Mickey's Merry Men : Part the Second.
by Mr Badger
Mickey stood in front of his Merry band with nipples pushed outwards like a tights clad Errol Flynn of the 90's. The soft summer's breeze washed across the little wee tiny goatee on his chin like the desert's winds ripping through a single coin sized oasis. The fire had started to die down so the light was lit with the stray flickers and the glow of the stars above. Being in New Zealand one can actually see the stars at night without all that smog getting in the way. The Hubble Telescope may be a grand thing as technology goes but if they really wanted to see other galaxies they should have just asked Handel and his mighty Auspex of God himself to look up through a New Zealand sky, last year he even read the label of some Alien from Beta Maxima's underwear. It was green by the way, if you cared. The underwear that is, not the label which was a puce sort of shade. So was the alien when it comes down to it.
"People, being people who are men as well as a lady in front of me," began Mickey in his politically correct manner, green tights aside. "We have lost a team mate to the horrors of guerrilla warfare. We will rescue him, and rescue him we shall do as soon as we get off and rescue him around a few minutes time from now. He has been taken by that scourge Some Guy From Brisbane. How we came about this knowledge is immaterial considering we're in the middle of a forest without a radio or TV or even a local newspaper. What we can take pride in is we do know that BigJobbs has been taken prisoner and that we know where he is. Some Guy From Brisbane shall rue the day he sent us an invitation to the Castle House Warming. Quick! Gather up some sticks with sharpened ends and a sting across them! Quick, gather up some shinny aluminium swords with blunt edges. Let's be away to the Castle of Some Guy From Brisbane!" Everyone cheered at Mickey's speech, especially Maid MerryParr who was just happy Mickey had stopped shouting. Mickey's nipples had nearly taken her eye out on a number of occasions as he screamed and spat at the crowd in a fervour or excitement. After gathering their weapons the happy band of 3M ran off into the countryside, there were a few visits to make on the way, one must never forget one's duty after all.
Sam looked out from around the door way carefully. The Court Case had only just been finished with the Dastardly Gang Lords put behind iron bars. The court case had been a troubling one, what with the previous witnesses all mysteriously disappearing only to reappear at the bottom of the harbour wearing Cheddar Overshoes (a fatal event to say the least). The Police had been at wits end, not an uncommon fate for the local police having only half the usual accompaniment of wits to deal with as it was (unfair comment, they're great people and I'm not just saying that as I knew some of them when I was about those lands). Sam had been an accountant for the Dastardly Gang Lords Gang and had been partial to some inside knowledge of how the Gang operated, not the least being where they stashed all the stinking wads of loot they nicked. Sam had just had enough and after some very long soul searching had offered his services to the Police as a Prime Witness, in exchange for stinking wads of legal loot this time around, tax free, with a high interest rate and one of those free Super Bowl radio telephones shaped like a football for some not at all strange or bizarre reason. Sam had just been to one of the local Hole in the Wall automatic teller machines to request some of his hard earned gains when there was a tap on his shoulder. "Excuse me Miester!" Said the voice in a very bad and quite obviously fake Spanish accent.
Sam turned around politely and saw a falling hammer in the hands of a burly gentleman with a smile before everything went black. Mr Badger took Sam's wallet before joining the rest of 3M at the Hospital.
Allan had been through a bit of bad luck recently. After a few a few beers at the local tavern Allan had been convinced to try his might at a little diving contest. After taking the bet and consuming a little more Dutch courage courtesy of the guys around the bar Allan had taken a taxi to the site of the bet and gotten ready. As the second taxi had arrived full of spectators and the other bet makers Allan had already stripped down to his ripped t-shirt and holey underwear. With a cry of "It's red mate, like a little fire engine," Allan had jumped. As you can imagine leaping off a Hydro dam wearing a pair of dangerous looking underwear and a well scarred t-shirt does not invulnerable a man make. Just as well being pissed as a chook with a blood alcohol limit of a B-52 does make a man invulnerable. Falling 200 metres onto concrete and turbines still scraped off a bit of skin and a wee bit of bone. Allan had been rescued from the bottom as he tried to climb to the top again to have another go. Blokes are like that, a little internal injury isn't going to lay them low. Allan was just coming out of surgery, after having both legs removed from his rib cage, when he came to. Sitting there on the stretcher was a wallet full of lots and lots of money. With a grin Allan lost consciousness dreaming of a bugger load of kegs all with his name on them.
