It Came From The Deep

by Mr Badger

The Setite smiled slowly to itself with a grin made even more terrible by the double row of fangs present and showing from it's mouth. Watching the reaction of its mortal servants the Setite proceeded to yawn and bit bloody pieces of gristle from within the same jaws. Finding the pale appearance of its servants to indicate pleasure or even the better emotion known as fear the Setite nodded to the heavens and Set himself in acknowledgment. Nothing could go wrong with its plan, nothing. Soon the entire Southern Hemisphere would fall beneath it's slimy clutches as its water dwelling pets made short work of any infidels.

The Setite leaned out over the blue ocean depths and patted the nearly invisible ocean going sea cobra, so famous around the beaches of new Zealand. The sea cobra arched its back and almost purred as silky coils of its being responded to its Master's touch. The Setite laughed in appreciation as it had its affection returned by the snake in kind.

Not all was well in paradise and I'm not just referring to the slight serpent imbalance present within these waters. The Setite let a slight frown roll across its face like a tumble weed with a bad case of depression. It was sure there were more ocean going sea cobras swimming carefree and poisonous before? Now there were but a hand full and they seemed distressed? With a frown that was even deeper then before, it was more like a rogue bull elephant in heat looking for a little grey and crinkly love from it's nose rather then a depressed tumble weed, the Setite witnessed the final moments of the ocean going sea cobra it had just reached for. With a near silent squeal and gulp of displaced water the ocean going sea cobra vanished beneath the waves with the Setite catching only the glimpse of something large, something grey and something most certainly dangerous.

The ocean going sea cobra of New Zealand is not a defenceless creature. These little reptiles are famous for sinking ships, like Australian racing yachts, attacking race horses and giving international rugby teams food poisoning just before a World Cup final against South Africa. They are vicious creatures that ask for no quarter and laugh in your face if you ask for the same. More than anything this is because they operate under a decimal system and would rather have a fifty cent piece to play a poker machine than any of the American foreign coinage. Not that poker machines abound under the ocean waves but the ocean going sea cobra is also known for growing legs under a strange mystical metamorphosis and becoming a savage land predator as well. By a strange Ritual known only to Setites the ocean going sea cobra may assume human form and speak in the silky tones of a right bastard to accomplish the destruction of the assigned targets. Often they are mistaken for lawyers.

Strangely enough they are ignored by the population of their chosen country and are even considered a myth. Being at one with the water as well as one with the paradise they live within New Zealander's are hardly afraid of such a beast and just ignore it. The ocean going sea cobra accepts this with good, if that word could be used in conjunction with a Setite Sorcery spawned beast, grace as they don't believe in New Zealanders either. Seems a fair trade in all but this isn't the important issue at hand by a long shot.

The Setite growled as it saw the destruction of it's plans as well as the final death throws of another ocean going sea cobra. With a snarl of pure rage, it'd caught its tongue (both sides) upon its teeth, the Setite stabbed into the water with a clenched fist to strike back at the unknown aggressor. With surprise written all over its face the Setite was pulled under the waves in less time then it took to shout 'bon voyage' and throw some toilet paper at it to the tune of some idiot with a Yamaha home electric organ. The human servants had little time to look shocked as a giant grey tentacle smashed into their vessel and quickly, more quickly than an Australian attempting to spell beer (xxxx), the vessel sank beneath the waves to never be seen again.

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Handel looked confused as he scampered down the mast of his yacht. Just moments ago he was certain he had heard the death scream of another Kindred. Limbering up and after waxing his mighty powers of Auspex he had attempted to locate the last position of the lost soul. Before he could get an exact fix the astral voice had been silenced and Handel's mind was filled with the smell of vinegar. Handel looked toward first mate Badger and shook his head. "Nah, it's gone tits up mate. No sign of it," muttered Handel as he rolled up his Auspex and stowed it down his trousers.

"It's OK mate, can't win them all." Replied Mate Badger as he looked faintly nauseous as Handel finished tying a reef knot in the end of his Auspex.

"I know where they roughly were, plotting the course now," sighed Handel as he moved to the tiller and in a sympathetic reaction the yacht turned toward the scene of the recent tragedy. Storm clouds gathered across the sky as the 'Splicing the Main Brace' cut through the ocean waves like a Ginsu through a nuclear submarine's hull.

Mr Badger hadn't been sure about this voyage at the start. Sure a little paddle around the beach was a manly thing and getting utterly drunk while supporting a fishing rod was a bloke thing no mistake but heading out into the inky blackness with only Handel's mostly remembered skill was another thing altogether. It hadn't been all bad Mr Badger could admit. Raising the Jolly Roger (Mr Badger still refuses to be told the derivation of that name, naval terminology was full of poofy comments he was sure) and boarding the Super tanker full of Rum in search of booty was fun. But in all he still looked mournfully toward the North in search of home. Alas with his eyesight home might as well have been light years away as across as the starboard bow as he'd miss it either way. Now they were embarking on a search and rescue for someone Handel fully admitted was but food for the crayfish and Mr Badger wasn't happy. As they arrived upon the scene and Mr Badger saw the debris, the oil spillage and the floating partial corpses floating like turds on a surfing beach he suddenly regained his good spirits and chuckled quietly to himself as the visual carnage mounted.

