Know thy enemy and know them well if you're to survive. Wise words from someone who I suspect of being myself. I suspect myself of many things but mark my words it'll be a dark day the time I ever fail to pull one over myself.
The age of the Inquisition still sticks in the mind of many like tragedy spawned chewing gum in the hair of Vampire society. As the comb of time attempts to plow through the horror and terror remains locked within the gooey mess of memory.
At the forefront of the Inquisition were a breed apart from general Humanity and Vampire alike. Mortal, Ghoul and Vampire together stood under its banner and together hunted out those who had forgotten the skills of social camouflage and disguise. They were to be known as the Lap Dogs of the Inquisition.
The Sect was born near the beginning of it all, as illustrated by this excerpt from the Book of Nodding.
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The sky was blue and there was nothing to do as the Lord surveyed His creation. He called it the "Earth" as that was how much it cost to put together, at least that was what the Holy Accountants reported to the Lord and not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, did the Lord regret ever creating them and their kind.
The Lord had created life like a omnipotent life creating machine on amphetamines. He did begin with the lowest forms of life, the slug and snail, the other invertebrates, the morning DJ's who insist on using the word "Rocktober", the lawyers and physical education teachers and with insects. Next the Lord did swot at His arms with annoyance and mutter words like "buggery" and "blast." [1]
The Lord did next create the animals. The cats were first as they were destined to rule over all in time. The Lord did create a boo-boo at this time and He does not mean a furry cartoon bear for the Lord did make the mistake of telling the felines their role in His universe and thus did His felines begat emotions such as smugness, pride and insufferableness. And thus, on this day of creation, did the first feline get a kick up the bum for being a smart arse. Yay verily.
Last of all the Lord did create man. This has been considered not His best move but certainly one of the longest lasting. The Lord did look at man and smile. He had first thought to create woman before man as she is more organised and protective of His other creations but in His wisdom the Lord did know that without man woman would not have anyone to complain at and thus live unhappily.
As with many things the Lord was not entirely happy with what He had so far accomplished and thus he decided to "bugger around" a bit. The Lord took from man and from insect to make a new creature. This creature walked on two legs but desired to swarm and niggle upon other men. This creature spoke as a man yet fed off the excrement and offal of society. The Lord did smile as He was pleased and a pleased Lord is a good thing as otherwise the countryside is filled with lightning bolts with "Dear Occupant: you are to be smote" written all over them. [2] The Lord did name this new creature a "Tabloid Journalist."
Soon after the Tabloid Journalist turn "bad." Rather than use their abilities to better themselves they turned to lowering others. All creatures of the Lord's earth are equal they said, and so all creatures will be equal. Those that stand out must be cut down. Those that are tall will be made short.
[1] Some scholars believe the insects behaved thus as a sign to the Lord that they understood their role in the scheme of the things. Other scholars believe that the insects were just pissed off at being lumped in with the lawyers.
[2] Just ask the people of Sodom, if you're got the phone number of an exceptionally good medium, who were guilty of having their stereos up too loud one day when the Lord was not at His best and His head did pound mightily. [3]
[3] Some scholars believe this text to be the first true evidence of an Oktoberfest or at least the day afterwards.
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Thus were the first Tabloid Journalists born from the hand of God. At least that's how they've always acted ever since. The Book of Nodding has little to say concerning Tabloid Journalists until after the cursing of Caine and Caine's banishment. There, in the Book of Nodding, is found the following passages.
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And low; did Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), wander apart from all other except from himself which is understandable really when you think about the difficulties of it being the other way around. For Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), had spurned the love of Lilith by continually leaving the toilet seat up against her wishes. [4]
Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), sat in quiet solitude with gaze without focus towards the horizon. This silent solitude was to be broken faster than a bride's hymen on the wedding night.
"Mister Caine!" Harkened a voice from the darkness.
Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), did look about in confusion.
"Mister Caine! A moment if you please Mister Caine!" Repeated the harsh voice from beyond where the light of moon and stars did fall.
Solitude weighed heavily upon the soul of Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), and thus did he wish for company. "Yes?" Answered he.
"Mister Caine! Subliminal messages in the harp music played backwards, did it make you kill your brother Mister Caine?" Asked the voice which appeared to be getting closer. Closer from more than one direction.
Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), closed his eyes as all he had feared was now true. He'd gone mad.
"Mister Caine! The people have a right to know Mr Caine! Was it subliminal messages in the harp music which made you do it Mister Caine? Are the Angels behind it all Mister Caine? Tell us about your secret love tryst with the Arch Angel Mister Caine!" The voice no longer belonged to a single source as now many voices were shouting the questions. The voices circled around where Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), sat.
Now fully understanding what the Curse of the Lord really meant Caine, the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve and the murderer of Caine's brother Able (also the son of Adam born from the womb of Eve), stood and with a small smile and a little wave ran like buggery to get away. [6]
This encounter with the Tabloid Journalists was to haunt Caine from that night forward. This one event has been attributed to explain Caine's overwhelming fear of the "Sun."
