The sun sets and in true Doctor Who style an elevator appears where one generally isn't, ie as part of a stone pillar. The doors open and out step two people who you wouldn't immediately expect to be in the Vatican as this is where they are.
"OK Handel the lift is a nifty plot device to get us around the world without putting any thought into it but why are we here?" Asked Mr Badger.
"Well," answered Handel as he turns to the audience to explain the plot. "I thought we'd do a bit of a field trip to help Parr out with her study on the True Faith (TM) Phenomenon. What better place to do than the Vatican!"
"During the planning stage did it ever occur to you to bring Parr along as well? I mean she'd know what she's looking for." Asked Mr Badger with a "you've screwed up" smirk.
"Hi guys, what kept you?" Said Parr as she walked out from behind the pillar.
Mr Badger lost the smirk faster then a clown being audited for tax evasion. "Oh fuc..." said he as Handel beamed at him.
"Sorry Badger?" Asked Parr as she reached for the Spade of Dirtymouth (TM).
Sweat poured off the Badgers brow as he thought in sheer desparation for a workable excuse. "I said fire truck Parr. Must be a bugger being one what with all this stone around the place. Bugger all work to do and all." Replied Mr Badger.
"Good save, think she fell for it?" Said Handel.
"Not a chance but it was worth a try after all," replied Mr Badger with a wink.
After a pretty stern stare by Parr at Mr Badger, thus confirming his suspicions that his excuse was about as believable as Oliver North's the threesome (no fiend no, not even in jest) wondered off to provoke religious wrath. After a while some melodious chanting could be heard coming from a large stone domed building. The three vampires wondered in and inside sat an ocean of brightly coloured robes in the middle of a ceremony. Looking out of place in the usual trench coats the three made moves to "aquire" native clothing. When in Rome etc... These moves took the form of Handel distracting Parr with a comment of the "Parr I do believe your eyes match the tiles directly above your head" variety, Parr looking up with suspicion written all over her face and Mr Badger legging it down the corridor. After a serious of thunks, ouches and the noises of bodies falling Mr Badger returned with a set of three robes. White for Parr (of course), Black and white for Badger (seeing a trend here?) and Rum coloured for Handel. Not black but Rum coloured, they're two different colours, just ask him sometime you have an afternoon to week free.
"And where did they come from?" Asked Parrhesia.
"Laundry basket," replied Badger and under his breath "a two legged walking laundry basket."
As they dressed there was a "WooHoo!" from Handel as he located the hipflask pocket and found it complete with occupant. They're Catholics after all. Dressed in the latest fashions from the Clerical range (and I don't mean as in typists) they mingled with the novices. Being a lot taller and not entirely all male they still stood out from the others. The application of subtle disciplines by Handel and "what the hell you looking at?" drop dead stares from Mr Badger convinced the curious that nothing was out of the ordinary. Observing for a while the three saw no evidence of True Faith (TM) at work so they moved on.
"I have an idea. Maybe it's a fight or flight reflex?. Maybe the cattle, I mean humans need to be scared crapless before it kicks in?" Mentioned Mr Badger.
"Nice idea, not to hard to test either," replied Handel as he rubbed his beard. Laying in wait for some volunteers for this experiment. The Pit trap was vetoed by Parr and Handel as well as the burning oil.
"How about we get some of those bulls that always seem to be running around here and ghoul them up a bit?" Asked Mr Badger
. "That's Spain Badger. We're in Italy. Anyway we want to know the effect on us not ghouls." Explained Handel in a slow but firm voice.
"Hmmmmm, what we need is someone that's just bound to be overflowing with the faith and not likely to drop dead at our feet," proposed Parrhesia.
At that very moment, with timing only possible in a tale of dubious quality such as this, around the corner came a woman (only proven through DNA testing) dressed in the latest in uncomfortable armour. Around her waist was a sword that would make Amhorach drop to his knees in worship with a blade so sharp electrons were looking pretty nervous being so close to it. The air was filled with the thrumming of tightly leashed power as the sword sensed the presence of the "unholy" nearby. The Sister of the "Our Lady of Blind Fury with Edged Weapons" Order spun around and took up a fighting stance against the three surprised vampires. Moving with a speed that makes lightening hang up its running shoes in disgust Mr Badger grabbed Parr and tried to kick the "dangerous habit" by running like buggery away from it. Closely followed by Handel the two took up defensive positions next to the souvenir stand.
"Didn't notice any of that Faith stuff kids. I was too busy avoiding that skyscraper with a edge she's swinging around. How about we look for an easier target elsewhere?" Said Mr Badger.
"Too late, here comes RoboNun!" Shouted Handel as he grabbed Parr and tried for the land speed record down the passage.
With an "ahem" that promised far more then a painful dimise Parr slipped free of Handel's grasp and faced off against the Nun of Steel.
"Oh, cat fight! Just wish we had some mud to go with it... urk!" Stuttered Mr Badger as he found Handel's fist in his face by sentence end.