"Steal from the Snitch and give to the Sore"
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Sunrise Rainbow looked out the door and saw a wondrous sight. Her eyes lit up with love for Gaia as she noticed the most perfect looking mushroom right smack bang in the centre of her most perfectly arranged bonsai garden. Sunrise Rainbow covered her shoulders in an array of hazelnut and mistletoe branches before skipping her way out to caress and encourage the mushroom in its miraculous growth. "Oh joyous love to you little garden wonder! Love and kisses and let me hug you in my joy and love for all that is nature!" Cried Sunrise Rainbow as she lit some incense below the mushroom to fill its little fungi lungs with the good humour of the Mother Earth. "Oh, for this bounty I shall make a sacrifice of my worldly belongings to Gaia, so I may be pleased with all that is green and natural and lovely." Sunrise Rainbow skipped her way back in doors to raid the china cabinet for items screaming materialism and thus not worthy to be in the presence of someone as truly wondrous as the mushroom blessing her bonsai garden with its pale magnificence. With a cry of pure love and contentment with the universe Sunrise Rainbow released the burden in her arms and threw the silverware out into the woods. Crying with happiness Sunrise Rainbow bent down and covered the mushroom with tears of pure joy and shallowness.
"Get it lads," could be heard from the woods as the Rapid Gathering Team of the 3M gathering up all the silver wear faster than you can say "hey look, free stuff." Sunrise Rainbow was oblivious to all these going ons as she was trying to project pure love and happiness towards the mushroom.
Then Sunrise Rainbow felt the mushroom move in ways mushrooms are not supposed to do. "Bloody hell, it's a bugger to run with this gout and all," said the mushroom as it twisted and turned in the light to reform into the slightly taller Friar Handel. Friar Handel legged it as fast as his gout stricken legs could manage. Sunrise Rainbow looked on in shock.
Sebastian looked at his notes with a frown. They would never do, not at all. Sebastian had not managed to capture the detail necessary to relate the intricacies of off shore finance in the consumer market to those who just would not understand. He sighed a long suffering sigh and reduced the content to something even those ignorant of tax shelters could understand. How people like that could ever manage to open a cheque account amazed Sebastian. "Damn," muttered Sebastian, he was to entertain the Minister of Finance after the conference and he had mistakenly given the best dishes to the Maid to clean over the weekend. Here he was, with an important guest and all the best china was out being dribbled on by some near unemployable wretch without the common decency to undertake a suitable retirement plan considering her advanced age. Not like the ugly crone was ever going to be married to a person of stature after all. Just then there was a knock on the window. Grabbing the fire poker up in one hand Sebastian leapt across to see who scoundrel would dare disturb him at this delicate moment, the speech was not finished and he still had to organise for the dinner. Outside the window sat a pile of gleaming silverware, looking like a beacon of glory to Sebastian. Rushing out to look around Sebastian could not make out who would have left this gift in his hour of need. Shaking his head Sebastian gathered up the silverware and went back inside to finish the speech.
"Steal from the Witch and give to the Bore."
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Some Guy From Brisbane looked across the battlements with a worried expression. The chief reason for this was the battlements had only been designed for a normal person to walk across and the gigantean sized creature that was Some Guy From Brisbane could only mean structural disaster in the form of an explosion of timbered splinters. In some form of bloody mindedness the badly painted planks that were the stone work managed to hold and Some Guy From Brisbane walked from one side to the other without disaster, not yet any ways. The Guards looked around with amazement on their faces. They'd considered this structure had been designed and built by not only the lowest bidder but by someone who was blind, deaf, without hands, had never even smelt a real building before, was impotent of the brain and generally had no idea what they were doing in any way, manner or form. With the new found proof that the timbers could hold up someone containing the mass of Jupiter the Guards marched across the battlements like it said to in their contracts. Unfortunately one unlucky guard managed to stamp on the one timber that had given up the ghost in such away as to be an entire anti-Wraith zone in itself. This timber felt the shock of the Guard's foot slamming down and exploded into a shower of splinters such the like has never been seen since the unfortunate WaterWorld set meets Tropical Cyclone incident of 1995. With a scream of "Damn!" the Guard fell downwards to be heard of no more. Bit part characters are like that, always buggering off on you in the middle of the story. It's no wonder they don't get mentioned in the Credits at the end of the Story, never do much but wander around looking all serious like and getting butchered by the heroes. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Mickey and the rest of 3M looked out at the Castle from the edge of the forest. It looked tough, not only were their Guards walking the battlements but it was also near Evening Coffee Break and there was no way in any form of hell or punishment realm that Mickey'd get them moving before they had their union proscribed break. "Speak to us oh Bard, speak to us of the ways we shall enter the Castle and rescue our fallen comrade from the foul clutches that is Some Guy From Brisbane. Tell us a tale of Bard and let us learn from the past so we may mistake no more and be glorious in our victory."
