl of disgust the Leader of the Cultists, tea in hand, burst into eldritch flame and ran around screaming like a girl. The vision then turned toward the others and shouted, "Flee Damned ones! This one is mine in the name of the Dread Lord of Coffee! No-one shall claim him unless it is in my name! Flee now or face my wrath and be judged as the girly tea drinkers you are so plainly!"

The Cultists were impressed with this new Dread Lord as their one, Asthimothaxiousnickovanovitck, gave them power and such but never actually bothered to turn up and do anything helpful. The Cultists waved their hands above their heads and ran around in circles screaming as people seem to do in the movies for no real reason. Eventually they all collided with one and other and fell unconscious with a groan. All that were left standing were Mr Badger and the Dread Lord of Coffee. With a wink the Vision warped and in the place of the Dread Lord stood a Dread Lady with green eyes.

Mr Badger gasped and stammered, "Who are you?" With a grin and a lewd wink the vision faded and Mr Badger was left with a pain in his lower abdomen.

As the scene fades Mr Badger walks off to get well and truly drunk. "I don't know what's worse, having a kidney with more Chimestry than I do or finally knowing I have a little girly kidney at that?"

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