Meanwhile the Nun that wouldn't be out of place in the frontline of Braveheart twirled her sword in that way they do in Highlander movies that pisses me off no end.
"Put it DOWN!" Commanded Parr in the tone of voice generally reserved for males of the species doing something particularly stupid with a tool. Being merely mortal the Nun with a testosterone count higher then the entire US Olympic team dropped the sword like it was made of molten metal. "Go AWAY!" Said Parr in the same tone and she watched as the Nun that could sink a thousand ships suddenly found somewhere else she had to be real fast. With a sigh of relief Mr Badger and Handel tried to regather the shattered pieces of their masculinity and resume the search for True Faith (TM).
After a few hours of searching they eventually found the Order of "Nuns who stand still and scream at the slightest hint of danger".
"That's us!" Said Mr Badger as he vicissituded himself into something even Brian Lumly wouldn't like to see in his morning cornflakes. Looking like the mother of all bad hair days Mr Badger entered the building for a bit of a laugh. The next few hours were spent hunting high and low for nuns while Parr took notes as to which managed to show a hint of the Faith (TM). After laughing themselves silly for a while the three gave up the experiment until a better premise could be discovered.
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It was the best of times and the worst of times. Best as there was free booze and plenty of it but worst as the group gathered here today had just been spanked by a member of a clerical order, to wit one nun. Given that is nun was as about as womanly as a panzer tank and had all the mothering characteristics of a landslide but the inescapable fact remained that they had run like scared school girls from the old man in the dirty trench coat.
"Well, not all of us ran away you know guys," said Parr with a smirk. "Some of us, I mean I stood firm and faced my fears," continued Parr with a gale force gloat.
"How much do we have to drink before we forget all about it Handel?" Asked Mr Badger.
"We'll never forget, Parr will make sure of that I'm sure." Answered Handel.
"Before you two drink me out of house and home I think we'd better get on with this story, eh guys?" Commanded Parr in tones no man would dare confront if it wasn't for the haze of alcohol.
"Taking on that Nun in the Vatican was a bad move I think. This time I think we'll best try on neutral ground. Some where we can meet on even terms...." started Badger.
"...with clear escape routes...." added Handel with a smile.
"....with clear esca....no! This time we'll not be the ones doing the rabbiting." Finished Badger as he got even more uncomfortable with Parr laughing at his expense.
After Parr picked herself off the floor, after laughing so hard she fell off her chair, they got down to planning the next campaign. That still had to find true faith and the religious are probably the people most likely to have it.
"I suggest we go for a member of the Inquisition this time," said Mr Badger.
Parr immediately grabbed an automatic weapon with a caliber seen only in anime films. She pointed this at Mr Badger's head. "OK Badger, stay calm and we'll drive out the demons, no-way you'd say that on your own."
"Do what she says Badger, see means it. I can see it in her eyes," warned Handel as he did absolutely nothing in any way threatening to a woman with a weapon that fires bullets the size of house bricks (he's not that stupid you know).
"Hey, you've got me wrong," said Badger as he did make threatening gestures at a woman with a weapon that fires bullets the size of house bricks as he is that stupid. "I don't mean the sword wielding maniacs with kevlar robes, I mean the harmless little old people of the Inquisition's Requisitions department." Explained Badger hurriedly as he saw Parr's finger start to go white with tension.
"Accountants?" Asked Handel.
"Yup." Replied Badger.
"Excellent!" Cried Parr and Handel as they rubbed their hands together.
"Oh and Parr, don't forget that gun as we may need it later on," winked Badger as he knew where this story was going.
Fade away to a rose garden somewhere in Europe where we find the three vampires laying an ambush for their prey.
"So Badger, tell me again why we're in a rose garden somewhere in Europe during the middle of the night?" Asked Handel.
"Using my vast sources of information..." started Badger.
"...you looked it up in the Yellow Pages..." Chanted Parr and Handel.
"..I discovered that this is the place where the Inquisition hides its logistics blokes. It's the middle of the night as an ambush loses something when we spend more time shouting "Ouch! Sunlight!" then sneaking up on the bad guys," continued Badger.
The scene pans and we find a happy go lucky brother walking between the roses smelling the odd one here and there. "How do we attract his attention?" Asked Parrhesia. Both Badger and Handel grinned as they passed her a long frilly summer dress.
"Like heck guys!" Growled Parr as he took a step back from the abomination in pink.
Five minutes later Parr, in the dress, approached the Father. "I'm a poor little lost school girl. Please help me good man," said Parr with a whimper and a curtsey. The Father just ignored her and continued to smell the roses.
"Damn!" Said Badger.
"Maybe we could try some Rum?" Asked Handel as Parr and Badger gave him a hard stare.
"He's Catholic right?" Asked Badger.
Parr and Handel nodded. Handel grew pale as Mr Badger handed him a pair of shorts and a school tie. Five minutes later Handel skipped up to the Father dressed in a Boy Scouts uniform. "I'm lost and innocent Father, please help me," muttered Handel with death threats to Badger under his breath. The Father did nothing but smell the roses.
