by Mr Badger

The night was dark, with rolling thunder echoing across the rooftops like a drunken uncle weaving his way down a corridor. Scattered showers rained their contents down upon the area at random intervals. In-between the showers the air smelled fresh and alive, all the contaminants of modern living were scrubbed clear and into the storm drains where they could do little harm. Car headlights reflected from the oil stained puddles in a dazzling kaleidoscope which be of beauty were not because of its source. The night was young, much had still to be started.

The night was not all pure. Sinister beings walked the streets with those unaware of their true nature. Beings who existed with an uneasy partnership with the rest of humanity. They fed upon, preyed upon and owed their survival to those mundane and mortal. These creatures desired the souls of others, to replace the one they lost themselves in times past. Stories tell of unholy rites, dark gods and foul practices. These beings were feared by even those who were unaware of their true forms and desires. Something of the feel of a room when one is near, the chill and the involuntary shudder that runs through your body like a lovers caress coated in this ice. You look sidelong around the room but even as nothing catches your eyes you can feel the slick coating of defilement enter your soul. These beings are vile and have no natural niche on this planet, but still they are here. Feeding off humanity and breeding more of their own disgusting kind to continue the devastation. But enough about Lawyers, let's start a Vampire story.

The car came around the corner at a safe speed, driving for the conditions not for the drivers abilities. Sharpened reflexes, enhanced senses and the ability to heal ordinarily fatal wounds matter for naught to the person you collide with. Thoughts crackled through the drivers mind like flames through tinder dry hay. There were no clouds of alcohol hindering their path. There was no haze of muddled thought. There was only imagination and instinct, reaction and anticipation. Handel never drove under the influence, for that would be a breach of trust against himself and those he passes by. Handel's brain was working at its utmost capacity, making the most of this clear phase before being slipped back into the torpor of normal alcoholic existence.

Being focused so intently on the road and the other vehicles Handel completely missed the flash of white under the front of the car. "Shite! You missed!" Screamed Mr Badger as he grabbed the wheel and pulled the car into a screaming sideways skid. Handel swore and slammed his foot onto the brake, regaining control of the wheel he rapidly bought the vehicle to a halt. Before Handel could blink Mr Badger was out of the car and rolling over the bonnet towards the drivers side.

Handel didn't take the time to work out what was happening, there is never time for that. There is reaction and there is survival. To stop and wonder is to die in the streets. Handel leapt up onto the roof of the car and drew his sword, light danced along the sword's edge like moonlight captive inside the hilt. The blade swished through the air with a near inaudible hum, almost a purr of excitement and lust. Handel swept his eyes over the area, sword tip following his gaze like a laser, and found nothing. "What the fruck?"

Mr Badger had never lost sight of his prey, even though his eyes were ill-suited to fine detail they worked exceptionally well to movement. Stalking the evading flesh with a speed likened to a cheetah Mr Badger ducked and weaved in synchronised movements with the fleeing warmth of life. Mr Badger growled from deep in his chest and threw himself upon his prey. With a satisfying crunch of breaking bones Mr Badger grabbed for the neck of the wheezing body and wrenched, the neck snapped like a bone dry twig and the body stopped moving. Standing up, Mr Badger could hear Handel's approach from behind him. Mr Badger turned around and grinned as he presented Handel with the corpse. Handel looked at the now very dead corpse and shook his head. With muttered swearing Handel went back to the car. Mr Badger shrugged and followed. "Dinner," said Mr Badger with a smile as he started to gut the chicken. "Hey, I killed it, you have to cook it!" Shouted Mr Badger towards Handel.

Alas, that simple act of hunter-gathering was to have subsequent effects. Our story doesn't end here at all, but continues upon a new level. To those with more spiritual leanings or those with the second sight (not to be confused with Mr Badger's sight which is more correctly known as "second hand sight") there would have been a disturbance where the chicken's still warm blood lay. A faint haze in there air floated over the steaming entrails and blood stained earth. The spiritually sensitive could be just able to hear a clucking in the other-world. The chicken may be dead but it had not gone away.

There had been fear and then pain. The pain suddenly went away and then there was flight. Flight through the air like never before. True flight, not the ungraceful falling and flapping as if from a fence post but true flight, with stopping in mid air. The chicken looked down and sort its body lying on the ground. "Oh shite,' thought the chicken. "I'm having an out of body eggs-perience." The chicken watched as its body was defiled, torn apart by the hulking beast on two legs. The chicken felt rage and it felt anger. From thought comes action, without a body delaying matters everything seemed easier. Revenge burned in the chickens mind as it followed its murderer.

