Parrhesia stared down her nose at the pair that is Handel and Mr Badger.
"Right you two. The last two times we've gotten chased and beaten up after I listened to your advice so this time we do what I say. Is that clear?" Asked the Lady Parrhesia.
The message was getting through to the collection of muscle and brawn in front of her and not only because she was wielding a large wooden ruler with the words 'Knuckle Bane' scrawled across it in blood. The systematic smacking of the ruler against the palm of her other hand was causing some mental distress for the pair of gentlemen (and I use the term very loosely. So loosely in fact the grip could only be called precarious and would never pass a building inspection. The sort of grip you see woman baseball players using on the bat that can only lead to a concussion for the catcher or sometimes the firstbase person instead) in front of her. Wincing at every smack of the ruler Mr Badger and Handel nodded many times at every point. Using the vast powers of Auspex that are quite common to all women Parrhesia looked deep into the minds of the two men, peered deep into their thoughts and found nothing. Not a thing was happening behind either of those two pairs of eyes. The odd flash of the word 'Rum' came from deep in the grey matter of one of the gentleman and the other seemed to be spending far to much time trying to innocently peer down her blouse.
Parrhesia sighed to herself as she took a swing at Mr Badger's head with the ruler. While not a spade it still does the job if the right amount of force is used. The impact of wood against a certain persons head could be heard thought the mansion and many a butler gave a quiet but stately chuckle at the next sound which was that of a person hitting the floor in an uncontrolled manner.
After Mr Badger recovered from the unfortunate accident, as Parrhesia explained it to him later on, the mistress of the house explained her plan. Her title isn't to be confused with 'Madam' of the house which is an entirely different role and usually requires Mr Badger to pass over some form of payment for the treatment he just received. Also if that was the case the ruler would have actually been a large leather whip, Mr Badger would have been the proud wearer of a pony harness and there would have been substantially more warm oil around then can be seen presently.
Enough of that and I won't even begin to mention the honey or the inclusion of the trapeze (with bicycle handle bars of course.) Well, unless you want me too?
"We've had a look at the Catholic side of things and that ended up a mess. I don't hold you at fault for that Handel but I do suspect the Rum had more to do with your decision then anything else," began Parr. Handel had the good grace to look embarrassed but that expression soon turned into a grin as a nearby butler bought across a glass of the same liquid when he mistook Parr's comment for an order.
"Now the next plan I do blame a certain someone for. How we ever decided to hunt down an accountant of the Inquisition I will never know but if I even begin to suspect the certain use of a certain person's Dementate then that certain person will find themselves on the business end of an Epilady, set on extra smooth," cackled Parr as she looked pointedly at a certain person with Badger in their name. Mr Badger had the good grace to look absolutely terrified at this idea and soon he was steadying the nerves with a good hot cup of coffee.
"This time we'll look for True Faith (tm) in an other way. I think we'll stick with the main stream religions Handel." Began Parrhesia. Handel beamed at her and stuck his tongue out at Badger. "We need a change of opinion that can only come from a religion we know little about. After that Anime movie I watched last night, Death Fists of Screaming Bloody Carnage #4, I think we should go take a look at the Buddhists this time around."
At the word 'Buddhist' Handel began to think of kindly wrinkled little guys who spend all their time making really gut rot alcohol while nipping each others rose buds as a magnificent jest. Badger's thoughts were more to the point as he imagined the bringing of righteous violence to the little funny coloured skirt wearers who spend far to much of their time preaching love and peace to be anything other then screaming faggots. Both Handel and Mr Badger nodded to Parr and thought her plan was a fine idea. They then nodded to each other while completely misunderstanding what the other was thinking. Parrhesia was surprised to see them thinking at all so she was happy with just that small little miracle.
With that the trio made arrangements to travel to the deepest, darkest parts of Tibet where they just knew there had to be hundreds of monasteries just waiting to be visited. Eventually the trio met up once more at the top of a peaceful valley. The methods of travel I can't go into in case children at home try to duplicate this feat and being untrained amateurs as well as mortal the outcome of that would always end in tears. Children, leave this sort of thing to the hands of trained professions or in this case the best we have on hand. The valley was lit by the somber rays of the moon. Small lanterns winked to the travellers as they made their way down to the gate of the village. At the gate stood a tall stone figure with four arms. As the three Vampires drew near it bellowed out a warning.
"Why should you be allowed entry into here?" Bellowed the Guardian.
