Laughter

by Mr Badger

The Spirit was restless, to him (if Sex was appropriate for a Spirit or indeed a young audience as yourselves) time wasn't all that important but being idle was. His plans were in action but for once time was passing him by. It was time to take an active hand once more with the proceedings. With the flick of a purely mental finger the Spirit focused His Attention on the Earth once more. Selecting the person He wanted to talk with He began the discussion. After sometime the figure nodded to the heavens and walked off at a steady pace. Satisfied that 'things' were about to happen the Spirit commenced exploring the Umbra once more.

The Drone sat in front of the screen with unblinking eyes. Its job was simple, as it only could be with such simple programming, and all it involved was allocating resources to certain targets. The targets were displayed on the screen and the resources available were displayed upon another nearby. It took the human touch to make judgements on the scarce intelligence held on some of the targets. Much to the detriment of Iteration X the human element made all the difference to the efficiency and effectiveness of such operations. A computer doing the same job wouldn't get it wrong as much as being 'success impaired' by mission's end. The screen flashed as new information from Central became available. The Drone looked on as the targets for this raid were displayed. Suddenly the Drone felt a slight touch on its shoulder and it heard someone clear its throat in preparation for speaking. Being trained to obey without question the Drone spun around on its chair eager, if it could ever display such an emotion as eagerness, for new instructions. The Drone was momentarily confused to find no-one there. Falling back on programming the Drone ignored the intrusion and turned back as if nothing had happened. Looking back at the screen the Drone paused as it seemed the names had changed on the screen. Noting that Central is never mistaken it proceeded in planning the raid with the new names in place of the old. As it typed the Drone never saw the cloaked figure walk out the door. With a chuckle the furred creature bowed to the Drone and carried on with its own plan.

Handel gave a low whistle as he admired himself in a full length mirror in his town Haven. With a small pair of scissors he made slight alterations to his perfectly (so he thought) trimmed beard before leaving to met Badger at a local Casino (OK there's really only one in the entire city but we do have to at least try to appear cosmopolitan.) As luck would have it in these stories Handel managed to meet Mr Badger just outside as he two was making his way to the Casino. Both were dressed in a well tailored tuxedo with the necessary hipflask/thermos pockets tailored into the suit. To the trained observer Handel still didn't appear to be carrying a sword but Mr Badger carried a walking cane reminiscent of a past era (not because of his bad eyesight mind you, not a major point but one which should be made.) The two chatted to one an other about their dress and many comments were made referring to some 'sows ear someone or other had tried to make into a wallet for no clearly apparent reason.' Behind them a black Sedan slowed than turned to follow them. "Handel old chap, have you been suffering any puberty flashbacks of the biological kind recently by chance?" Asked the curious Mr Badger.

"Not that I've noticed Badger, why do you ask?" Replied the slightly confused Handel.

"Its all those red dots on your face was all, if they're no due to a dodgy complexion I'd say you should duck real fast," said Mr Badger as he pushed Handel to one side just in time.
The rattle of one of those rotary machine guns like Blaine had in Predator tore though the air slightly after the rip of bullets tore though the air where Handel's head had been scant moments before. With a word being the synonym of 'copulation' Handel rolled to one side and drew his sword which usually isn't there. Out of the now parked Sedan came four individuals, one of which now had a collection of smoking muzzles rather than the usual arm. From his/its eyes came the red beams that Badger had noticed earlier.
"Hit Marks, at least this makes a change from all those Ninjas from last week. With the gleam of an idea in his eyes Badger jumped out from behind cover and kicked down the door of a nearby house. As the occupants of the house squealed in alarm Badger returned outside with a video remote in one hand. Holding the remote up as a weapon Badger pushed the stop button. To his amazement and Handel's as well, not to mention the Hit Mark in question, Badger's target stopped dead in its tracks and fell over to the ground. After Badger pushed the 'power off' button on the remote the red beams dimmed from out of the eyes and the Hit Mark lay motionless.
"That was lucky," grinned Badger. With a wink at Handel Badger moved to one side to engage the rest of their attackers. Mr Badger imagined the forces of a paradox backlash were more to blame than luck in that last encounter against the offending Hit Mark but one doesn't tweak the Mr Wobbly of Fate when it works in your favour for a change. Aiming again Badger was disappointed as the next Hit Mark wasn't effected by the remote like the first.
"Crap, knew I should have used Duracels. Its just they advertise with a bunny rabbit and we know you just can't trust them after all."
Handel held his head and winced after hearing this reasoning. Badger reached behind his back and withdrew the spade head from the small of his back. With a quick screwing motion favoured by middle aged men with bored wives he attached the head to his walking cane. Handel satisfied himself with cutting the front most Hit Mark in two with his sword while Badger was buggering around. Seeing that the frontal assault wasn't working the remaining Hit Marks pinned down the Vampires with a disgusting amount of fire power generally saved for Anime and contacted their base for instructions. Faced with alarming an already pretty much alarmed populace the Hit Marks were instructed to withdrawal and regroup at another location.
Seeing their attackers move away under cover of the barrage Mr Badger reached for Handel's hipflask and threw a small portion of the Rum at the retreating forms. Handel growled and flashed enraged eyes at Badger. Before he had another fight on his hands Badger explained his plan, very quickly and without all the added verbal padding he favours in general speech. Handel rapidly calmed down and nodded at the sense behind the actions but deep inside he would never forgive Badger for the sacrilege he had witnessed.