Mr Badger leaned back in his chair as Handel started to prepare dinner. Badger had offered to help but the expression on Handel's face had been very much the same as that Badger imagined to have been on Captain Bligh's as a nice gathering of crewmen with swords had inquired as to whether the Captain was feeling like a wee paddle around the islands that afternoon. Taking that as a "no thank you" Badger had retired to the lounge, not before reallocating a portion of the refrigerators former contents to the inside of his stomach. After opening a bottle and leaning back Badger wasn't all that surprised to feel the wind of a thrown knife passing his cheek. "Shite oh mighty man! I got you one while I was up! What's the matter now?" Shouted Badger as he removed the knife from the wall.

Handel poked his head from around the corner of the kitchen and looked on in confusion. "Eh?" Replied Handel. Mr Badger glared at the knife then at Handel. Seeing the confused expression still on Handel's face Badger reconsidered the events of just moments ago. Handel took a moment to reconsider the events as well, just after the mirror which had previously been quite happy to hang on the wall like mirrors do for some reason decided to reposition itself on the floor, through Handel. Handel rubbed the back of his head and stepped out of the pile of now very broken glass. "We're under attack!"

Not wasting a second Mr Badger quickly gathered the lounge furniture into a circle with himself as the center. Handel dodged the attacks of a malicious flying fry pan and a most homicidal flying cheese grater and dived behind the upholstered barricade as well. Mr Badger felt the floor shudder and the hairs on his arms tingle with static energy as Handel powered up his mighty powers of Auspex. Handel's Auspex compared to Mr Badger's is like comparing the Hoover Dam to a paddling pool. Scanning the nearby area with enough projected energy to cause cancer in inhabitants of a nearby solar system Handel could see nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing out of the ordinary except for the series of not as of yet baked potatoes. Ducking under the barrage Handel conferred with Mr Badger. "There's nothing cloaked out there that I can make out and it doesn't feel right to be Thaumaturgy." Handel ducked as a very large painting toppled into the middle of the hastily constructed protective circle.

Mr Badger looked up in time to avoid being hit by the television remote control and muttered. "Looks like to me we're the center of attention for a spook." As if in reply to Badger's statement the ghostly wail of clucking from beyond the grave filled the room. "A malicious chicken ghost! A Poltergoose! Who'd have thought?"

Handel winced but agreed with the statement. "Least we know what we're up against now. For some reason nearly running over, then chasing down and gutting that innocent chicken out for a midnight stroll has turned it into an ethereal avenger of the feathered kind!"

"Easy mistake to make really," replied Mr Badger. "We need a plan, we can't just go running around like headless chooks, especially as we're already over quota on those by one as it is. First decision is, what are we going to do?"

"Bugger, I suppose there are only a few choices. Kill it, properly I mean. Not like the half effort we have at the moment, trap it or banish it." Said Handel.

"Tell it to get stuffed you mean? We're going to need a good plan, we'll only have time for one go so we'll be putting all our eggs into one basket for sure." Asked Mr Badger was a very straight face. Mr Badger ducked the flying oven tray but not Handel's fist that followed it. "Ouch, O.K. Before we get too carried away with this planning nonsense how about to get some protection. I've seen it in the movies, we need one of those protective circle things with symbols and squiggles all around it. You're the magically inclined one, get to it. I'll wait here and distract it."

"Me? Why don't you do something?" Spluttered Handel.

"Simple Beardy Monster, I'm just a lowly Pack Leader [Ed note: Read "Paladin"] while you're a mighty Primogen. It's elementary, you're higher in the pecking order. What's wrong, can't pluck up the courage? Feeling a little chicken are we? Now, be a good chap and run along. If the Poultrygeist gets its act together and throws something heavy our goose will be cooked." Explained Mr Badger. Mr Badger suddenly stopped and grinned. "Hold on a minute, I know just the thing. Cover me and I'll be right back!" With that Mr Badger leapt over the side of the couch and sprinted into the kitchen, seconds later a rack containing a number of jars and bottles sped over the top of Handel's head and landed with a clatter behind him. This was closely followed by Mr Badger who was being chased by a meat cleaver suspended in what appeared to be mid air. "Ironic really, Colonel Sanders worst nightmare" muttered Mr Badger as he sorted through his prize on the floor. "Right, here you go. Get to it Magic Man."

As Handel worked at drawing the circle Mr Badger handed him jars of power and liquids to draw with. Handel didn't have the heart to explain to Badger that he really had no idea what he was doing so continued drawing what looked sort of mystical arcane. Handel was quite pleased with the effects he was drawing, nice curves and lines with those little squiggles on the outsides that sort of look like people but don't. When he was finished Handel stood up and looked around the room. A ship in a bottle that had been sitting comfortably on a bookshelf leapt up and flew directly towards Handel's head. When the bottle passed over the drawn circle it stopped dead in its tracks and dropped to the floor. The circle of protection worked.