Being suddenly at the front of the party Parr was the first to answer the question. Beside her monetarily was the remains of two vacuums, suspiciously Handel and Badger sized. The two in question waited patiently for Parr to sweet talk the Guardian for them.
"I shall enter as I am kind of nature, sweet of virtue and questing of spirit," replied Parr with her head held high. Behind her Handel and Mr Badger applauded this speech as it was in their less than humble (usually) opinions 'just the right thing to say.' They applauded even louder when they saw in her hand the piece of paper generally inhabiting the inside of a fortune cookie. Parr turned toward them and gave the pair a weak smile.
The Guardian wiped a tear from its eye and motioned her in toward the village. Suddenly alone Handel and Mr Badger found themselves under the full gaze of the Guardian. With the little beads of sweat narrowly making their way down each forehead a new plan had to be developed. This plan was developed, reviewed, put through a select committee, reviewed again, initiated and finally implemented all in the space of a few micro seconds. With the plan in mind Handel opened mental contact with his companion.
#Bluff before he kills us!#
Mr Badger stepped forward toward the gate. Before he could step through a club the size of a small building was slammed into the ground in front of him. Mr Badger looked at the club with amazement gleaming in his eyes as a piece of wood that size was generally found at the front end of a castle over a moat and was lowered now and again for knights to ride across. Seeing the implicit threat in that action Mr Badger took to the escape of a nimble tongue rather than an ill advised mugging that would make him not so much as history but rather geography because of the size of the puddle formed by his demise at the hand of that club.
"They say that to be truly wise you must admit that you know nothing. That means that I am one of the wise as I know absolutely nothing and am indeed often clueless. But on the other hand if knowing nothing makes you one of the wise then where is the driving force to journey toward wisdom if by becoming learned you become less wise? So to be wise you must know something but say to others that you know nothing. This means that to be wise you should often lie to others. This separates wisdom from virtue which means that what may be wisdom to some is nothing but a load of bollocks to others, wouldn't you agree Mr Guardian?"
The Guardian was looking at Mr Badger with a confused frown on its face. As it tried to make head or tail of this circular argument that really goes no where and means less Mr Badger walked through the gate and waited beside Parrhesia inside.
The Guardian eventually smacked itself around the head a few times until it managed to forget the entire argument took place. There was still a pained expression on its face as it waited for Handel to make his claim for entry. With a grin on his face Handel walked straight through the gate saying "I'm with them." The Guardian made no effort to stop him as by now it really couldn't be bothered with these visitors any longer. As the trio made their way into the village they didn't see the Guardian pick up two fishing poles and making its way off to relax somewhere more quiet. They don't pay it enough to have to put up with visitors like that.
Inside the gate all was quiet and submissive looking. Wrinkled old men in saffron sheets walked in sandals from one place to another. Each nodded at the visitors as he passed and bowed to the young lady. Not knowing where to go for advice and after not finding any sort of visitor sigh posts they had to ask for directions to someone with True Faith (tm). "Take me to your leader!" Shouted by Mr Badger at passers by bought no noticeable response and neither did Handel's questions about the "nearest drinking establishments?"
Before long the trio was stopped in there tracks by a strange sight. A monk dressed in white walked into their path. He was wearing a jumpsuit and a strange grill across his mouth. Soon he was joined by three others who were all dressed the same but in yellow, red and blue. The first walked up and bowed at our three Vampires.
"We are to be your guide. The High Priest can only be found behind the four doors of wisdom and we are the holders of the keys." Said the Monk in white who looked a lot like Scorpion from a certain movie but in white rather then yellow.
"Oh, I get it. So that makes you the Monk-keys then?" Asked Mr Badger with a grin. Parrhesia winced and shook her head.
"Do you think these guys would know where to get a drink around here then...." began Handel.
"......Badger, if he says anything about Monk-key Bars please hit him for me. Real hard." Interrupted Parr to nip that joke in the bud. Mr Badger chuckled as at least this way the joke still got to be used and he didn't have to do it.
The four monks looked sternly at the two males and tisked at them. "Only the one who seeks wisdom may enter. Those who live in ignorance will wait for her return." Explained the Monk in white.