[4] Caine was of course attempting to regain the favour of the Lord by conserving gravitational potential energy and thus saving the universe from potential heat death. [5]
[5] Thus proving in itself that if women are left to their own devices for too long the end of all we know would be just around the corner.
[6] The most sublime of all defensive weapons has always been a really swift pair of legs. As proven by Clan Davidson who as their only claim to fame were the sole survivors of the losing side during a major Scottish battle. The surviving Clan members (attached between the really swift pair of legs at the time) took discretion as the better part of valour in the literal sense and ran away during the half time interlude (just after having some oranges), thus surviving rather than being slaughtered like everyone else.
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The Tabloid Journalists were not to be discouraged by their failure with Caine. Their exploits became legend with the legend being feared by all. Stories of swarms of Tabloid Journalists crossed the country side where ever man talked with man.
In Egypt a Pharaoh who ignored the warnings of Moses [7] had inflicted upon his lands and people a swarm of Tabloid Journalists which near on destroyed the kingdom. Personally assaulted by the creatures it was the Pharaoh himself who devised the correct ritual of banishment when it comes to Tabloid Journalists. [9] From then on the Egyptians offered tribute to She whom they knew had sent the journalists as punishment. Known to them as Oprahus, the Queen of Rapid Expansion, she was feared as well as sought out.
The Romans made much use of the Tabloid Journalist and worshiped the breed under the guise of the God "Heraldo." [10] The Romans also adopted the Tabloid Journalist into their armed forces and often used the breed in large flanking maneuvers where in the Journalists were inserted behind enemy lines in the first real example of strategic bombing.
[7] Moses was later to become famous for leading his people across the desert for a large number of years. The first indication of Blokehood where in it is a sin for a man to ask for directions when 'he' knows 'perfectly well' how to get there 'eventually.' [8]
[8] Eventually = an integer between ten and a thousand, measured in years.
[9] You hit them with a chair apparently.
[10] God stolen from "Jason Cosmo" by Dan McGirt. A good novel (with two sequels). Read it. The goddess of medicine was known as AMA, just in case you were wondering.
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The Tabloid Journalists were present in ever increasing numbers during the times of Jesus. In fact, the first recorded telling of the son of the Lord's crucifixion was the headline banner of the Sun read as "Got'em!" This was a vast improvement from the banner a week before. "Lovely Luscious Lilith Laid Low by Long Locked Lout." As a combination piece Lilith was also the pg III girl within that episode. A girl has to make a living you know.
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The Tabloid Journalists next surfaced in vast number during the time of the Dark Ages. The fantastical was everywhere if you knew where to look. Reports of blood soaked orgies ran rampant through the pages of the "Sun," the "Ye Olde Privvy Reader," and "Grandmother's Wisdom Monthly." When Mortal stood up for itself once and for all the hunters turned to the Journalists to finally reveal their 'sources.'
So began a partnership in blood. Journalists roamed the land seeking sign and tale of fantastical encounter. Once whispers and rumours were discovered the Journalists called in their more martial companions. The Inquisition took great pride in their "blood hounds of the press." To the Vampire the Journalists were known as the "Lap Dogs of the Inquisition."
Fae, Mage, Vampire and Were all learned to fear the shouted accusations of the Journalists. The Wraiths cared not a wit. In fact, they couldn't give a sheet about happenings behind the Shroud. The only defense came through disguise. Those who could not hide amongst the crowd were separated and destroyed. To stand out was to become vulnerable. To appear too powerful, too great, was to soon appear dead. To the Journalists the consequences of their actions were immaterial. The people have a right to know. [11]
[11] A common rallying shout from those who seek to learn others knowledge yet never heard when someone else wishes to learn theirs.
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The Tabloid Journalists are active to this present day. While name and form may change tactics of the past remain true in the present. One such tactic is known as "Monstering." [12] Monstering is described as "the art of abusing people. Of ambushing them with questions, following them with questions, hounding them with questions, driving them to their graves with questions. It's sort of like being a photographer, except we've never yet killed any Royalty doing it. Yet." Monstering is best performed in a swarm. Monstering can often be identified by the shouts of "show us yer tits love!" and other quaint demands.
The Tabloid Journalists are still about to this very day. Seeking, searching and generally skulking in groups. They yearn for the hunt of truth. Or something close to truth but not quite the truth. Like what you tell children when their favourite goldfish has been found sunbathing at the top of the tank.
[12] Monstering and quote stolen from "Transmetropolitan."
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So beware of the Tabloid Journalist. Beware of their attention and watch out whenever someone calls you "Mister." Also make sure you oil your nipples, never know when you're going to wipe your top off and waggle your stuff for the boys.
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