Regrouping at a nearby abandoned chemical factory (they're everywhere don't you know) the Hit Marks and Controllers decided to return to their base rather than engage the Vampires in open combat (be it mortal or otherwise.)
"The NWO operatives can find their nests for us and we'll destroy than during daylight rather than they are strong. We are not fools, we can wait till the time was right. They will pay for defying Iteration X," intoned the Controllers. Behind them one Hit Mark turned to the other and raised an eyebrow. The second Hit Mark nodded and made 'wanking' motions with its hands. As the Controllers turned around to see where the movement had come from the two Hit Marks were motionless and at attention once more. Getting back into a Black Sedan the four journeyed back to the home base. No one noticed the black stain on the back of the first Hit Mark.

Not far behind Handel and Mr Badger were tracking their every movement. Mr Badger had the embarrassed Handel on a leash (Handel wouldn't admit it was a harness no matter of what form) with the bearded one straining to get free. Handel could sense the spilt Rum with every pore of his alcohol sensitive nose. All the Auspex he could muster was working at battle stations in his nose (hence the bulbous red colour) and sensing the Rum nearby. Mr Badger chuckled as the Little Red Nosed Rum Beardy Monster led them both toward a soon to be surprised predator now prey.

The Iteration X controllers were enraged at the inadequate intelligence for this raid. Their information had been correct about the Vampiric nature of their targets but had made no mention of the power level involved. As they debated the best course of action no one noticed the two who entered the supposedly closed garage. Handel led the way and managed to avoid all the electronic sensors that his Obfuscate wasn't proof too. Lurking in a dressing room while the sentries went past Mr Badger examined the armour on the wall. "Take a look at this stuff, she how its been built?" Asked Mr Badger.

"Looks like interconnecting plates all actuated by electronic servo-motors and equipped with a self contained environment," answered Handel.

"Sure it is but look at where all the interconnecting starts from," whispered the now impatient Badger.

Handel looked again and noticed that the plates were thickest, thus the protection highest, around the groin part of the powered armour. "Its just a high tech codpiece with guns!" Grinned Handel.

"Yup, like all men the Iteration X guys have that one flaw. You can't train it, program it, brain wash it or even starve it out. You can break their will, shatter their minds, program them from scratch and load them with controls but you will never get rid of man's basic desire to protect Mr Wobbly. That is how we'll teach them a lesson," grinned Mr Badger. "You take care of the Hit Marks, I'll finish off here." Handel nodded and skulked off to the mech bays.

Being the most experienced with harnesses Badger knew all the weaknesses to the armour. Reaching into each suit he adjusted each of the internal straps to his liking than grabbed a roll of duct tape from a nearby 'In Case of Ascension, Break Glass' cabinet. Into each suit Badger put a number of carefully placed strips of duct tape. Grinning from ear to ear than half way back again (Vicissitude, great isn't it?) Mr Badger went off to see how Handel was doing.