Parr was led away by the monks. Handel and Badger were left to entertain themselves in her absence. After a little while they found a garden on the side of the village. It was paved entirely in gravel which had been sculptured piece by piece to symbolise the waves of the universal consciousness. Each individual grain was in a certain place because it was deliberately put there by hand. This, of course, was all lost on the vats of testosterone about to descend upon it. An elderly monk sat on a rock and meditated as he stared unseeing at the stone curves on the ground. This centre of attention was lost as a rolled up shirt hit him in the head followed closely by an airborne Mr Badger. Mr Badger dusted the monk residue off himself as he picked up the rolled up shirt which made a pretty good off the cuff rugby ball. Just as he was going for a drop goal across into the nearby forests he was tackled by Handel at shoulder height. Shoulder height for Handel is about nearly a meter off the ground (cheap shot by author). Rolling on the ground the pair managed to destroy two generations of work in the space of two minutes. As they rolled into the next area all that was left was a pile of gravel and a dirty rag where a monk once sat. Mr Badger got up as the game of 'Scrag' had gotten boring. Looking over the way he saw a forest.
"Must be a fair way away. Look at the size of them trees. Look knee high from here," commented Mr Badger.
Handel took a step closer and smacked Badger on the size of the head for being stupid in the course of duty. Stepping over a small wall he was suddenly standing amongst the trees. "They're Bonsai trees Badger. They're meant to be this size." Muttered Handel.
"Who the hell grows trees this size? Are we about to come across the bloody Smurf village as well?" Asked Badger in disbelief.
As they walked Badger kicked over a tree or two in silent rage. The beauty of the wilderness being turned into a faggy little pint sized thing. How could they? Before he got far a tiny ball of fur flew out from under a tree and started to savage his ankle.
"Bloody Mosquitos!" Cried Badger as he prised the thing off his leg. On closer inspection it was equipped with claws and was growling at him. Handel stood in shocked silence as he saw what it really was.
"Careful with that Badger. Those Bonsai Garou have mighty short tempers," said Handel without thinking. As he finished the words and realised his poor choice of them the Garou leapt of Badger and attempted to rip Handel's head off. It would have made a fine attempt if Badger hadn't gone for the intercept and plucked it out of mid-air. With a playful punt Mr Badger drop kicked the Defender of Gaia into the next valley.
"By the time it gets back here we'll be long gone from here," said Badger as they tried to find Parr.
Walking back into the village proper they mistakenly took a wrong turn. Instead of finding the High Priest's quarters they instead found what looked to be an obstacle course. On a rack near that wall that has skinned knees written all over it they found some spare robes which were just begging to be put on. With this disguise in place they took their place amongst the gathering of monks just across the wall. The monks were in a circle around a fire and in the middle was a tall monk dressed entirely in black. This monk seemed stronger and more intense then the others and it wasn't just because of the four or five swords he was carrying over both shoulders and across his chest Bandito style. Mr Badger turned toward Handel and whispered to him.
"These monks just can't help themselves but go Ninja can they?" Said the Badger.
At the word Ninja the monk in black (MiB?) Spun around and glared at the overly large monk that is Badger.
"We are not Ninjas!" Muttered the MiB between clenched teeth.
[Ed note: Anyone seen the movie Brain Smasher? Did that gag to well for me to copy.]
From out of no-where the MiB produced a bewildering array of steel throwing things which he then lobbed toward the intruders. Not a single one came even close and the MiB replied with an embarrassed smile. There was a shouted 'CUT!' from behind them and our pair of heroes were blinded by a bright light. In the shadows stood a film crew and a very pissed off director. It seemed that a Documentary was being filmed about the monks and they were all dressed up Ninja style as that is what the general public expects of them. Dreadfully embarrassing but what can you do? Mr Badger and Handel apologised for the interruption and went to recover Parr.
They found her climbing down the steps on the arm of an elderly gentleman with more wrinkles his face then you generally find amongst a pair of corduroy trousers that wouldn't recognise an iron even if one was produced in a line up of nothing but irons. He smiled and patted Parr on the hand as the three of them left the village.
"Solved the True Faith (tm) Problem Parr?" Asked Handel.
"Not even close," sighed Parr.
Back at her mansion they compared notes. After sometime they came to a conclusion that there was no evidence to support the idea that True Faith (tm) does exist. Seeing the look of disappointment on Parr's face Handel came up with a plan.
"Parr, we've never found anything like that Faith thing right?" Asked Handel.
"No, not a thing," she replied.
"Yet you still sternly search for it. Even after all this disappointment and negative examples you haven't given up. What is that if nothing but Faith itself?" Continued Handel.
The recognition dawned on her and she smiled.
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