"Right! My turn," said Handel as he got out the hipflask.
Father O'Buggery looked up sharply from a rose he was sniffing. Something was in the air, something sweet but with a zesty tang. Something good, very good.
As he trotted up the path toward the open hipflask of Rum Mr Badger prepared a spade while Handel held an open sack. Just as Father O'Buggery bends down to pick up the hipflask Mr Badger gave him a polite tap on the back of the head with the spade. The Father fell to the ground with a nearly silent "Sorry old chap, seem to have collided with your garden implement. Terribly sorry." before unconsciousness took hold of him. Handel quickly bundled the Father up in the sack and the threesome flew to a safer location.
While unconscious Father O'Buggery's mind under went a strange metamorphosis. In true Highlander II (TM) style the Father's brain suddenly remembered that he wasn't in fact an accountant for the Inquisition but is really a time traveling Cyborg from an alternate future.
#Back up memory on line# Thought the Cyborg.
With the ROM now back up to speed as it were the Cyborg now knew what its mission was. This cybernetic creation came from an alternative future where the Home shopping Network had gained sentience and destroyed most of the human life on the planet (not too far fetched eh?) BuyNet had won in the future but it realised a threat still existed in the past. This Cyborg was send back into the past (do-it-yourself Time Travel $19.95 +tax) to destroy the one threat to the future BuyNet, this threat was Bill Gates. With this man still alive the threat of completely crap computer hardware could not be ignored. With such pieces of absolute diabolical destruction as Win 95 in the hands of the humans no computer network was safe. As such Bill Gates was to be killed. The Cyborg now knew its mission, it just had to escape from these three humanoids first.
"He's starting to kick," commented Handel.
"Hit him again then," grunted Badger as he tried to find the right car key to open the boot of the car.
With a tearing of material the Cyborg ripped its way out of the sack with a pair of giant silver scissors and confronted its abductors.
"Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap..." said Badger and Handel as they stood in front of Parrhesia. The Faith 2000 raised its arms and addressed the three vampires.
"Repent! Repent your sins for just a few easy payments, insert your credit card and prepare for judgement!" Preached the Faith 2000 Cyborg. Mr Badger struck first with a might blow of the spade but the Faith 2000 just flowed around the spade as if he was made of animated holy water (as he was.)
Most impressed at this Handel, Parr and Mr Badger gave the RoboFather polite applause before running for their lives yet again. Getting into the car Mr Badger started it up before realising he can't drive. The Faith 2000 grew giant hands (like Kenny Everett doing his Evangelist impersonation) and grabbed onto the back of the car. Letting Handel drive (as he does rather well) Mr Badger jumped into the back seat and attempted to bite off the hands of the Cyborg. With a sizzling of burnt Badger flesh the three vampires realised there may be something in this true faith thing after all. Mr Badger managed to sever both the hands before the Faith 2000 could pull itself in and the car pulled off with the Cyborg chasing after on foot.
"Worse than that curry at fiend's place last summer," commented Mr Badger as he waved air across his mouth.
On the road side the Cyborg ripped a piece of paper off its chest, freshly printed, and waved down a passerby. "Have you seen this Rum?" It asked as it pointed to the picture of the hipflask.
Mr Badger, Parrhesia and Handel were in an all night Tavern trying to calm their nerves. "Sure know how to pick 'em Badger," said Handel.
"It's not my fault but I always suspected that about Accountants." Replied Badger with a nod.
"Hey guys, have you noticed that real large freezer over there?" Asked Parrhesia.
"No, why?" Asked Mr Badger.
"It might be useful later on I thought," said Parrhesia with a wink, as she's seen these movies before as well.
The Faith 2000 Cyborg burst into the Tavern with a clatter of glass and the passing of a collection plate. As the innocents put some change into the plate and fled the area the three vampires prepared for battle. Mr Badger leapt onto the Cyborg while Handel manifested his sword. Parrhesia wandered across to the Freezer and opened the door to the ice maker. As Badger managed to do bugger all to the Cyborg, as it just morphed its way around him and Handel was spending all his time parrying away attacks to his hipflask all the bits and pieces known as tactics were firmly in Parrhesia's court.
"Throw me the hipflask Handel!" Shouted Parr as she stood next to the ice maker. With a might sacrifice Handel threw the Rum in her direction and it went straight into the open door of the Freezer. The Cyborg followed its prize into the ice maker and in a masterpiece of CGI froze solid.
With a smile on his face Mr Badger passed Handel a bottle of Rum from behind the bar and grabbed the coffee percolator for himself (with the long extension cord.) "I think I know how to get rid of this guy once and for all," said Mr Badger with a grin on his face.
Two hours later a much more rotund Badger and Handel sat belching at the universe in general. Parr sat beside them mixing up a Cyborg 2000 malkshake for herself and a fresh batch of Faith brand coffee for Badger. Handel reached to his side and added a few more Father cubes to his Rum and they all sighed in unison.
"I think I'll do the planning next time Badger," said Parr.
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