Handel looked up and down the deserted mech bays, deserted that is of fully organic life. Each bay was filled with a resting Hit Mark being rearmed and fed by the attendant machines alone the walls. Instructions seemed to be being fed into each waiting Cyborg by a massive computer sitting to one side. Reaching for his Auspex once more Handel waggled it all around the room until he had a fair idea how to defeat these machines without being reduced to a fight. The computer was being instructed itself from an outside communications link, probably from this Central they keep talking about. With a slight chuckle and a 'nah, nah, nah!' gesture to the dormant Cyborgs Handel reached up and lifted the receiver from the modem. Leaving the phone off the hook Handel joined Mr Badger by the elevators. Behind him the Hit Marks were effectively removed from the fight as their Controllers were now without even call waiting to save them.

"How do we get their attention Badger?" Asked Handel.

"Simple," grinned Badger as he broke some nearby glass and pulled a switch. "This'll teach them for leaving all these things lying around where anybody can get them." Handel nodded his approval as the klaxons and flashing red lights of the 'In Case of Bill Gates, Break Glass' alarms went off.

"I thought he was one of theirs?" Asked Handel.

"So did I but apparently he's really a Nephandi, stands to reason I suppose," answered Mr Badger.

"Or a Marauder," whispered Handel.

The effect of the alarm could be felt throughout the entire complex. After finding the Hit Marks unresponsive the Controllers took the matter into their own hands and raced for their armour. In that casual 'we do this all the time' sort of gesture they didn't climb into the armour as much as leap in from the top. This is what Mr Badger was planning for. Instead of each armour being adjusted for its occupant as normal each set had been adjusted with the lower abdomen straps slightly tighter than normal. The effect of this was each Controller suddenly found themselves with a Mr Wobbly who felt like he was getting a Himlech manoeuvre from a Sumo wrestler. With a strangled squeak each controller fought against having all the blood rush from a piece of their anatomy which they would rather keep it. As fast as they jumped into the armour they attempted to jump straight out again. This is where Mr Badger's second trap came into action. Being men the Controllers were only wearing a dirty pair of briefs and a stained white singlet into battle. The duct tape inside each set of armour was arranged to catch the bikini line as well as the armpits and leg hairs of the occupants. The controllers screamed like School girls at the pain and passed out. All except for one who had slipped on entry and had an eyebrow caught by the duct tape. Facing agony no man would ever wish upon another his head exploded under the torment. Mr Badger and Handel shook their heads and wandered off to the Inner Chambers (watching out not to step in the icky bits).

Upstairs they found the orders that had started all this. Checking one set from the other they noticed that their names had been used to replace another set, those of a pair of Neonates who had stirring trouble in the electronic community. "What the hell?" Asked Mr Badger.

Just then the air in front of the pair snapped to one side and in its place stood a furred gentleman who for one minute looked like a Garou. As Handel looked closer he noticed the head was slimmer and the fur less thick than normal. More disturbing was the muzzle who looked like a grin (as it had now) was the normal fixture. "Xochipilli-Get's-Other's-In-Trouble. Coyote sent me to test you. So far you have failed in your exam." Grinned the WereCoyote.

"You mean this entire mess was just a test?!" Growled Mr Badger, behind him Handel also looked near to anger.

"You had better believe it," sniggered the WereCoyote.

"You stupid little.........." Mr Badger surprised Handel but pleased Xochipilli-Get's-Other's-In-Trouble by stopping in mid stride and laughing his head off. "Now that's got to rip the crotch out of your panties. Piss off dog breath before I find the silver lining in this thing."

Xochipilli-Get's-Other's-In-Trouble left Handel and Mr Badger laughing uncontrollably and tangoed into the Umbra. To anybody else the voice was lost but to the Spirit who had started the whole thing the voice was as clear as His own. "They can learn Coyote, they can learn," said Xochipilli-Get's-Other's-In-Trouble.

On the other side of the Umbra Handel and Mr Badger went off to get changed then to get drunk, in reverse order of importance. In their wake was left a devastated hulk of a Technocracy Construct and a lesson well learned. "When life kicks you in the groin and all seems pointless just step back and laugh at it all, at yourself is even better." 

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