The reason it worked had nothing really to do with any of Handel's artistic merit. In fact it was entirely to do with the materials of construction. Badger had struck upon just the right material needed to protect oneself from a Poultrygeist, 11 secret herbs and spices. A Poultrygeist is powerless when confronted with the secret herbs and spices. Clucking in a blind fury, the Poultrygeist found itself feather locking good.

Mr Badger blinked and looked at the perimeter of the protective circle. At one point the circle was hissing and sparking, as if someone was discharging a battery in fits and starts. Mr Badger squinted and a faint hum could be heard, Mr Badger fired up his Auspex like an old coal furnace. Sitting there on the outskirts of the protective circle was a faint object, outlined by the sparks and discharges. As Mr Badger stared at it, the Poultrygeist stared right back. "Hey Handel, does this circle thing work in all three dimensions?" asked Mr Badger.

"Buggered if I know, why?" Replied Handel and he ran some fingers through his beard.

"Just thinking. I can't imagine ghostly bird crap to feel all that great and this Poltergoose sure looks fit to be tied at the moment. I know, I'll try physcology on it." Mr Badger leaned as close as he could to the hazy shape that was the Poultrygeist. "Hey you, yeah you with the issues that need resolving. Get over it! Get over it!" Mr Badger leaned back smugly and rubbed his hands together. "Yeah, that told it." Mr Badger looked around the room and then back at the fuming Poultrygeist. "Right then, now that it's got us completely trapped in here what are we going to do about it?"

"Hmmmmm, ghosts only seem to turn up at night so how about we wait till dawn then get out of here? With any luck it won't be able to find us by tomorrow night." Handel looked smug with his plan and sighed as he saw the unconvinced expression on Mr Badger's face. Looks like he'd just have to explain the plan is great detail with very small words for Badger's benefit once more.

"A good plan, a great plan, and excellent plan even. Except for one nagging doubt I have with it. We're Vampires ! We have the same daylight problem remember! Oh sure, as a pile of ashes we'd have a moral victory! Pah!" Swore Mr Badger. Handel shrugged and tried to look unconcerned with this flaw before kicking the couch and muttering defeat. Mr Badger paced up and down inside the limits of the protective circle. The Poultrygeist paced in counter point to him, always staying side by side and moving at the same speed. Suddenly Mr Badger stopped and looked down at Handel in glee. The Poultrygeist was surprised by this stop and overshot slightly before returning to its linear orbit with an irritated clucking noise. "What's the one thing sure to keep this bird's attention?" asked Mr Badger. Handle looked confused then went pale in fear. "That's it, the dance." Mr Badger rubbed his hands together and smiled evilly at Handel. Handel gulped and tried to look invisible.

After much convincing and only a minor threat of major physical violence Handel accepted his role in the play. Handel started to hum the music while strutting up and down beside the couch with his arms waggling at his side. "Da da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da, *clap clap clap*" Entranced by the music and the actions the Poultrygeist moved away from Mr Badger and started to dance in front of the bright red cheeked Handel. As a test Handel moved outside the protective circle and the Poultrygeist stayed beside him, not offering any offensive action past its own attempt at the offensive dance.

Mr Badger waved and snuck out of the house with a grin. "Cheer up mate, it's not the first time we've spend an evening picking up chicks," Mr Badger ducked as a thrown bottle opener narrowly missed his head and this time it wasn't the Poultrygeist who threw it. Mr Badger went out the door and came back 30 minutes later. Handel was still dancing away and singing with his arms waggling away to the Poultrygeist. The Poultrygeist was so enjoying itself it hardly even noticed Mr Badger leaving or indeed returning. Beside Mr Badger was a dazed looking man with drool coming from one corner of his mouth. The man was well dressed in a double breasted suit and seemed to be fairly affluent. "Can you hear the music?" Asked Mr Badger in a whisper.

"I can hear it, hear it. I can hear so badly. Please stop the music, you can't stop the music. It's in my head," muttered the man as his imitated the dance in front of him. Soon the same sounds were coming from the man's lips as from Handel's. Handel stopped and let the man continue. Still entranced the Poultrygeist followed the man and completely ignored the two Vampires.

"Right," whispered Mr Badger. "Leg it!" Together the pair strolled out the door into the night. Behind them the Accountant and the Poultrygeist danced together into the dawn.

Something I would like to note and forgot to in the story. The joke "Poultrygeist" was stolen from "Starship Cortina," A radio show here in New Zealand. It wasn't my gag and I stole it like the big nasty criminal that I am. ::grins:: Just wanted to be clear about the sources for things.

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