"Bugger the Bosun!" Shouted Handel in a tone of voice disgustingly nautical in its familiarity. "There's been foul play and no mistake me hearties!"

Mr Badger looked with a stern eye at Handel for backsliding into the pirate days and it was all Handel could do to defuse the situation but clutch his side and mumbled 'my mistake, I meant me liver!' Handel didn't breath a sigh of relief as after the chilli First Mate Cook Badger had cooked for lunch the day before breathing was NOT a good idea no matter how attached one was for it in any sense.

"Hey Captain Re-Hab, take a look at this, an ocean going sea cobra corpse looking right poorly," shouted Mr Badger as he lifted a half chewed organic hose pipe from the water. "Strange chew marks, as if the attacked had gummed the snake to death."

"Gummed?" Asked Handel. "No, oh no. The tales were true! There is a mammoth ocean going old person attacking the high seas! I was told the tale by the sauciest captain ever to sail around the Cape of Bob Hope. She was a gorgeous creature and I was but a lad with salt in my beard and a contraceptive product in my pocket."

"Ah this wouldn't have been the famous Captain cursed to sail the six seas till she admitted she was in fact wrong about something would it?" Questioned Mr Badger. Handel nodded and Mr Badger smiled as he also recalled the tales. "The Flying Douche Woman was always renowned for taking on young lads on her journeys. Being a woman I believe she still hunts the ocean ways, forever and a day as it'll be that long till she admits fault." The two lads reminisced about someone they both refused to admit they'd made up to impress the other until interrupted by a sharp rocking of the boat.

"That'd better not be your coffee pot going 'China Syndrome' on board again Badger. Took us half a year to get to dry land with that hole in the vessel last time," glared Handel as he worried his beard into split ends.

Mr Badger shook his head in denial as the vessel rocked much sharper this time. A large grey tongue reached over the side, blindly probing for further food. Mr Badger and Handel gagged at each other as this reminded them both of the time BigJobbs attempted to demonstrate the blindfold technique of pizza detection in a dark room, without hands.

"I'd hesitate at a guess but I'd say yonder nasty over there would explain the death cry I heard before." Mr Badger nodded along as he drew his spade to engage in combat with the foul denizen of the deeps. Handel nodded also and grabbed the sword he doesn't carry from underneath the a pile of files he doesn't have around either.

The grey tongue must have sensed danger as it rapidly recoiled and disappeared beneath the sailing vessel. Mr Badger lunged with the speed of bloodlust combined with just a little Celerity to make up the average. With a flash of light as the now revealed Luna smiled her blessing on the blade of his spade Mr Badger struck at the body of their attacker. There was a spong of disbelief as Mr Badger's spade failed to penetrate the armour of the beast. Handel looked over the side along with Mr Badger and what they saw chilled whomever's blood they carried within their veins.

Floating against the hull of Handel's yacht was an oblong creature with a shell spilt length ways down it's body. The creature was propelling itself with the same tongue it used for a weapon. With his keen loot seeking eyesight Handel spotted the glint of something valuable within the flesh of the creatures inner self. If only they could penetrate its armour then there would be something pretty on the table by sunrise, if they could find a port nearby that is.

"It's a bloody giant oyster!" Growled Mr Badger with disgust.

"It's a bloody giant pearl, and chauffeur!" Shouted Handel as he cut to the chase and considered the oyster to be but transportation for the booty. "Time to play valet!" Handel placed his sword within his teeth and jumped over board to take the battle to the oyster. Not wanting to be out done in bald faced scenes of stupidity and heroism Mr Badger jumped in right behind him with spade held above his head.

The oyster hadn't considered what it would do if confronted with a food source that wanted to give a little back then a whole lot more with sharp metal things along the side. Faced with unknown circumstances, compared with unknown circumcisers which is something that the Jewish faith inflicts upon its male members (in more ways then one), the oyster retracted its tongue and sealed its shell like armour.

Sinking beneath the waves once more the oyster thought itself safe, it was wrong. The not needing to breath part helped Mr Badger and Handel no end. Especially when combined to the negative buoyancy giving abilities quite common to big metal hitting things. Sinking at a greater rate then the oyster the two Vampires were ready and waiting for it to hit the bottom of the ocean. Handel distracted the oyster by smacking it on the head (?) while shouting 'spit it out you tight bastard!' Mr Badger took the more practical approach and proceeded to use his spade as an oversized spoon. Combined with Mr Badger's great strength the oyster soon felt itself being wrenched open dispite all efforts to the contrary.

Snatching the pearl from its fleshy bed Handel waved once to the feebly struggling Setite within the oyster's stomach and tapped Mr Badger on the shoulder. With a nod Mr Badger gave the oyster a sound telling off about being a nasty bugger and then they both swam to the surface.

With another creature punished for being affluent in spite of looking rather stupid Mr Badger and Handel sailed away into the sun rise to spend the loot on booze and gifts for the women folk, as per usual. Beneath the waves the oyster regained its strength and plotted revenge against the two legs, revenge that only a shell creature could extract and revenge that would have to happen sometime else.

Beneath the same waves and within the same oyster a familiar looking Setite was more then a little pissed off, oh and digested. Hate lasts forever so we could only wonder what may happen if these two personalities were to strike the same goal and find refuge in punishment of their betrayers.

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