The Bard of 3M looked about and swallowed the mouthful of Rum he'd been sharing with Friar Handel just moments ago. "Bugger, I'm on. Save me some of that 'Virtue' and I'll get back to it after punching some heads," muttered the Bard to Friar Handel. The Bard stepped forward to address the group with a belch and a scratching of the groin. "So it was said, sometime before when someone said something worth noting. 'Bugger me if we weren't about to go ape shit crazy and attack a fortified position with our aluminium swords and bare hands. Let is be pure of heart and quiet impure of liver, let us cheer and cry and go forth knowing we're going to do something really painful to someone else with good intentions.' Yeah, something like that." Mr Badger bowed and went back to the Rum.
Mr Badger was the Bard of 3M for one very good reason. While he was about as musical as a dead deaf rock without any hands he was famous for being the one with the tall tales of bravery and stupidity, one leads to the other in a circle after all. What is a Bard but a means of teaching others with an interesting tale - everything is a lesson if it's told properly after all. Mr Badger inspired 3M then went back to have a little dash of 'Virtue and purity' with Friar Handel.
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Some Guy From Brisbane looked out the window, they were out there that they were. Some Guy From Brisbane could smell them, not only smell them but see them as they sat there on the side of the forest with the torches burning singing about 'the Wizard with the Knob on the end of his Staff.' Not too clear on that secrecy thing it seems. Some Guy From Brisbane gave the order to prepare the catapults. Suddenly the alarm went off, they were under attack! Spinning around Some Guy From Brisbane looked out the window again and still saw the scene of celebration and drunkenness. "An illusion! Damn their eyes!" Some Guy From Brisbane stormed out to rant at the attackers in his usual boring fashion.
Mr Badger was the first to the walls. Growing huge claws from his fingertips Mr Badger jumped up and scrabbled for a handhold in the very thin and not at all stone walls. Being short on funds and brain cells designers of this castle had only been able to install one real wall of stone in the entire thing, the rest were cardboard with some very thick paint over the top of it. Expecting the walls to be punctured easier than a willing Bride on a wedding night (ouch, going to pay for that one I'm sure) Mr Badger didn't put much effort into striking the walls. As such when Mr Badger met solid stone the claws hardly dug in and scraped downwards in a shower of sparks and that 'screechy' noise like the one you get from a blackboard. This particular event was to have a disastrous effect on the castle's defenders.
Vampires seem to think they can have their Auspex active at all times. "You can't sneak up on me, I can read your mind Buddy!" While this sounds like a good idea you have to wonder what effect having enhanced senses has when being the normal rather than the exception. An influx of information, mostly dazzling where the mind has to work out what is important and what is not. Let us imagine that the Vampires in question only activated the ability once the attack came to occur. While they have only just started to examine their environment in great detail they are still going to be overwhelmed by needless detail and distraction. Enhanced senses are like the ability to hide, a means to accomplish something, not as themselves a way to survive without thought. This is why.
The sound Mr Badger's claws made on the stone wall was shocking to behold. Like that noise someone's fingernails make on a blackboard the noise pierced the brain. For those of the Guards who had been observing the World through magnifying lens for the ears, eyes and brain it over all effect was beyond belief. The noise and its overflow of sensations was enhanced to the point where it was not only painful it could take on painful's big brother in a fair fight and kick both their arses without breaking a sweat.
Some Guy From Brisbane shuddered as he heard the sound of many heads imploding, Guards fell to the floor as their minds suddenly had to cope with an excess of sensation without any means of a filter. Some Guy From Brisbane grinned as he watched the event happen around him., "Cool, have to learn how to do that myself." Some Guy From Brisbane grabbed a blunt aluminium sword and prepared to defend his prisoner and Castle.
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